To say no to SS moving back in because we have no room

[Claraus]

I’ve been with dh since dss was 10 and he lived with us full time from 12 as his mum lives abroad. He moved out at 18 into a house share with his gf but they’ve split up now and apparently she has most of his stuff. He doesn’t want to stay with mil as she is very controlling.

We have 4 bedrooms. Me and dh, ds15, dd11 and dd8. Dd11 has adhd and has dss old room, the girls used to share but have had their own rooms since dss moved out. Dh thinks dss should just come home and dd11 can share with dd8 again or dss can sleep on the sofa.

I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him. But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either and I don’t think dss can realistically live on the sofa. dh says I’m making it more complicated than it is.

AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

Would you find the room if he were your biological son?

how long did he leave home for? Are the other kids yours & DH’s? Or just yours?

My first reaction is that of course you make space. DD’s can share for a while so he can sort himself out.

If he was mid 20s or something it would be different but he is only 19. He needs to move back with you for a while at least.

The girls can share.

YABVU. If I was your DH I’d be putting my foot down and saying he’s welcome back even if it is on the sofa. If you couldn’t understand why I’d want to help my eldest DS in the short term and temporary and you weren’t supportive I’d be divorcing you for your lack of emotional intelligence. He’s your DH’s son not a random mate!

Just read your update that he’s 19. Dear me give your head a wobble!

The girls need to share until he can find somewhere more permanent. Give him 6 months to sort out renting on his own or a house share.

Just seen your update. He’s only 19, of course you let him come home!

He should absolutely be allowed to come home and either share with his brother or his sisters should go back to sharing.

The girls need to share and he gets his room back. He’s only 19!

hes 19. Of course you should let him move back in.

that is his home and you are his family. You have the same amount of room you’ve always had. The girls can share, like they did a year ago.

let him have the smallest room.

I’m of no doubt you wouldn’t be thinking there’d be no room if your other children wanted to move back after a year at 19.

Hes 19! My god of course you let him come home. Just like you would if it was your own child.

I think based on SS being 19 and them having got together when he was 10, only the youngest DD is shared, the DS and older DD are just OP's

Which is a good point. I am guessing she wouldn't want her own children kicked out at 19.

I think when you take on life with a man with a child then that child has to be put as high as your own children particularly as they’ve already permanently lost out. You can’t expect life to tidy this young man away as an inconvenience.

Stepmothers in fairy tales sometimes ring true to life…. (Also speaking from my own experience of one awful SM and one good SM apart from shafting us all financially).

If it was your child then you would find space for them, the same should apply for your step son. Whilst he's at yours he can then look at the longer term options and possibly move into a house share. However, don't treat him differently than you would your own children.
He's only 19, still very young and shouldn't be made to feel unwelcome.

Just trying to work out the dynamics - are all the other children just yours, or are any both yours and DH's? Who owns the house/how are bills split?

If the girls cannot share, can he share with the 15 year old? Or at least store his stuff in there and sleep on the sofa

It seems pretty harsh to not let him come home, even if it's for a while whilst he figures out what he wants, saves up etc

Why can't the boys share? That seems fairer. They both had their own rooms while the girls shared so this time it's their turn to share. Otherwise you are telling your girls they come last and boys matter more. Especially since elder boy will hopefully find his feet and feel ready to spread his adult wings again.

YABU. I do realise it's difficult but you would be unreasonable to say no if he wants to come back home.

He's only 19 so yes I would let him back home. I would also get the 2 girls to share again, I shared a room with my DSis till adulthood and I have adhd, I do know how hard having adhd is as my eldest and my youngest have it, my youngest allnso has autism, i have 4 children. Having adhd doesn't trump being homeless or living somewhere that hes not happy.

Would you say no to YOUR child?

Girls at 11 & 8 can totally still share. If he hadn’t moved out they would be still sharing anyway. Maybe soften the blow by allowing them to redecorate the room / get some cool new bedding / something like that to make it more exciting, but at their age it’s not a problem. By the time they hit their teens hopefully he will have moved out and they can get their own spaces back.

I shared til I was 15 with my sister AND younger brother - I survived. Its character building - teaches you all about compromise from an early age!

You make the room. I would never tell my children they couldnt come to me if they needed a place to stay.

Yeah sorry, you need to make this work. You do have room, the girls are young enough to share.

Or could the boys share?

You need to make room. Can you split the biggest bedroom with some form of divider to make 2 smaller rooms? Sofa short term while you sort something out. Convert garage/dining room/loft if funds allow?

I do get that, and thats why I feel so guilty about it tbh. I don’t want him to think I’m turning him away, I’ve been in his life since he was 10.

He’s nearly 20. I don’t think sharing with ds15 would work, ds is 15 and has never shared with him really, plus dss is a grown man now and I think they’d both find it awkward.

The sofa could work for a few weeks maybe, its more that dh is talking like he can just live on the sofa until he sorts himself out and I don’t think thats fair on anyone really. We don’t have another space he could use.

And yes if it was one of my own kids I’d obviously want them home and I’d find a way, which is why I’m struggling with it. If dss had never moved out then yes the girls would still be sharing, but he did move out and dd11 has had her own room for nearly 2 years now. She also really relies on having her own space because of her adhd. I just don’t know what the right answer is tbh.

@OooPourUsACupLove I think it’s more because the girls are younger that people are suggesting they share, not just because they’re girls.