I am a mum thinking of leaving my children - husband is better parent

[pontipinemum]

Have any of you mums left your children?

I don't want to leave my children. But I want to leave my husband. He has money, family and good MH. I am poor, no family and spent time in a MH hospital.

I do love my husband but I am suffocating. I think he only sees me as a sex object. I am suffering terribly with PMDD right now and cannot start meds until I have a period. He keeps saying he can 'f**k a period out of me'. He is done with my moods, so am I. But I can't keep up the games, like my phone is missing today. He's told me 'you must have misplaced it' but the find my phone thing says it is off.

I had surgery two weeks ago, my spine is so sore from compensating (as in reaching for things differently) I had lump removed from both breasts.

I asked him to rub my spine. He did for about 10 seconds then started to thrust into my bum. It really hurt, so I said stop. He did stop but said 'oough' like I did something wrong.

He works hard, he is a farmer. So I know that come first.

How do I fix this?

Have you checked your benefit entitlement? Universal credit and child benefit? Is there anyone who could help with a deposit?

Womens aid have an online messenger. I am waiting to hear from a contact person.

I feel a bit sick about all this

You need to get yourself AND your children away from him. Behaviour like this in front of your DC is abusive. They are growing up in an abusive household. Please contact Women's Aid and make a plan to leave safely with the children. Your mental health is bad because you're being abused. You need help and support and Women's Aid can provide this.

I know you're shocked at the responses here, but from the outside with clear eyes, what you're putting up with is horrific. A marriage should not be like this. Your husband is gaslighting you into believing that you're broken - you're not, you just need to be away from your abuser. Please get some help today. You deserve peace, freedom and happiness.

A “good man” doesn’t call Alexa a cunt in front of his children.

A “good man” doesn’t rape their mother.

will your SIL rather a rapey father than a weak mother? If yes she’s also not a good person.

you can’t bring your children to live in the UK without the other parents permission- Hague Convention. They’re presumably Irish, you’d be removing them from their country of habitual residence.
focus on moving you and your children to a safe house/refuge within Ireland with the help of women’s aid Ireland.

Please speak to Women's Aid and ask for referrals etc. Don't leave your children, and also do discuss issues about residence (custody) and access. Do discuss possible/actual emotional abuse of you and your children, and coercive control - these can lead to physical violence etc but they are very serious in their own right and are taken more seriously these days. But go to women's aid and get their support, because you may need someone who has your back when dealing with housing and social services.

Are you a union member? If not, don't wait - look at joining a union which supports workers in your sector (accountants may work in public, voluntary or private sector firms as well as for private practice partnerships, or as salaried, equity or managing partners). They may also be able to help and refer you to support if, for example, you need to take time off work to do this. If you're not that high up, you could also look at roles in in-house Finance departments, in educational institutions - schools and colleges.

And he probably does have money saved in accounts in his name. He doesn’t want you to know about them to keep you in your place.

Also if you are a UK citizen, you might be able to get advice on this and check what your rights are.

Yes both born in Ireland. Never lived anywhere else.

Not even sure where in England I would go. I was born in London but grew up in Slough. I think I'd choose Yorkshire maybe

Your husband is abusing you. His behaviour is cruel, sounds like rape and he’s harming you.

He is not a good man and will not be a good father.

Please ring Women’s Aid and Refuge. Please take your children with you. Don’t leave them with him; he is a monster.

Glad you are contacting Women’s Aid and hopefully all the (pretty much unanimous) posts are helping the truth sink in

He is abusive - financially, emotionally, physically, mentally
he is a rapist
he gaslights you
you cannot leave your children with him

Does his sister know what he does?

You will be able to get out and I hope with every fibre of my being it is soon

OP, another suggestion. I just realised this is an AIBU thread. You are totally not being AIBU. You don't want to leave your children. I think the responses you're getting are so far kind, but should this thread be in another section, not this one in which posters are literally inviting judginess and cruelty? If you want to keep it here, that is your decision, but MN will move it for you if you ask them to.

You are strong, you are a good woman, a good mother, you can do this.

Please don’t leave your children. You will damage them for life

I think so long as you get away from his community you can make the move away from him still in Ireland. His family will back him to the hilt and his local community will back them even if there are silent mutterings about him behind his back, they will still not be a good source of support for you.

However getting to another community even 20-30 k away and setting up there can give you a solid base.

Get the kids into local sports clubs there and get involved with them and there is a huge network of other parents there.

Same with schools, get into the community and get involved.

I know an acquaintance via a good friend who has done it in reverse moved from the UK to escape an abusive relationship (via the courts which was a prolonged huge battle) and she has set up a great life here from more or less zero.

My lovely girl, my abusive XH used to say something very similar...that he just "had" to have me (whether I wanted to or not) because my intimate scent was so irresistible to him that he could barely control himself...

It wasn't a compliment (I used to think it was as well) it was manipulation disguised as a compliment...and that's also what your husband is doing. My XH was "a really good bloke" as well, everyone thinks he's wonderful...I did too until I realised that his behaviour was actually abusive.

No shame in you not having realised, they are very, very clever these men, and they prey on the likes of us that didn't have a great start in life and think we should be grateful for their attention.

Don't leave the kids, take them with you. You all need to be away from him.

Oh and he used to hide my stuff all the time as well...I went nearly crazy thinking that I'd lost x y or z and then suddenly it would turn up. "Stupid mummy has lost her keys again kids but I've found them for her" and they would laugh and I would say thank you to him.

Get yourself out of there. You are not the problem, he is.

To try and give you an example of what's normal @pontipinemum

I'm a man. DP gets migraines. When she does, she quite likes to be stroked. Her back, arms, forehead, legs. She says it feels nice, and it's a distraction from the pain.

So reasonably often we'll find ourselves in bed, spooning, my crotch pressed up against her bum and I'll be stroking her body. And reasonably often I'll get an erection. It's normal, it's an automatic response, it's not a conscious thing. I'm not turned on, my partner is is pain,why would that turn me on. It's just a physical response to a physical stimulus.

What I don't do is start thrusting into her bum. A. Why would I want to. And b. What on earth would it achieve? Even if we were in a situation where sex might be on the cards, humping her arse like a dog isn't exactly going to make me seem more appealing to her.

Your husband isn't a good guy OP. Good guys see their partners as thinking feeling humans, that's as an absolute minimum. Your husband doesn't seem to see you as one. You're a toy, an object,something to use for him to get his end away.

How on earth doesn't he utterly disgust you?

Unsure what divorce laws are in Ireland but you’d be entitled to half the sale of house and fault is just unreasonable behaviour. Because he has the farm and debts I’m unsure what you could do there.

Agree with pp women’s aid first.

He’s abusive. You and your children deserve better. Please don’t leave your children with him.

Look at jobs in England you could do and apply for a start. Do you have friends in England you could stay with?

You should report him to the police. He’s an abuser and a r*pist. They should arrest him and that will give you some time in the house to at least decide your next steps.

”He’s not sinister” op he’s about the most sinister person you could ever describe. He attacked you when you slept, he is turning your kids against you, he is trying to drive you crazy and make you think you are crazy by hiding your things, he SA’d you when you are hurting…

He’s terrifying and he belongs in jail. It doesn’t matter how nice he is”can” be. Or what he pretends to be to others. He’s a monster.

Protect yourself and your kids by reporting him. Then work on saving up money from your income. Speak to a solicitor regarding your rights to stay on the property becuase it’s your kids home. Ultimately you may have to move out but heck, so what, as long as you are free of this monster. And the kids too.

I do wonder how on earth does he think this will make me want to have sex!!!

They can build their own lives if you allow them the security of not living with an abusive father. They go to school and then university. You need to be strong, tell yourself you deserve peace and bodily autonomy. Build a life for yourself, and them. You can do this. Many women leave bad husbands and he is also a bad father. The thought of him trying to have sex with you and touch your vagina is disgusting. I promise you, he is a nasty man. be strong, be someone you are proud of and your children will be proud of. You've already asked for help by asking on here, and this is the first stage. Keep going.

He's abusive. Of course your mh isn't great!

Please don't leave your dc with this abusive man.

I wonder how much better your life could be without him?