I am a mum thinking of leaving my children - husband is better parent

[pontipinemum]

Have any of you mums left your children?

I don't want to leave my children. But I want to leave my husband. He has money, family and good MH. I am poor, no family and spent time in a MH hospital.

I do love my husband but I am suffocating. I think he only sees me as a sex object. I am suffering terribly with PMDD right now and cannot start meds until I have a period. He keeps saying he can 'f**k a period out of me'. He is done with my moods, so am I. But I can't keep up the games, like my phone is missing today. He's told me 'you must have misplaced it' but the find my phone thing says it is off.

I had surgery two weeks ago, my spine is so sore from compensating (as in reaching for things differently) I had lump removed from both breasts.

I asked him to rub my spine. He did for about 10 seconds then started to thrust into my bum. It really hurt, so I said stop. He did stop but said 'oough' like I did something wrong.

He works hard, he is a farmer. So I know that come first.

How do I fix this?

https://www.lawsociety.ie/Find-a-Solicitor/

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP. Hiding your phone, bank card, keys and keeping your passport and driving license is coercive control.

Having sex with you while you are asleep is rape - you have not consented.

You say he is a good man etc. His behaviour is not normal and definitely good.

I'm not sure about benefits in Ireland. In the UK you would be able to claim universal credit if your income is under a certain amount, you should also get help with rent as long as you don't own another property. I imagine there would be similar in Ireland.

I'm sure you are a great mum OP and will be an even better one once you've got away from all this.

In addition the Women's Aid, have a look at the Freedom Project and, you must be quite rural, but see if there is a women's centre anywhere near you. They can offer advice, counselling, etc.

Go gp and get treatment for pmdd. Sertraline worked wonders for me.

Contact women's aid and make a plan. Start looking for a full time job.

If you need to leave, you're confident your children will be well cared for and you can't figure out a way to take them with you, then just leave and come to an access arrangement. Men do it all the time. Sometimes taking the children too is just too difficult

I agree and he is in no way a "good man" he sounds worse and worse with every post.
He's isolating you by stealing (it's not hiding) your phone and your access to driving.
DO NOT TELL HIM ANY OF YOUR PLANS. He is too abusive.
Good idea to get a burner phone and hide it well.

His sister who won't let her "nephews suffer a weak mother" sounds equally abusive and she is not a good woman either. She sounds like another bloody control freak. That doesn't mean she will get custody.
They are the ones impacting your mental health.
So sorry OP, you are probably still in recover from your operations but start making your plans.

He’s not a better parent because no good parent abused the child’s other parent (or abused anyone for that matter). He’s got you thinking he’s better than you, that’s part of the abuse.

Oh @pontipinemum this is so awful. Other posters have already made the key points.

I'm in Ireland.

I can absolutely see how isolated you might feel. Contacting Women's Aid is a very good step, I would also contact Rape Crisis Ireland https://www.rapecrisisireland.ie/ - they will give practical guidance in terms of the sexual assault you are experiencing

Finally, please go to your GP, a woman if possible, and tell her what's happening. As it's different in Ireland than the UK, as I'm sure you know, make sure you request a longer appointment so you can properly discuss what is happening. If you don't have a medical card, I appreciate this might be an expense that seems hard to take at present, but GPs have and continue to be very good at joining up the dots here and helping you address issue by issue.

You probably do need some form of anti-depressant and access to counselling but you also need a trusted, outside voice who can be a point of contact for you when you live rurally.

He is a desperate, abusive man. There is still so much of this in Ireland, flying under the radar. Do not leave your children. There is a way out of this, I promise (I left an abusive marriage, though my circumstances were different to yours).

Yeh in a farming family you’ll walk away with nothing. Because it’s the farm that is rich not the farmers (go figure). BUT you can do it - you ring a domestic violence charity and you get the hell out. Into a safe house or anywhere. And you build yourself up from scratch.

It will be HARD! Very hard. But in 2 years you can look back and see how abusive the relationship was.

Did you read the OP's posts?

She absolutely should NOT leave her children. He will most certainly not agree access and she will be isolated and alone in a country where I assume she doesn't have her own family.

Have you read all OP’s posts?

OP, your husband is:

• sexually assaulting you (sex without consent is rape)
• abusive in other ways (hiding items, gaslighting)
• misogynistic (Alexa)

His family have no say in family law issues, so his sister claiming/inferring superiority over you is irrelevant.

Do not leave your children with this man.

You’ve taken a first step reaching out for support from Women’s Aid. That’s amazing. Well done.

Don’t give up. Do NOT let him know you’re planning to leave. He sounds dangerous. This is your secret. You are your own best friend. Take advice from domestic abuse professionals and a solicitor.

You are important. You are valuable. You are strong. Don’t believe you’re not.

Most people have poor mental health at different points in their life, just like most people have poor physical health at times. Especially if they have young children, have survived abuse and/or are experiencing abuse. It’s not a failing in you. It’s to be expected.

Be careful you don’t share too much information on here as it could be seen by people who know your DH.

Get all the support you can to get out safely, get well and build a life with your children. You can do it 💪 💐

This is real, actual gaslighting, unlike the claims some people make when 'gaslighting' is just a partner contradicting them. It's truly awful, OP. You need to get away from this man if you can.

I mean it would be good if she can protect the children but, I vote for saving herself if that’s not possible. Even if it means she ultimately doesn’t get access (although this is unlikely, regardless of what he wants). Sometimes we have to be honest with ourselves in that we cannot save everyone. I think she should report him and pursue legal action. But I wouldn’t judge her if she decided to moonlight flit.

The only issue is, having somewhere to go. It’s a bit too knee jerk. She needs dosh.

I’m quoting myself here but I should imagine he has a savings account in his name that money is paid into from his family.

There will be your official accounts and then there will be more that his family are protecting for him that so you don’t get to see.
I may be wrong but I doubt it.

Sorry, what? She needs to take her tiny children with her. Otherwise the family will spin this as a mental breakdown and do everything in their power to turn the dc against her.

I know people have commented on the “bum” compliment but just to add that yes it is a nice compliment to know that someone fancies you and particularly likes your nice bum, that is in itself, a nice compliment. But a decent, good man conveys that in a respectful way. He doesn’t use it as an excuse to make you do things you don’t want to do for whatever reason, and certainly not when you are recovering from an operation or when you are uncomfortable in any way. He has no respect for you and your needs. He’s only interested in his needs and half the time it won’t even be about sex, it’s about control of you. Bending you to his will. As are his other cruel “games” he plays with you.
Unfortunately because of your past, he recognised an easy victim, hence his hasty proposal.

As he has your phone, are you on a shared laptop or tablet for Mumsnet? If you are Please, please delete your internet history so he doesn't find this thread.
Other posters have given some excellent advise, and one of your posts says you are waiting to speak to someone about DV? Please tell them everything so they can support you in the best way

Ugh, he sexually abuses and bullies you.

I hope you can leave, realistically I know it can take many years and attempts, but he’s odious.

Please don't leave your children with this man.

Please listen to everyone here. He’s gaslighting, he playing with you, he’s abusing you and most likely raped you. Do not stay with him. Do not leave your kids with him. I know it’s easy for me to say behind a keyboard but I swear to god you’re not a bad mum. He’s done this to you

And you want to leave your childrem to deal with this man ?

I am so sorry this is happening to you. It's abusive and from your latest description, rape. I hope women's aid can steer you.

In the meantime, the benefits system in ROI is brilliant for single mums. You would be entitled to lone parent family supplement most likely, if you're only working 3 days a week. Rent allowance would also help, and getting on a list for a council house. You may also get a higher rate of NCS for childcare based on a singular income.

Have you applied for a medical card or GP visit card?

Is the child benefit paid in to your account? This goes to the mum / resident parent in case of split and would be €280 a month also.

You've gotta leave op for yourself, and FOR your children otherwise they might end up abusers themselves or tolerating abuse when adults, which km sure tou don't want for them

And tbh they are already being abused alos by him doing all this tk thoer mum

Please leave ask womens aid to help you
Ideally ,eave for England to get far away

I think you’re suffering from boiling frog syndrome, ( as was I many years ago) the abuse is relentless, often low key but relentless so you don’t realise it’s full force.
Speak to Women’s Aid, I think once you vocalise to someone exactly what you’ve told us here you will begin to see the scope of his abuse.
Speaking to Women’s Aid is confidential, and they have heard every variety of make abuse before. Then it’s one step at a time with their help alongside you.

As previous posters have said ring womens aid and leave this man. Take the children. You wont regret it. He sounds like a nasty horrible bully.

You know they’ll do that anyway right?
Fact is abusers and their family will always try to do that.

Surely “having a mental breakdown” is a perfectly acceptable reason to leave anyway. It’s not like she’d be in a place to care for the kids. Plenty of men leave for no reason at all, just cause they felt like it.

Do I want her to keep the kids safe from him? Sure. But I’d always advocate being prepared to choose yourself if you have to. Is it selfish? Arguably, but if you don’t look out for yourself no one will. If she gets out and gets a place sorted, the kids will have a safe place to visit in time with her.

You don’t stay boiling in the broth with the other frogs if you can get out on your own.