I am a mum thinking of leaving my children - husband is better parent

[pontipinemum]

Have any of you mums left your children?

I don't want to leave my children. But I want to leave my husband. He has money, family and good MH. I am poor, no family and spent time in a MH hospital.

I do love my husband but I am suffocating. I think he only sees me as a sex object. I am suffering terribly with PMDD right now and cannot start meds until I have a period. He keeps saying he can 'f**k a period out of me'. He is done with my moods, so am I. But I can't keep up the games, like my phone is missing today. He's told me 'you must have misplaced it' but the find my phone thing says it is off.

I had surgery two weeks ago, my spine is so sore from compensating (as in reaching for things differently) I had lump removed from both breasts.

I asked him to rub my spine. He did for about 10 seconds then started to thrust into my bum. It really hurt, so I said stop. He did stop but said 'oough' like I did something wrong.

He works hard, he is a farmer. So I know that come first.

How do I fix this?

I’d seriously consider coming back to England and getting your children away from him. I’m not sure how much help you would get but it’s worth investigating. I can’t see why you wouldn’t get help.

He is very abusive.

Speak to a charity like women's aid. If you have the DC with you you'll get a level of benefits alongside your wage that will be enough to live on. Use a benefits calculator to check.

Would he try to keep the DC? How old are they and would he be able to care for them?

Its possible that you could demonstrate that 'family funds' have been invested in the farm and get a beneficial interest. But that will require a lot of legal advice.

You desperately need to get away from this man. And consider how he might treat the DC if left with them.

You’re being abused.

Reach out to all the Agencies that exist to help people in your situation.
Start by seeing what potential financial supports you can get. There's going to be some on 3 days a week. Maybe with housing too. There's pepple in the advice agencies that have dealt with your situation numerous times.
Get advice from how to actually leave safely with your children. There's good support around this as, unfortunately, you're not the first or the last who needs this kind of support.
Get legal advice about a divorce and child custody. Don't let him create a narrative that you are not fit to look after the children. If he wants full custody let him convince the Courts. He has minimum chance. Don't give it head space at this stage. It highly likely your MH issues are related to your current environment. Deal with them as a health issue but don't let it be a reason to become defeatist about the future with your children. What he is saying to them now will only get worse if you stay.
Reach out to everyone available. It works.

I think you need to look into all of your options and quickly.

Yes. Please seek help from a Domestic Violence charity (access through your GP perhaps?) before you leave, get it all logged.

Don’t leave your children with this monster. He is not a nice person.

I know I will sound like I am in denial, maybe I am. He is not sinister. He just wants a happy, peaceful life. I am not a happy peaceful life.

When we met, I was 23 he was 28. I was a wild flamingo. I was just out of a LT relationship and he was very controlling. DH was quiet and had never been in a relationship. Proposed after 3 weeks - I said no.

He has a 'good' family. I do not. I was abandoned, neglected and abused as a child.

I am really confused. I do not want to give main custody to him. But he will win. His sister will win

I’m so sorry op what an abusive prick your husband is!!! He’s trying to make u out to be worse mentally than u are, your MH would significantly improve away from him. He also should not be saying things to your children, about you, it’s inappropriate. I would call Women’s Aid first as a starting point. And keep your phone, keys, bank card somewhere safe he can’t find them.

Bloody hell OP, this is SO abusive. You can do it - leave with your children. It feels impossible because he’s been gaslighting and abusing you and has probably worn you to the ground. Once you are out from under his abuse things will look very different.

You are in an abusive relationship, please please seek help. And normally I wouldn't ever judge a woman for leaving children with their father but while still not judging, in this case it's not a good idea - you'll be leaving them to be brought up by an abuser.

Please take care OP, I promise you that when you're away from this man you will feel much more at peace and will get stronger - he's no doubt the cause of you being in a bad place.

He really is, my love. Your history likely tells you he’s not and that you are the problem. You are not.

Any man that says he “will fuck a period out of you” or “thrusts into you” when you’ve had an operation and asked him to rub your back, is most definitely sinister.

Is everyone’s immediate reaction a shock to you op? Did you not realise how awful your situation actually is?

Please engage all the support you can - in secret - and get his abuse logged as soon as possible in secret, then leave. Really important that he knows nothing of your plans.

Stunned if I am honest. He is such a 'good' guy.

What makes you think you will lose custody of your children?

Absolutely!

you are an accountant which is a great benefit as you will understand finances etc. Don’t rush, but put your house in order and leave. You can do this OP 💪🏻

This is TMI, but he always says how can he be beside my bum and not get 'up'. That it is a compliment. I will say I actually have a nice bum.

They’re often the worst ones. It’s an act. The most abusive ones are often the nicest in public. I promise you that his behaviour to you does not reflect a good guy. Please do all you can to protect your children. There will come a point where his facade slips to them too.

of course he can get aroused but a good man will realise if it’s not a good time and respect you.

Wow he is deeply abusive @pontipinemum no wonder your mental health is so poor.

There's plenty of support in Ireland available, even in our rural communities, and our housing Agencies do look at this kind of circumstances.
He might want a peaceful life. A bit of farming then abuse of his wife in the evening. That's never going to be peaceful for you, is it.
And your history doesn't mean that this is all you are worth. Though that might be hard for you to see at this stage. But you are worth more. Your children don't know your history. They just you as their loving mum.

Your husband is not any better than you. Sounds worse to be honest. Sounds very very abusive and borders on a rapist as well. Leave him if you want, but don’t you dare leave your children behind. That is unforgivable imo and experience. I also hold men accountable to this as well. You do not get to dip out their lives because you are unhappy. Take them with you and get well WITH them by your side. Children need their mums always.

Basically the only nice thing you’ve said about yourself all thread is based on his sexualisation of you. And, I say this kindly, it’s quite an odd comment to make in the cone text of all this. I reckon that once you get out and look back you will realise how brainwashed you are by his abuse.

You have no baseline of what is normal due to your upbringing.
He is definitely not a “good guy” just maybe slightly better than what you were bought up with. His family may not be all that great either compared to “normal” people. Why would his sister “win”?

It seems obvious you can’t do this alone. Ring that Irish women’s aid number asap and get them to help you protect your children.

You're right. I think there are things out there to help. Just right now I have no phone, no cards and no car key. I live about a 1 hr walk to town. Even if I had had car key the car is in his name. He also took my passport and driving licence.