To say no to SS moving back in because we have no room

[Claraus]

I’ve been with dh since dss was 10 and he lived with us full time from 12 as his mum lives abroad. He moved out at 18 into a house share with his gf but they’ve split up now and apparently she has most of his stuff. He doesn’t want to stay with mil as she is very controlling.

We have 4 bedrooms. Me and dh, ds15, dd11 and dd8. Dd11 has adhd and has dss old room, the girls used to share but have had their own rooms since dss moved out. Dh thinks dss should just come home and dd11 can share with dd8 again or dss can sleep on the sofa.

I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him. But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either and I don’t think dss can realistically live on the sofa. dh says I’m making it more complicated than it is.

AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

Sofa as a temporary measure

What age is he? If he is 25 then offer him a sofa for a month or so until he gets settled.

If he is 19/20/21 then of course you need to give him a place to live. Can you imagine saying to one of your daughters age 19 or so - no you have to figure something out, our 4 bedroom house is full?

So what's your solution as to where he should stay? Is he in full time education or work?

Is there any other space in the house? Anywhere for a sofa bed? How long is it likely he will need to stay? Is he still only 18?? Or older now? What is he doing? Working? Can he afford a room in a house, could you help him a bit??

Yabu

he lived with you as a child you should treat him as you would your own boys and girls

the problem is you chose to have more children than house room if everyone has their own room

at the very least offer him the sofa

How old

You absolutely make room for him!!!!

How old is he? And unless he’s an adult and can afford to rent elsewhere then yes you should at least try and help temporarily

How long has he been me moved out? How old is he now?

Certainly sofa for a while. Not necessarily needing reorganise the others.

I thihnk it's perfectly reasonable for a young adult son to want to come home for a bit. But that doesn't mean the rest of the family should be hugely shafted.

I'd think the sofa as a short term solution probably best option. It is tricky but if there isn't space, there isn't space. And no, the younger children shouldn't be force to give up their rooms.

Of course you need to make room for him. How horrible of you to say no!

YABVU, if he was DS rather than DSS you'd absolutely make room for him, have a word with yourself ffs!

If it was one of your own DC and not a SC would it be a different situation?

Of course you do whatever you can to get him back in the home. It's his family home too. What age is he?

Can he not share with the 15 year old? Why can't he at least stay on the sofa for a few weeks until you can all sort something more permanent?

If it were one of your biological kids... would you genuinely turn them away? If he had never moved out, surely the girls would still be sharing anyway?

Well you would be shutting the door on him if you said no, wouldn’t you? And I expect you’d think quite differently if he were DS rather than DSS. You need to welcome him back for as long as it takes him to get back on his feet.

AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room

Well you "genuinely" do. You just dont want to. What would you do if the tables were turned and it was one of your DC? I can't imagine ever telling either of my DC they couldn't come live with me whatever stage of life they were in

If this was your own child you would not be stopping this

Would you refuse one of your children so your younger children could have a bedroom each? I wouldn't. Because the need for a roof over your head is greater than the need for a seperate bedroom.

What is your downstairs space like? Many 4 bed houses have an additional reception room.

YABU. Sharing a room temporarily is the least they can do for their big brother. Put yourself in his shoes.

No not really, we don’t have a dining room or anything, its just kitchen, living room and the 4 bedrooms. I don’t think its realistic for him to have a sofa bed in the living room permanently tbh, thats more how dh is talking about it like he can just sleep there and its sorted.

He’s at mils atm but he doesn’t want to stay there permanently as he says shes very controlling and they don’t get on when he’s there for too long.

He’s nearly 20, not 18 anymore. He’s working but I don’t think he could afford a place on his own, he could probably afford a room in a house share though. We have said we’d help him a bit if we could but dh seems to think he should just come home instead.

Of course you have the room. You would find the room for your own child on this situation, surely?
The girls can share.
The poor kid, he has nowhere to go and you're going to turn him away? What an utterly useless dad to even consider doing this to his child.

He's only 19! He should be allowed to come home. Unless he would prefer help renting a room.

With this update, you really should be thinking 'Come home. Of course we will make room'.

Hes only 19. Of course he needs to come home and live with father