Blamed for converting dh to veganism

[VeganConvert]

Dh decided to become Vegan a few months ago. Not precisely sure why but he had been vegetarian initially then decided may as well cut out dairy, eggs etc too. We just sort of got on with it.

We see ILs a few times a year as they live quite far away , dh speaks to MIL a few times a week where she basically talks at him about her health. Obviously Dh diet was never top of the list of things to discuss!

Anyway, we are meant to see them today and yesterday MIL called me to ‘finalise plans’ tell me their estimated arrival time etc and asked what I’ll be making. I said a roast as everybody likes that , then I just said about what I’d got for dh and she went quiet, then exploded at me that a grown man can’t be expected to survive on that sort of food!!

she accused me of warping his mind to ‘strange views’ and how it’s not good for men or growing children to be Vegan, that its part of my ‘off grid personality’ and she wanted to talk to dh to make sure he was ok ???!! She has acted as if I’m influencing him and withholding food. She spoke to him and he spent ages explaining it was his decision etc etc.

She then wanted to talk to me again and said I should make sure he has a health check up and also the dc.

The thing is - I’m not vegan! Neither are the dc??!! She has assumed this was all because of me ?! I told her this and she then said ‘I’m not convinced - we will see what you all eat tomorrow won’t we !’

AIBU to be confused at her attitude to veganism and also how she thinks that I’m somehow responsible? Why would a non vegan persuade someone else to be vegan ??!!

She sounds ridiculous. Did you tell your husband about this conversation?

I appreciate it’s not your ‘fault’ that DH has become vegan. But perhaps as his mother she knows DH has food issues and this is a form of orthorexia or food avoidance. It seems a bit odd, to be sure.

How would that explain or excuse her reaction?

What did she say when you said you're not vegan?

I’d have told her not to come over until she’d calmed down.

She’s nuts. Veganism is pretty mainstream these days and, if done properly, is a healthy lifestyle. The older generation, I think, just don’t get it. Next time she explodes I would just say: “hold on, MIL, will pass you over to DH”.

What a strange response. Id be asking if everything is quite alright with her, because that reaction to her son's food choices is extreme 🤔

Literally in the OP.

I’m vegan.

i’ve had older people tell me I can’t survive without meat and many other such things.

Sorry, you’re still hosting this woman?

I’d be having a firm conversation with her today about her rudeness and what I would and wouldn’t tolerate going forwards.

She sounds absolutely batshit. I'd love to be a fly on the wall at lunch.

Ask with compassion if she’s ok, as she seemed very emotional- has she had a GP checkup recently? [head tilt]

Woah, woah. Woah! Veganism wasn’t invented by millennials/Gen Z and plenty of them “don’t get it either”.

She doesn’t like his choices so has created a story in her head that you must have ‘made ‘ him vegan. Tell dh and leave her too it

Yeah I’d have addressed that on the phone and told her off firmly for her rediculous accusations and behaviour.

Tell her in no uncertain terms that she was crossing lines in the way that she was speaking to you and tell her you expect better behaviour from her in the future.

Basically speak to her like the young child she was behaving like who was having a tantrum.

Does she not know that her precious boy is a grown up now & can make his own decisions?

FFS she’s ridiculous. Does she enjoy blaming other people for things she doesn’t like?

He was there ! He did speak to her and explained it had nothing to do with me and why was she being so aggressive and judgemental

‘We will see what you all eat tomorrow’ as if it’s some kind of test and she won’t believe it till she sees it. She kept calling me ‘off grid’ ??!!

She sounds as though her ideas about eating are rooted in traditions that were the norm for her when she was growing up and which she assumes should be the same for everyone and anyone who deviates from them are somehow weirdos. But of course she can't lay that accusation at her own son so she has to blame you OP.

It would also appear she has deepseated issues with you OP which she has revealed in her diatribe. This must be hurtful to you OP. But given the limited contact you have with her hopefully won't affect your day to day life.

I hope that your DH makes sure his mother knows that it is his decision alone. And that he has your back if his mother critises you yo him.

Why does she think you’re “off grid”? I like the sound of that.

Some parents (in law) really struggle a lot with the idea that their adult child’s new/chosen family do things differently.

It’s somewhat different but my MIL cannot cope with the idea that we take our shoes off indoors. I grew up that way, my husband adopted it as he saw the sense in it when we lived in London. There’s good practical reasons for it in our current home but because SHE doesn’t do that, it’s a subversive idea. She goes on and on and on about it.

Not sure what the long term solution is but it definitely requires your husband to have a chat to her about what is ultimately his diet decision.

Yes she is a very traditional cook dh told me they had to have an evening meal that was meat based every day growing up and that they had a lot of bbqs in summer etc when he was a child so it’s clearly a big part of her life.

She seems to be using it as a way to criticise me when I’m not even vegetarian let alone vegan !

Tell her not to come over..how rude.

I’d be much less concerned about the vegan issue and more why she thinks you’re default in charge of what DH eats.

asking what you’ll be making is very telling.

I think you/he needs to sit her down and say that she cannot behave like that again or she will no longer be welcome to come visit. DH can visit her but you cannot be expected to host her in your own home, and of course there is the possibility of the DC not wanting to have the hassle of visiting her (kids naturally don't as they get older, friends and online become more important). That was unacceptable behaviour and she needs to know that.