I am a mum thinking of leaving my children - husband is better parent

[pontipinemum]

Have any of you mums left your children?

I don't want to leave my children. But I want to leave my husband. He has money, family and good MH. I am poor, no family and spent time in a MH hospital.

I do love my husband but I am suffocating. I think he only sees me as a sex object. I am suffering terribly with PMDD right now and cannot start meds until I have a period. He keeps saying he can 'f**k a period out of me'. He is done with my moods, so am I. But I can't keep up the games, like my phone is missing today. He's told me 'you must have misplaced it' but the find my phone thing says it is off.

I had surgery two weeks ago, my spine is so sore from compensating (as in reaching for things differently) I had lump removed from both breasts.

I asked him to rub my spine. He did for about 10 seconds then started to thrust into my bum. It really hurt, so I said stop. He did stop but said 'oough' like I did something wrong.

He works hard, he is a farmer. So I know that come first.

How do I fix this?

Contact Women’s Aid in Ireland and get assistance to leave this man, with your children. He’s not a good man and abandoning your children would be a grave mistake.

Can you make up a reason to go to a bigger town soon and get yourself a little Nokia burner phone with some credit on it, to make calls from if you need to? Make sure it’s on silent / turned off at all times until you need it so he won’t hear it.

She is a good person, and also a powerful person. In her words 'she won't let her nephews suffer a weak mother'

Contact women’s aid Ireland today
your husband is an abuser
definitely do not leave your children with him
make a plan to divorce with women’s aid
I would wager he’s worn you down and convinced you that you’re a shit mum and he is also the cause of your poor mental health
as an accountant you are a professional who will be able to work to support yourself and your children
many wonderful mums are not rich and have no family support

Please don't leave your children. Do not do this. Take them and leave this man. Build a new life. Don't ask him to touch you. Ignore anything he says. he is wrong and abusive. Repeat affirmations to yourself about being better, deserving better, and how strong you are. Do not leave your children. He is not a good father and you will regret it every day or your life, as will they.

There are plenty of 'good guys' living in rural Ireland who have been exposed as abusers behind closed doors. Often minimised and protected by close dysfuntional family. I live in rural Ireland and am from England and from the outside it's shocking how some established families will protect reputations at all costs.
So the content of your post is not surprising to me. But we've moved on from secrecy and power imbalances now. You're being emotionally and physically isolated and it's critical that you leave.
You need a plan, OP.

He took your passport!!!! FFS OP, this is abuse and BEYOND! Can I also add that he's not just abusing you horribly, he's also abusing your kids because one parent poisoning a child's mind against the other parent is (at least in the UK, not sure about Ireland) considered a form of abuse. Please contact support services for yourself and your kids' sake.

Thank you. I do not want to leave them. I actually don't think I ever would. I would just stay here.

I don't think I want to type this, but here we go.... I have woken up to him having sex with me. Or touching my vagina. Or even last night when I asked him to rub my spine he started trying to touch my vagina, I said no, he tried more, I said no again. He got annoyed - not angry but frustrated and huffy.

I don't mind being poor. But my DC are eventually going to inherit a huge amount. Is it OK to take that away from them?

Your husband and his family are not good people, they are monsters. No good people treats another person like this. They are not good people they are monsters. You must get yourself and your children away from them. You must be a good mother because your motivations seem to be clearly about making a better life for them.

He is mentally torturing you, he's making you believe you are no good, he is raping you. You are not obliged to have sex with anyone, for any reason, not a husband, no-one, you never have to let him do things because of how he feels.

Can you say you have a hospital or doctors appointment, get to town and call a domestic violence helpline? You should definitely leave this monster but take your children with you so they don't suffer at his families hands as well.

I wish you all the luck, strength and love in the world. Please look after yourself, you owe him nothing.

The more you write the more sinister it is obvious this man is.

He is clearly driven in some ways by cruelty in the way some others are driven by money or fame. Hiding your stuff followed by gaslighting, sexual cruelty these are awful behaviours.

Even his sister sounds narcissistic. I would say there are probably issues with the whole lot of them.

I think speaking to women’s aid and making a concrete plan to get you and your children out of this environment in so far as that is possible is the best thing you can do.

Do not leave your children with him, he is a pig and they will not learn how to be mature responsible adults if he is their main influence.

Also how is he going to look after them if he is a farmer…he will be up and out before they even wake up

Your immediate problem is going to be hatching a plan and keeping it secret from him. You won’t be able to act normally now you’ve realised, and that is a dangerous time as he feels you pulling away from him and getting stronger. You really need women’s aid to leave him immediately. Please phone or get into town to buy a burner somehow today. Is there anyone you trust you can borrow a phone or some money from for a taxi or something?

Does this sound weird to you, I changed the alexa voice to a mans voice. He was constantly being really mean to woman alexa. In front of the DC he said things like 'you stupid c*t, I said turn on the light' or 'are you a stupid bit**h I said put on music'

My brain in broken isn't it. The abuse I had as a child was a lot worse. This still isn't great

Gather as much paperwork about his finances etc you can

We don't need anymore descriptions of abuse. We know he is abusive. If you need to talk about it find a professional. It's not good to have all this on the Internet, even if you are not identifiable. Everytime you reread for advice you will be reading it.

As a farmer he will hang on to that wealth all in the farm… it’s still in his parents names, then it’ll be in his, not your sons till he dies. Do you want them dancing to his tune till they are in their 50s or 60s? You aren’t taking any wealth away from them by leaving with them.

im not sure what the Irish version of women’s aid is but u need them. To make a plan and leave safely.

Women’s aid Ireland have a 24 hr helpline and an instant messaging service
https://www.womensaid.ie/what-is-abuse/spotting-the-signs/

I do his accountants, on paper he is broke - its not lies, he has just bought a lot of tractors recently. We own nothing. I do have papers to draw down a 30k loan in joint names. I won't be doing that.

He sounds like a brute, OP, but I know what you mean; they'll be a "respectable" farming family, high standing in the community and you're a a blow-in from elsewhere. His father is probably friends with the garda.

Don't try and flee with the children to the UK, whatever you do. That's child trafficking and presumably they were born in Ireland and have Irish passports.

At some point, could you feign going out for a day to the nearest big town and call some welfare agencies like womens aid Ireland - 1800 341 900? At least they now take coercive control seriously now.
You may have had a damaged childhool but doesn't mean that you're not worth more than this. They have gaslit you to believing he is a better dad than a mum. For a start, that's not true, any man worth their salt would not treat their childrens mum like this.
And at some point, they'll witness their father's behaviour and treatment of you and start mirroring this behaviour.
You owe it to yourself and them to get out. The first step is ringing Women's Aid.

Oh OP you poor thing. This is so bad.
"I have woken up to him having sex with me."

In the UK, this is rape, even within marriage. I just checked online and it seems that's also true in Ireland. This is just going from bad to worse to appalling. Please take the advice of others here and contact support services and make a plan to rescue yourself and your children.

What is his justification for taking away your documents and your keys?

And make sure you delete your internet history.

Can you contact a women’s refuge? Your husband sounds absolutely awful. I’m sorry but I don’t think I would be leaving my kids with someone like him.

You can have them overnight in a one bed. Get bunks and a single, and a sofa bed for you. You can sleep in their room when they’re with their dad. There are lots of sites that offer second hand furniture very cheaply.

Do not leave them- they will carry that with them for life.

I suspect your MH issues will lessen once you leave him, even if it’s difficult.

Look into housing benefit.

He doesn't sound like a man who should be left with any sort of responsibility for children op.