I am a mum thinking of leaving my children - husband is better parent

[pontipinemum]

Have any of you mums left your children?

I don't want to leave my children. But I want to leave my husband. He has money, family and good MH. I am poor, no family and spent time in a MH hospital.

I do love my husband but I am suffocating. I think he only sees me as a sex object. I am suffering terribly with PMDD right now and cannot start meds until I have a period. He keeps saying he can 'f**k a period out of me'. He is done with my moods, so am I. But I can't keep up the games, like my phone is missing today. He's told me 'you must have misplaced it' but the find my phone thing says it is off.

I had surgery two weeks ago, my spine is so sore from compensating (as in reaching for things differently) I had lump removed from both breasts.

I asked him to rub my spine. He did for about 10 seconds then started to thrust into my bum. It really hurt, so I said stop. He did stop but said 'oough' like I did something wrong.

He works hard, he is a farmer. So I know that come first.

How do I fix this?

Please do not leave your children. The cycle will repeat itself. There must be help for someone in your situation. Even if half your wages go on rent, maybe you could apply for benefits to help.

I think he is playing mind games with you in regards to hiding your phone and keys. He doesn’t sound nice at all. You have been through a lot, be kind to yourself.

You really need to contact Contact Women’s Aid Ireland 1800341900 (24/7). They also have an instant messaging service at womenaid.ie. They can help you and your children with with emergency accommodation, safety planning, and navigating the Irish legal system regardless of financial status.

What an awful man. Best of luck, OP.

Did anyone from women’s aid get back to you op?

When women are experiencing domestic abuse and sexual assault (i.e. crimes), there’s support and financial help for them to leave safely with their children. Including when they have poor physical and/or mental health.

They don’t have to abandon their children to the sole custody of the other parent, especially one who appears to be putting the children at risk (e.g. by criticising their mother to them).

The best advice is always from specially trained domestic abuse or sexual abuse professionals. And a specialist lawyer in terms of legal rights.

This is important information. We travelled back and forth between Ireland and UK with young children as a one parent regularly. Both of us were stopped numerous times and checked on databases and when the children were around 8 or so they asked them directly who they were traveling with and if their mummy or daddy knew they were going to UK. Don't take them back to UK without doing it legally.

Having a mental health crisis / breakdown doesn’t automatically preclude a parent from being able to care for their child. It may temporarily. And I said that they would spin it as such, not that op would be having one. And I cannot wrap my head around thinking it’s ok for the kids to visit just her.

No abused parent would want the abuse cycle to continue with their child. They would sacrifice themself first. I’ve not been in this situation. But I’ve had to sacrifice myself for my dd’s sake, so I am in somewhat of a position to understand more than the average person the lengths a parent will go to when protecting their dc.

Do you think kids never just visit their dad?
Do you think mothers are never the abuser?
Why should dads be allowed to do leave without judgement in this scenario but the woman who is literally unsafe af there is supposed to sacrifice her life for her kids. No thanks. Especially considering she can still help the kids once she gets away from him and gets her mental health better.

In an ideal world she reports him, he goes to jail and she gets custody and can stay in the farm (her in laws farm) for a while whilst she pursues the divorce and gets the money together for a new place to live.

But realistically, prosecuting a sex offender takes a long time, IF it goes to court. It’s gruelling. Maybe reporting him will keep him away long enough to give her a chance to do whatever she needs to of course. It’s the best move.

But I think we need to start telling women do to whatever thr hell it takes to protect themselves first and foremost. They are just as valuable as any child. And she cannot help them if she stays. Not unless she’s strong enough to go the full way and get him reported.

Until we are prepared to always out ourselves first, men will always be able to use the kids against us. We need to give up the martyr complex. Getting four out is better than getting one out, but if it can’t be done it can’t be done.

The UK and Ireland have a common travel arrangement. Any Irish citizen can live and work in the UK and vice versa.
However, you couldn’t do it without his agreement.

No one is judging OP. I suggest you read all her posts. She doesn’t want to leave her children.

And, I repeat, she doesn’t have to leave them to escape the abuse/assault. In UK (and from the sound of it in Ireland too), women experiencing domestic abuse don’t have to report to the police (or ‘bring a prosecution’) or wait to ‘get the money together’ or for the outcome of divorce proceedings to have somewhere safe for them and their children to escape to. Quite frankly, if they did, some women (and children) would be dead by then.

In UK, councils have a legal duty to help them into a suitable, settled home, and provide suitable temporary accommodation in the interim. They’re also entitled to housing benefit to afford rent on a suitable home for them and their children.

And while you’re correct that men can experience domestic abuse, we must acknowledge the vast majority of survivors are women. And even in some cases where survivors are men, the abuse is from male partners or other male relatives. Because most domestic abuse is largely driven by patriarchy, misogyny and male violence.

I repeat again, domestic abuse professionals are the best people to provide advice on options in each specific case. Not ‘tell’ women what to do. But advise and support. Rather than people on a social media thread giving (frankly) an uninformed opinion.

He sounds abusive, I'm so sorry. Don't leave your children