To think on balance my friend did it ‘right’?

[shedidithink]

When in sixth form, my friend had an unplanned pregnancy, went into a bit of denial and by the time it emerged she was definitely pregnant it was too late to terminate. I think she was about eight months pregnant at our mock A levels and deferred the real thing until the following year.

She then went on to have two more children (same dad, not that it matters) and so her family was complete by the time she was 25. At thirty, she went to university, trained as a teacher and has been working successfully and happily ever since. Her children are now 27, 25 and 21, have all finished university, she and her DH are 45 and tbh have had a great life.

I know it sounds like I’m bitter and I’m 100% not! Shes awesome. But I was thinking about the sneery comments she had at the time this morning (I posted a birthday card to her) and now I think how well it’s gone for her. I kind of wonder sometimes if it makes sense to have your kids really young. But then not many people are in a stable enough relationship then. But if you are … I don’t know, maybe it’s something that should be considered.

No, I don’t think so. Most people having unplanned pregnancy when they are at school probably wouldn’t want to still be with the same person decades later!

My friends are the same, one pregnant at school the other in 6th form. Kids grown up by the time they were in their early 30's. One's in Canada in a great job studied her degree once the kids were older, the other owns a huge farm estate and has continued her love of horses. Neither were rich before but both have a richness, I dont have - my kids are c15-20 years younger than theirs. 🤔

Having said all that, I didnt meet my DH until I was 34yo, so who would I have had my kids with as a teenager????

I had my child aged 17 and I stayed with his dad till 24 years old. I went back to collage aged 21 and then got a job in a children's home. My council then offered me a degree in social work aged 34 which they paid for and gave me my full time wages for. I'm 53 now and he's 35. It worked out well.

She was lucky it worked out. The wrong man and her life would have been very, very different. A less supportive family. A disabled child. The odds were stacked against her from the beginning and the fact she has done so well in spite of it would not be a good enough reason to have children before you finish education. Too much can and does does wrong. Children need their father and it’s always better if you choose each other and don’t just stay together because you have an unplanned pregnancy. Too many children are growing up without fathers because he didn’t really want them in the first place. Some children will be fine but others will suffer.

My mums life was similar although she was a little younger than your friend. It was an unmitigated disaster. She had me, married my dad, had my sister and then divorced her husband. She then married the love of her life, had children with him and spent the next 50 years favouring those children and bullying me and my sister for bring constant reminders of her poor decisions.

Pretty much this. You've got all your middle tears to be weighed down by responsibility.

If you have your family when you’re young you’re free to enjoy your middle years and have more money to do it - win/win. You also appreciate those things more.

It's a wonder that the government isn't encouraging it, as it seems a surefire way to success going by the anecdata here....

Going through this thread I do wonder how many have actually visited the most deprived areas in this country where teen pregnancies are higher than anywhere else?

Many are painting young parenthood as being rosy when the reality is so far removed from family support, uni, degrees and successful jobs later in life. For every young couple starting a family, staying together and going on to have a successful life there are scored more not so lucky. I for one will not be encouraging my dd18 to start a family any time soon (not that she wants dc anyhow).

@BubblingBobbling i don’t think it is so much that it is ‘rosy’, but as a PP has said, for someone with their head screwed on it doesn’t have to be a disaster either. I would actually agree that a teen pregnancy isn’t ideal but I do think perhaps a pregnancy in your twenties has a lot of advantages

After all, over the last two decades teen pregnancy rates have plummeted but poverty levels have not.

There can be all sorts of reasons why people don’t have these wild twenties, but for my part it’s just I didn’t want to! Maybe I am boring and I actually suspect I am but I don’t like clubbing and wearing uncomfortable shoes and being cold outside and not and sweaty inside. I’m not a drinker either. I don’t feel I’ve missed out because these things aren’t things I want.

Of course if you do want them it is different but I wonder how many actually do and how many think they should? So many young people today seem to be more into quiet nights in, coffees rather than pubs, the ‘clean girl’ aesthetic; I think I should have been born in 2000 rather than 1980!

I suppose it doesn’t have to be one extreme or the other either. My colleague had her one and only DD two months after she turned thirty and when she’s my age her DD will be sixteen and leaving school.

Either way I suppose it is about making the best of whatever does happen.

I lived in canning Town in London borough of Newham in the 80s on the top floor of a tower block I'd say that's pretty damn deprived ( at least certainly was then?)

And you also have to take into consideration may be a lot of these girls don't have degrees and career jobs, but it's not necessarily because of the kids. Even if they didn't have kids they were factory/shop/ other similar job workers. Not every has the ability or opportunity to do the uni/ career stuff and nor does everyone want to either