To think on balance my friend did it ‘right’?

[shedidithink]

When in sixth form, my friend had an unplanned pregnancy, went into a bit of denial and by the time it emerged she was definitely pregnant it was too late to terminate. I think she was about eight months pregnant at our mock A levels and deferred the real thing until the following year.

She then went on to have two more children (same dad, not that it matters) and so her family was complete by the time she was 25. At thirty, she went to university, trained as a teacher and has been working successfully and happily ever since. Her children are now 27, 25 and 21, have all finished university, she and her DH are 45 and tbh have had a great life.

I know it sounds like I’m bitter and I’m 100% not! Shes awesome. But I was thinking about the sneery comments she had at the time this morning (I posted a birthday card to her) and now I think how well it’s gone for her. I kind of wonder sometimes if it makes sense to have your kids really young. But then not many people are in a stable enough relationship then. But if you are … I don’t know, maybe it’s something that should be considered.

But what about those whose 20s are spent in a low paying job, with rent to pay etc? Not everyone had that sort of privileged life you are describing

Little money is one thing, struggling to top up the gas meter doesn't lend to travelling and affording festivals

The one thing that stood out for me is that she was doing her A Levels. That's a relatively academic route. Then she did her A Levels because she only deferred for a year. This isn't the same as someone not doing or dropping out of school / college.

I had my kids relatively young, early - mid 20s. And then one of those kids got pregnant when she was 18. I was a grandmother by the age of 42. My DD also carried on with study / work. Both me and her dad were able to help out with time (but not money) because we were still young ourselves. She stayed with the bloke. Got married in her early 20s. Continued to work like a Trojan. They both saved hard. Bought their first house by 25, a doer upper in a very expensive town in the SE. Spent every weekend on it for 2 years. Doubled its value. Yeah, she's mid 30s now. Still working class. Still married. Grandkid is 16 and at college. They're living the life of Riley.

There are 2 issues:

• It's waaaaay easier to study when you don't have children (only she knows how hard it was with three of them)
• People usually want to go out and party more in their 20s than 30s+ - not a rule, but definitely my friends and I are like this. I was still clubbing hard at 28 and I loved it. Now in my 30s I suddenly became interested in gardening and birds. I can't imagine staying awake past midnight even if I was at the best club in the world

I am glad it worked out for her. It sounds like she had support and had picked a "good 'un" though goodness knows that in itself is a lottery, especially at that age. I flunked my A levels (left the start of summer exam term) took off on a very precarious existence and was pregnant (unplanned) at 20. Kept the baby, gave my boyfriend a get out of jail free card (🙄) and luckily my mum and family were very supportive and I do not regret having that bonny boy. I did go into work when he started school, thanks to mum, and eventually wound up in a well paid job which I loved and was there for decades. BUT if I was to pinpoint the biggest regret of my life it is not going to university. Especially as it was free ! And I know my mum would have loved that opportunity herself but she never harped on about it (maybe she should have) So many things you think you can blithely wing when you are young !
I agree with @Medicalgrademusic, all my friends were on a completely different page / stage, having so many experiences/travel etc and I did go a bit crazy in my 30's in London when I only saw my son at weekends/hols for a year or so as I 'embedded' work schedules and demands, bought a flat etc.
OP's friend seems to have a good family structure, support and her own determination to achieve such a positive outcome with 3 kids in her (their) brood. Congrats !

Always an age-old dilemma this one. At 18,19,20 you’re probably at about peak health and fitness, and therefore physically at the best time of life to have babies, but emotionally and financially probably much less well off. If however you wait until much later you’re more likely to be emotionally and financially stable, but then you end up as a middle-aged parent of teens who might also then have elderly grandparents. Nothing wrong with either, there are of course pros and cons to both.

See I'm 56. I'm not ( nor have ever been) a clubber but don't think twice about being out at a party/ music venue etc to all hours. It's a rare night I'm asleep by midnight

Not all of us suddenly turn into honebodies at 30 or even 5

I had my first at 23 which was young in my circle in the 90s. I don’t regret it all , only perhaps had we been older we’d have had more money . We had loads of help from our parents. It didn’t hinder our careers and we were free to do what we wanted by the time I was about 43 .DH and I are still young enough to help with our grandchildren we’ve done loads of traveling and concerts etc though as our parents were happy to babysit we were always able to have a night out when we wanted . When my mum got dementia we didn’t need to worry about juggling childcare and we were relatively free to give her help and care. So It’s worked well for us.

When my mum got dementia we didn’t need to worry about juggling childcare and we were relatively free to give her help and care.

That’s such a good point. It was the same for me.

Yep. I often used to think thank goodness I don’t need to worry about dropping off or picking kids up or cooking ‘. proper ‘ family dinners etc.

My parents have a similar story, been together over 50 years. Siblings and I had left home by the time they were in their 40’s. They’re now retired and spend most of their time travelling together.

It’s definitely realistic as all my friends have done this - so it definitely happens! Aspirational is purely subjective. It was something I aspired to do, but that’s not everyone’s aspiration. Some people aspire to be a doctor or nursery worker. Not everyone has the same aspirations.

But that life would still have been much harder with children. Not being able to top up the gas meter AND having a child? Awful if you can’t look after yourself. Surely so much worse when you can’t look after your child?

I really don’t understand why when adults (particularly mothers) decide to have a baby is of any interest to anyone apart from the women having that baby. It always incurs so much judgement on here that I never see in real life. I’ve never heard any of my friends comment positively or negatively on the age other friends decided to have children.

It does not affect my life at all, in the same way that my friends’ choice of occupation does not affect my life. There is never a right way to do things, it depends on the person and their opportunities. Why so much judgement?

When I had dc,I met women who'd had kids at 18 and women who'd had kids at 40. The thing that drew us together wasn't so much the kids, it was our outlook. We have have taken different routes to get there, but we were all aiming for the same thing. All with same partners (then!)

It blew my mind that sensible, switched on people actually chose to settle down at 18.

I don't think kids do restrict your freedom in your 30s. You can pay for childcare and for babysitters. By the time they're old enough to leave alone, you're only mid 40s.

The wildest times were probably 16- 24. Then career and house and nesting. Then babies and new social life. I'd have been gutted to miss out on the 16-24 bit because that was all so new and exciting; independence without responsibility. Uni would have been to do a degree too get a specific job, rather than for the sheer love of learning.

I'd have had a miserable life with the bf I had at 18. The bf I had at 20 would have had a miserable life with me.

Often not as having a child can open up far more opportunities. And more money coming in

My friend I spoke about earlier who do her degree after having her kids at 17 and 19 as an example. She was one of 8 kids. It was expected they would leave school after cse/ o levels and work in whatever job they could get and contribute to the household. None of this staying on for a levels while parents coughed up for you

Because she had the kids she was housed by the council, given childcare help and benefits and took advantage of the schemes to help young women with kids access education. If she'd stayed living at her mums she wouldn't have that opportunity and if she didn't have the kids her wages with no top ups wouldn't stretch so far

So I'd say the kids actually helped her progress in her life and career rather than hindered. Also helped she had a bit of brain and lots of determination

The borough we lived in had just over 3% of kids in total going to uni at that time and that's including all the ones without kids

I think your friend got lucky with the way things worked out for her.

I think it would be quite dangerous to suggest the ideal age to have a baby is 18.

Often when they're young, it doesn't work out for a couple, or they always wonder if s/he would have chosen someone else if not for the pregnancy. And I know too many friends who have struggled as single parents, unable to date because they don't want to risk new men/women or more kids getting hurt, if they blend families, then break up again. It's very hard without a supportive family, and as more and more grandparents are working FT, they're less able to help. So no, I don't think this is the right way for most.
But, when it works out well, then great for people like your friend! Pregnancy and birth are usually easier when younger.

I met my husband when we were both 15 and we didn't have our 1st child until we were almost 36!! I always knew I wanted to marry him (even at age 16!). But we had so many fab adventures together for 20 years and now we are in our 40s with young kids I feel happy to spend all my time doing play parks etc as I have had lots of fun. So it's just what works.

Everyone’s here debating ages (are we not tired of this topic?), but im here wondering if your friend knows you’ve started a MN thread inviting debate about her life choices/family…🤔

Fair enough. I would not have wanted to miss MY 20s, and I don’t feel jealous of people whose kids are grown up/ who are grandparents in their 40s and 50s. But I can see that for people without the same privileges their 20s would have looked very different either way…

Very true.

Sigh. You do the low-paying jobs overseas. I grew up dirt poor and I cannot begin to tell you how ‘unprivileged’ I was. Being poor doesn’t have to happen in your own back yard. You hitch, you work at festivals, you work fruit picking etc, but you’re learning a language, seeing new places etc.

Assuming you can afford the passports, ( and actually know anyone who qualifies to countersign the picture) and flights of course

I worked as a relief milker in the mornings before school during my A-level equivalent year to afford a passport. I had never known anyone who had one. Neither of my parents had ever left the country. We were dirt poor. One of my teachers signed the application. The first time I ever got on a plane was on my way to an au pair job in France. The family paid for my flight because their previous au pair had to go home and they needed someone at short notice. From there I hitched to a grape-picking job.

Nah, im glad i had university, single life in my 20s and early 30s

i wouldn’t switch it the other way