I am a mum thinking of leaving my children - husband is better parent

[pontipinemum]

Have any of you mums left your children?

I don't want to leave my children. But I want to leave my husband. He has money, family and good MH. I am poor, no family and spent time in a MH hospital.

I do love my husband but I am suffocating. I think he only sees me as a sex object. I am suffering terribly with PMDD right now and cannot start meds until I have a period. He keeps saying he can 'f**k a period out of me'. He is done with my moods, so am I. But I can't keep up the games, like my phone is missing today. He's told me 'you must have misplaced it' but the find my phone thing says it is off.

I had surgery two weeks ago, my spine is so sore from compensating (as in reaching for things differently) I had lump removed from both breasts.

I asked him to rub my spine. He did for about 10 seconds then started to thrust into my bum. It really hurt, so I said stop. He did stop but said 'oough' like I did something wrong.

He works hard, he is a farmer. So I know that come first.

How do I fix this?

Have You considered that your mental health may be poor due to his behaviour?

Can you speak to a solicitor to find out what your financial position would be if your divorce?

There is a book called ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft. You may find it free or cheap online - it’s worth a read.

You need to leave your husband, but there is no reason to leave your children.

Do you have friends or family who can support you?

You need to leave your husband as he is abusive. Please don't leave your children.

Your husband is not a good man he is abusive- I bet he’s made you feel like a shit mum - leave but take the kids

That is a possibility. I have had a lot of very bad things happen to me, so that is also a big factor.

My financial position, would not be good. I'm an accountant. I have been very (very) stupid in how I have ran our finances. I run the household, he invests in the farm. The farm is still in his parents name. We own nothing.

He sounds really awful OP - absolutely foul.

Leaving him doesn't have to mean leaving your children. You can have shared custody. You don't need to be rich or have family support to still be a loving, involved mum. You don't even need perfect mental health - having spent time in a MH institution in the past doesn't mean you can't be a good mum. It sounds like you're taking steps to help your mental health. You may even find it improves when you aren't living with your horrible husband who treats you like an object and degrades you with his behaviour.

Would your financial position really be so terrible? As an accountant you have good earning power. It shouldn't be impossible to fund a home for yourself and your children if you are in work (I appreciate you may not be in a position to work full time at the moment if your mental health is currently poor).

How many children do you have and what are their ages?

@Whyarepeople @SpandauBuffet @ghostyslovesheets but how do I get to keep them? He is already pouring vinegar into the DC saying things like 'don't listen to mummy she is tired/wrong/silly'

I want to keep them. I looked up online to rent a 1 bed flat near by would be more than half my monthly wage

I only work 3 days, but I could find a second job. They are 2 and 4

Are you saying he hid your phone deliberately and is trying to convince you that you lost it?

Yes

I’d hazard a guess that your mental health would dramatically improve if you weren’t with this abusive prick.

Yes, he does it all the time. With my phone, car key, cards. Then suddenly he will 'find it' somewhere I know I have looked. But he says I don't look properly or I'd have seen it

I'd rather give up work and claim benefits (if I had to) than leave my kids with this abusive prick.

God that sounds torturous @pontipinemum

Don't leave him your precious children, don't let him win.

I hope you can get free

I am in Ireland (Republic) but I am English. I could go back to England. No family to go to. I didn't think I'd be housed.

He’s awful OP. It’s disgusting what he says to your children and he’s abusive. Please do not leave your children with him for their sales. He is definitely not the better parent. As they get older and more opinionated, then they will be tormented too.

If you contact women’s aid they will advise you on your rights - as a lone parent you would get UC top us on your wages, childcare support and housing benefits - also fleeing domestic violence makes you eligible for council housing - its possible

Sorry I’m not sure on the benefits etc in Ireland so my last post doesn’t apply but you could find out

I would hazard a guess that there are a lot of other behaviours that are abusive that you don’t even recognise as abusive as they are “normal” to you.

No you're right - here in Ireland as well. They passed a new law or benefit last year about leaving DV. It is worth looking into.

I wonder if I could go back to England? Both my DC are born in Ireland so probably not.

What you are describing is abuse. Please call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. They may be able to help you with housing and will give you lots of support.

He sounds like a sinister, horrible guy.

Just for you to calibrate what is normal

My DH would never slag me off to a 2 and 4 year old
He would never lie and gaslight me to make me feel weak and forgetful
He would never suggest a sexual thing if I wasn't totally into it
He would NEVER try a sexual thing if I was unwell and recovering from something or wait for something gynaecological- frankly even if I said "Oh go on it's ok" he would say no, you're not well!
He would support my health and take care of me

I am seriously worried that you are in a proper abusive relationship. You might not think it could be, you are clever, you're an accountant, you have got into this like a boiling frog. But this is it. This is what it feels like.

If you took the children and moved to a flat then he would need to support you with child maintenance.

What support or help do you have in real life? Do you want to just keep telling us on here what's happening - lots of women here will have had similar experiences..xx

Just seen you're in Ireland. Women's aid number there is 1800341900