To think on balance my friend did it ‘right’?

[shedidithink]

When in sixth form, my friend had an unplanned pregnancy, went into a bit of denial and by the time it emerged she was definitely pregnant it was too late to terminate. I think she was about eight months pregnant at our mock A levels and deferred the real thing until the following year.

She then went on to have two more children (same dad, not that it matters) and so her family was complete by the time she was 25. At thirty, she went to university, trained as a teacher and has been working successfully and happily ever since. Her children are now 27, 25 and 21, have all finished university, she and her DH are 45 and tbh have had a great life.

I know it sounds like I’m bitter and I’m 100% not! Shes awesome. But I was thinking about the sneery comments she had at the time this morning (I posted a birthday card to her) and now I think how well it’s gone for her. I kind of wonder sometimes if it makes sense to have your kids really young. But then not many people are in a stable enough relationship then. But if you are … I don’t know, maybe it’s something that should be considered.

I'm 50 with teenage kids, so had kids later (35 and 37). I had no interest in starting a family in my teens or early 20s. My friends felt the same and hence we were all very careful with contraception. If I'd got pregnant, I would have had an abortion. I loved my independence and freedom and didn't want to think about having kids til later - it just wasn't on my radar.

I moved around a lot in my 20s for work, mostly abroad, and many of my friends did too. Everyone I knew went to uni and then moved for work at least once. I do have a few friends who settled down mid twenties but they still didn't start a family until 30 or later. I didn't meet DH until I moved back to the UK aged 30 and only then did I think about children.

I'm not saying this is perfect, it's just how my life went. It's surely very different if you are happy in a relationship young and definitely want a family.

There are lots of difficulties with having DC later, of course - maybe it would have been better if I'd met DH a few years earlier, but that's just how life goes.

It's great it worked out for your friend. She was lucky with the relationship but also must have worked hard to develop her career with young children, so she's done well.

Of course, but it was 100% the girl's choice to keep the first baby, and so, yes, I think it was her good luck that the person she had that baby with was decent.

Society needs to be fair, but biology is NOT fair.

I would have had mine early 20s if DH had been keen. But I think at 16/17/18 you're not financially independent and it depends a lot on the baby's grandparents and how supportive they are. So I think it's too young.

it was because I had no responsibilities towards anyone other than myself

This is the crux. I have young adult kids and they still occupy my brain at times, esp when struggling. That will never go away; it’s not the same as pre-child life mentally, even when they leave home.

My Mum was in her early 20's whe she had me and my brother so not that young but she was always younger than my friends parents. I love having a young Mum. Now i am approaching 40 I think back, i was 15 when my Mum turned 40 and she just seemed so adult and had all her ducks in a row, much more than i feel i do now, she had a good job, teenage kids, still married to my Dad. I got married in my 30's, never had kids, i own my house but i'm living on disability benefits. I think there is something be said for doing it young, my Mum had my brother in her final year of uni then she was SAHM til I started school then went back for her PGCE. Part of me wishes I had kids before my condition appeared but that also carries the risk of having passed it on. I met my husband at 18 so it sometimes annoys me that we waited so long for everything.

I totally agree with you OP. I have a number of example of women falling pregnant in their teens and turning their lives around very successfully.

I worked with a lady who got pregnant at 17. Very religious family so she had a very hard time from them and the father wanted nothing to do with the baby. She pulled through, worked FT, then met someone who took on her child, she worked FT and did Uni and at the time I met her, she was doing a degree in Maths! She ended up with a great career. 20 years later, still with the same man and another child.

A relative of my husband's daughter fell pregnant at....15yo. he was 18 in 1990. She was taken away from her family and placed in a child home. They wanted to prosecute the dad but the girl made them promise they won't if she agreed to stop seeing him. They continued to see eachother secretly. She moved in with him when she turned 16 years old. She finished school, went to Uni, is now a senior healthcare worker. He's a lawyer. They had two more children together. She was especially mature for her age, but she did go through hell, yet stood by what she believed it and did so successfully.

Did her husband go to university?
Again in past it was common to leave school at 18 and go into decent careers in insurance, banking, accounting etc. Now those types of roles would need a degree.
Dad working in a steady job at 18 and living with his parents, his mum minding baby so she could do her A levels is a big reason why it worked out.

Incorrect. For years there has been childcare available for single parents to study. Even before care 2 learn

My friend had her kids at 17 and 19. Utilised the childcare to do an access course then went to uni and became a social worker. Lots of help on the way. Childminder costs covered and living grants as well as having housing benefits paying her rent

Eventually bought a house and progressed to a senior position in her career

Yes, exactly. It was the ability to just move halfway across the world on a shoestring because someone said ‘Fancy tutoring on a film set in Mexico?’ with no thought other than ‘Would this be fun?’

I can't imagine she doesn't suffer from some serious what ifs.

You reckon we should encourage our 16 year olds to get pregnant then? Perhaps we can legalise child marriage as well just to cement it?

look, there are pros and cons to either but in the grand scheme of things my view is the ideal thing is to let children grow up before they have their own children. I imagine she went through a lot of hardship to do what she did, and a lot of teen parents aren’t so lucky and their options in life are vastly reduced by having children, particularly so if they don’t have a very very good support network. Imagine trying to sit A levels while being up all night looking after a baby.

I like having kids a bit older - I built my career before them so by the time I had them I was senior enough to have flexibility. I can’t imagine my junior career and the hours it took to have worked out if I had babies at home. I also have money to do all the things we want to do with them. I don’t need 50 years without kids at home, in fact I am dreading them leaving and enjoy my life with them.

like I said, pros and cons, but I would not have chosen teen parenthood - at the time or in hindsight.

I was 38 when I had my baby, after 2 miscarriages. I had poured my heart into a career and I would sit in tears in my 30’s meeting idiot after idiot who was using me for sex from a dating apps. I did meet someone eventually and then when started trying for a baby was exceptionally anxious about miscarriages and age related issues. I wished I had not absorbed so much of the narrative that having kids younger would have been a mistake (I had plenty of opportunity 🤣). I am now 39 with a gorgeous 6 month old and have already thought about the reality of having another in a couple of years - being 50 with kids at primary school. Nothing against it at all but it is a sobering reality whilst my friends who did it the ‘other way’ (including my cousin who sounds similar to your friend getting pregnant at 16) already has a beautiful daughter at University! Whereas I am currently wiping a high chair twice a day and changing nappies!

In all scenarios there are those that have won and those that have lost.
Teen mums who having a baby put paid to ambitions. People later in life who dont fall pregnant and everything in between

Absolutely agree.

I was a teenage mum. It was my absolute goal that none of my dc ended up in the same situation.

Very true. Most of the normal people I know have to work and support themselves. Every one says about how the cost of living is so high and even a shared house costs a fortune so how exactly are all these youngsters affording long trips travelling unless they are privileged enough for parents to be subsidising them

It's swings and roundabouts really. Age doesn't necessarily dictate how good a parent you are. Young means more energy, older, more financial security for some, not all. I had my first at 22 and 4 by 29. They're adults now and my life is my own again. At mid 50s, I'm just more tired!

I had my DC at 32 and 35 even though I have been with their father since we were 17.

Several of my friends had kids young and are now grandparents (some were in their early 40's when they became GPs). I do sometimes envy them then I think about the absolute time of our lives that we had in our teens and 20's.

So I don't regret it at all because I value those carefree days of my youth.

I was a teen parent and there’s no way in hell I would ever advise it to anyone.

I think it can work out if you have a lot of support - or maybe even without it if you’re very disciplined, as the UK has a lot of support in place as it is - but if you don’t you’re really in for a tough time.

Plus there’s no guarantee it will all pan out well and go smoothly. I thought by 34 my life would have become a lot easier and it went the complete opposite way. DD seems to demand/need a lot more support from me now entering adulthood than she ever did before. The teen years seem like a breeze compared to her now as a 23 year old.

not really. I know people my age with that comfortable post kids life , but they worked really hard when the kids were small, they had to really prioritise his job to build his career and they didn’t have much money, it must have been challenging. While I waited till my 30s and could do family holidays and things we wanted.

Doing family holidays doesn't take away the daily grind of small kids

I don’t think there is a right way. For her it was the right way. For me spending my early and mid 20s juggling children, studies, work and professional studies would be my idea of hell. I liked having a carefree life when young. But that’s me. Others are different.

I did exactly what your friend did @shedidithink. First child at 21, started my degree course at 30, started my career at 33. Leapfrogged all the women having children in their 30s. Obviously I’m biased but it worked brilliantly for me.

No, but financial stability makes it much easier.

I have 3 DCs. I had my eldest at 17, and then two more. It was hard! I had zero support, (My DM is an alcoholic) all my friends went off to uni and the majority didn’t return home. I found it difficult to make mum friends because women in their 30s understandably didn’t want to be friends with a child. We had no money (I can remember once not eating for a whole weekend because I had to buy extra nappies when DS had a stomach bug). I never had a night (or even a day) away from my DCs, as I had nobody to help. I really don’t know how I got through it.

On the flip side I studied very hard when they were very young. I got a decent job, eventually kicked out useless exH, and bought a house. My DCs were pretty much grown up and I was mortgage free when most of my friends were still having babies. I have more disposable income than my friends, and more freedom. But I’m done. I’m completely and utterly burnt out. I don’t even know who I am because I’ve never had the headspace to consider my own wants or needs. Now that I finally can, I’m just to exhausted to even think about it.

It was worth it, my DCs are amazing and I’m so proud of how they’ve turned out. But honestly, I’d have been devastated if DD had become pregnant at that age.

If I’d met my husband younger I would have been happy to have kids much younger (I was 33 with my first). But I didn’t meet him until I was 26 and then we also had three years of infertility. Probably not at 18 though, perhaps mid twenties. I do envy younger mothers. I can imagine they care less about what others think and they have more energy. But as other posters have mentioned I haven’t seen the tough parts of being a younger mother, I’m sure it’s incredibly tough at times.