I am a mum thinking of leaving my children - husband is better parent

[pontipinemum]

Have any of you mums left your children?

I don't want to leave my children. But I want to leave my husband. He has money, family and good MH. I am poor, no family and spent time in a MH hospital.

I do love my husband but I am suffocating. I think he only sees me as a sex object. I am suffering terribly with PMDD right now and cannot start meds until I have a period. He keeps saying he can 'f**k a period out of me'. He is done with my moods, so am I. But I can't keep up the games, like my phone is missing today. He's told me 'you must have misplaced it' but the find my phone thing says it is off.

I had surgery two weeks ago, my spine is so sore from compensating (as in reaching for things differently) I had lump removed from both breasts.

I asked him to rub my spine. He did for about 10 seconds then started to thrust into my bum. It really hurt, so I said stop. He did stop but said 'oough' like I did something wrong.

He works hard, he is a farmer. So I know that come first.

How do I fix this?

Also, if you are British, so are your children xx

Someone I know had kids with a partner in mainland UK then unilaterally moved with the kids to the republic of Ireland when they split. The dad took it to the courts and they were very unimpressed with the mum's actions and made her pay to fly the kids over every other weekend for access visits. The kids were toddlers so she also had to come to accompany them on the plane and then pay for a hotel for herself for two nights a fortnight. Very expensive! Not sure if this would be applicable to your situation because I realise you'd be doing it the other way round if you moved the kids to England but just to let you know that the legal system may look dimly on you removing them from their nation of birth.

Leave him ,just leave him, he is abusive and you will not recover if you stay.

He doesn’t. He’s trying to cause you pain. It’s all about control. You’re not his partner you’re his victim. Do all you can to get him jailed so that your kids are safe from him too. Becuase make no mistake, they will be abused by him too later down the line. Especially girls once they get to pre-teens. Otherwise he will pick one to favour and another to treat like crap and play them off against eachother. Right now you are the one he treats like crap.

I’d do all I could to get him arrested and jailed for as long as possible. Report all his crimes against you. If it doesn’t work out then yeah, I’d leave though. But it would be in your best interests to get as much dosh together as you can first. Could you trick him and say the car is busted and you need some money? If you could get a few grand off him before you go that would be useful.

Then you wanna keep your job as long as possible and save. Maybe move an hour away from him but still half an hour from your job (like in the opposite direction) and don’t tell anyone where you’ve gone.

Report him, and when he’s in the jail or away from you before the trial, could you sell one of the tractors? If the money came from a joint account to buy it then…

hey OP - in case no one else has already said this, if you're without your phone I expect you're using a laptop to access Mumsnet. So make sure you log out when you're finished as abusive husbands often find a way to sneak up on their partners and check computer history to see what they've been doing. I have no other advice than what's already been posted. Get yourself and your children out of there. You do not deserve this. 💐

Just coming back on, to give you so much virtual support OP. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you all morning and I wish you so much strength.

He is an abuser, he has taken your keys and money (financial control) he is misogynist and violent in his language about women. He rapes you. This is going to be a big shock to realise.

His sister is not 'good'. He is not 'good'. No good person says things like "I will save my nephews from a weak mother". That is twisted and sick. I wouldn't be surprised if their whole family hides generations of shit and abuse under the surface.

You have never had the support you deserve, after a neglected childhood and a prior abusive relationship. Yet you are an absolute gem, who deep down knows this is not right. How amazing and intelligent you are, to come to this understanding, given the experiences you've had?

Please read all the support here
let it sink in
DO NOT change how you are with him for now - this is the most dangerous time
DO NOT let him find your search history
Look for small ways to reach towards help and advice like woman's aid and do what they say.

Look at what you have gone through!! You are an exceptionally strong woman! He won't win. You will save yourself and your babies.

I'm so sorry he's abusing you in so many ways.

There's a website for free legal guidance on divorce, family and children... www.advicenow.org.uk - use the 'Get Help' button top right hand corner of the screen. My friend used it in a similar situation and found it very helpful.

You can also get help and advice from Women's Aid, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and Women's Refuges.

OP, you keep referring to him as a 'good man'. Good men do not rape their wives. Good men do not sexually assault their wives after they have had an operation. Good men do not gaslight their wives by hiding their items then finding it to appear the hero. Good men do not swear at the female Alexa, at all let alone in front of their children. Good men do not belittle their wife in front of their children. Good men do not belittle their wives at all.

Weak, pathetic, rapist abusive men do. And I am concerned that by describing him and his sister as good, that you are then defining yourself as bad. You keep comparing it to your childhood, but just because something is not as bad does not mean it is not horrific. And your life with this man is.

And if he does this to you, what do you think he will do to your children when they are older? His sister can say what she likes, does not mean anything. He is their dad, it is up to him what inheritance he receives but given he seems broke as hell at the moment there is no point thinking about that money. The children would rather have their Mum, and be away from an abusive dad.

Here's a link to some useful services here in Ireland: https://www.safeireland.ie/find-help/where-to-find-help/

He’s abusive please call a domestic abuse helpline for advice

You are not a "weak mother". You are a strong person who is being abused and is now seeing that for what it is. Your sister in law has no rights to your children and should not want to leave them in the hands of an abuser if she did!
There's help out the and mumsnet is at least one source of support.
I agree your mental health will be ever so much better when you're not being abused.

I cannot emphasise enough how hiding someone’s belongings to make them think they’ve lost them, and pestering you for sex when you’re unwell, are extremely sinister things to do. I do not believe for a second that this is a good man.

My husband would never in a month of Sundays do anything like that, and I don’t think he’s unusually good or kind. He’s just normal. Normal people don’t do things the things you’ve described.

I think due to your history, you are not very accurately judging what constitutes a good person. You deserve so much better than this, and importantly your children do too.

You're not alone OP. So many adults with abusive childhoods fall into these traps. You left an abuser and another one found you. Proposing after 3 weeks? Red flag right there.
And I'm not sure but taking your driving licence and passport could be illegal.
Well done for talking about it here. Keep going.

I second those saying that you need to leave your DH and take the children with you. He is abusive and your desire to leave and low self esteem is a direct consequence of that abuse. I know people here will already have posted links, but I urge you to reach out to women’s refuge and to your GP for support and start making plans to leave. No, his being a farmer does not take priority, nor does it excuse/permit his treatment of you. He is a husband and a father - everything, including the farm, should be in pursuit of supporting those roles.

My heart breaks for you that you are feeling this way and I truly hope you have a friend or family member you can reach out to now that you have reached rock bottom. You do not have to feel like this.

He’s not a better parent OP. He’s not a good man.

I've been on here for years and years and this is one of the most horrifying threads I've ever read. He is not a good guy, he is a disgusting and dangerous abuser. You cannot leave your children with him, please get help and get out
You have a great profession so have excellent prospects to provide for your children, and you are so much stronger than you know I promise you.
All the very best, you have so much support here

OP, it's fairly obvious that your MH is suffering at least in part because of your marriage. Please reach out immediately/as soon as it's safe to a domestic violence hotline -- the Safe Ireland link posted by a pp is a good place to start. There's a national 24/7 hotline, and individual numbers for each county. They will provide accomodation for you and the children, and help you with court proceedings.

Your MH is bad because you’re married to a pig. I’ve been there.

It gets A LOT better once you leave and realise you never needed him around to begin with.

You deserve so much better OP, but so do your DC. They are at an age where they are learning about normal behaviour. Currently they will be thinking it is normal to speak to women the way your DH does. If you stay, that is likely to be how they will treat future partners if they are boys, or how they will expect to be treated if they are girls.

Same here.
I have noticed a lot of particularly bad ones seem to come out of Ireland infact.

I'm so sorry, but you ARE inn denial.

"I know I will sound like I am in denial, maybe I am. He is not sinister. He just wants a happy, peaceful life. I am not a happy peaceful life."

He IS sinister, and his idea of a happy life is one where he can continue to torture and abuse you.

And if you are worried about what people will say, eg his family, if you report him, look, they will shit on you if you leave anyway so 🤷‍♀️

At least if you report him, even if it doesn’t go anywhere, there will be a record of how he treats women. And that will also help you protect your kids from him in future if needed. And protect other women too. And you, should you ever need protecting from him once you are out.

And I think most genuine people will believe you did what was right. Unless they have an agenda of protecting him. And if they do then who cares what they think anyway. They were never going to be there for you.

Be very careful if you intend to leave if there are guns on your farm. I’d hide them tbh.

OP you should take the children with you to a Refuge in Ireland - BUT DO NOT TAKE THEM OUT OF IRELAND.

That would be illegal without his permission and would be giving him a serious weapon AGAINST you. It would be the very worst thing you could do.

Go to a Refuge in Ireland with your children and take it from there.

He's extremely abusive. Sexual abuse, verbal abuse, sexism, gaslighting, and trying to turn the kids against you. No wonder your mental health is bad.

On the plus side you have great qualifications so will be able to earn enough to build a secure life with your children. They will be far better off with their lovely mum than with their abusive dad and his toxic family.

Keep reaching out for help and start to plan your escape.