To say no to SS moving back in because we have no room

[Claraus]

I’ve been with dh since dss was 10 and he lived with us full time from 12 as his mum lives abroad. He moved out at 18 into a house share with his gf but they’ve split up now and apparently she has most of his stuff. He doesn’t want to stay with mil as she is very controlling.

We have 4 bedrooms. Me and dh, ds15, dd11 and dd8. Dd11 has adhd and has dss old room, the girls used to share but have had their own rooms since dss moved out. Dh thinks dss should just come home and dd11 can share with dd8 again or dss can sleep on the sofa.

I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him. But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either and I don’t think dss can realistically live on the sofa. dh says I’m making it more complicated than it is.

AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

It’s fucking annoying but he needs help and you are his family. Why can’t he share with DS15?

Do you have a 19 year old? He maybe an adult according to the law but its still very young. It wasn't that long ago that adulthood didn't officially start until 21!

😂 Over 18 is an adult for all intents and purposes. I’m not saying OP should refuse to have him back at all, but she shouldn’t make it so comfy for him at the expense of rest of the family’s comfort. No way should he be getting a room to himself. He’s working so there’s no reason why he can’t find a house share and have independence.

Well, hundreds of thousands of 18 year olds manage to go off to university and embark on adult life. When exactly do you think someone is an adult? It’s the endless mollycoddling of young people over the last 20 years which has produced the entitled generation, with zero resilience for the ups and downs of life.

Thats not a very sensible argument. Of course many young people go off to university as did I 40 years ago. But we had a home to go to during the holidays,the home we were brought up in. We weren't thrown out. Many return to that home st the end of their courses whilst they sort out their future

You are seriously lacking in kindness and empathy.

19 is just a kid finding his way in life. Of course parents should be there to support him. Of course parental home should be open for him. Is not mollycodling supporting your child, is what any normal family would do. What is wrong with you to think like that!

Yes they do go to university. Most still relay on their parents to pay their rent and cover other essentials. Then during the holidays, a month at Christmas and Easter then 4 months over the summer the students return to the family home. They are not just booted out to survive alone.

Hmm my ds paid his own rent. He didn't really return in holidays either. He had a job in uni town and came back for Xmas and boxing day. In summer holidays he spent one working in summer camp in Austria and Italy, another backpacking in se Asia

So they don't all run back to mummy constantly

I didn't go back either for the last 2 years of my 4 year degree but this is really university dependent and also depends when this was. At Durham the majority are in halls for year 1 and 3 as there aren't enough rentals for 12k students, so you have to move out fully in holidays (they use the rooms for conferences). When I did "live out" in a house my rent was only £52 a week back in the early 2000s which was easily covered by my part time job. The average is now £140 per week and the owners like to end the contract in June so they can AirBNB the property over the summer.

He shares with his brother then. Most teens don’t move out permanently! I moved to Uni halls but my parents always kept my room for me to return to. Teen relationships don’t usually last. A lot of early-mid 20s still live at home due to COL.

He graduated in 2025 . His accomodation then only had to be vactated last 2 weeks of august. Never did " halls"

Ds is now doing his masters Rent £70 a week for en suite including billsand internet and runs until end august next year . Its not halls but purpose built student accomodation

So i think my info pretty up to date

OP doesn't want him to share with his step brother. Or for the girls to share. Or for him to sleep on the sofa

She just wants him not to exist really

Right, so neither were in halls or collegiate universities, which have short contracts and necessitate going home for the holidays. I don't think you are disproving my point that not all students can stay in their university town year-round depending on the chosen uni.

They aren't brothers though and the OP thinks her 3 biological children are more important than this poor teen whose relationship has broken down.

That’s a bit rude. DS kept his holiday job in his home town so had to come back home in the uni holidays otherwise would have had a 4 hour commute each way! And £70pw is cheap, Thought DS’s £115pw was cheap

That dosent say much about your mother/son relationship.

The average is now £140 per week and the owners like to end the contract in June so they can AirBNB the property over the summer.

This is far from universally true now in Durham, or other student towns (and wouldn't be within the new Renters' Rights Act 2026 either).

@Claraus if he is sleeping on the sofabed, I think it is fair enough to say that others will be passing through before school and work to grab bits and pieces and so he will need to be up with the rest of the household.

@Blondeshavemorefun we used to have a 4 bed house that only had a kitchen and a lounge downstairs - it was built as a 3 bed and the 4th bedroom was an over garage extension, so the upstairs footprint was larger.

What that rather than sit in his bedroom he goes travelling and working abroad? Things I have encouraged him to do. It does actually say a lot of things about our relationship that I've given him wings and support to go and do this stuff rather than restricting him cos" mummy will miss him"

Would you actually prefer your young adult to be sat around at home all uni holidays or out travelling or working?

I agree £70 a week is very cheap. Think he paid £115 for a non ensuite in his ungraduate degree

And sounds like your DS came back because he had a job there rather than to be at home. If his job had been in uni town likely he'd have stayed there. Bit different from running home to mummy

I was something that DS looked for when sorting accommodation ( which he did himself) that he could stay the whole year. Gave him edge on local jobs when loads of other students disappeared for weeks at a time.

Sounds maybe similar for bed 4 @SheilaFentiman and over the garage

a pod/cabin in the garden is prob the solution costing £3/5k

eldest can sleep in it and as all get older can be a teen hang out esp if only one living room

what do you think @Claraus

If you have a garden and a spare few thousand that's not a bad idea

Not sure it would be as cheap as that though