To say no to SS moving back in because we have no room

[Claraus]

I’ve been with dh since dss was 10 and he lived with us full time from 12 as his mum lives abroad. He moved out at 18 into a house share with his gf but they’ve split up now and apparently she has most of his stuff. He doesn’t want to stay with mil as she is very controlling.

We have 4 bedrooms. Me and dh, ds15, dd11 and dd8. Dd11 has adhd and has dss old room, the girls used to share but have had their own rooms since dss moved out. Dh thinks dss should just come home and dd11 can share with dd8 again or dss can sleep on the sofa.

I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him. But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either and I don’t think dss can realistically live on the sofa. dh says I’m making it more complicated than it is.

AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

He needs your support. So the 11 & 8 year old only had their own rooms for maybe a year? They’ll be fine and it won’t be forever but he’s had a breakup and wouldn’t have moved out except with the GF.
Give him a break and welcome him back to his room!

So you've admitted that this is a double standard because he's not your own child. You're being vile.

How is it that your house has 4 bedrooms plus (presumably) at least one bathroom upstairs, but only 2 small rooms downstairs?

Of course I’d given him somewhere to stay. I wouldn’t even need all this faffing and thinking.

Your 8 and 11 year old girls can easily share a room. You say one of the DDs has ADHD so needs her own room, thats an excuse. A convenient one seeing as you clearly don't want him back.

You really are buying a big blank sheet and a shit ton of paint to make that sign that says 'youre not really a part of this family' aren't you OP

I can’t really believe you are questioning this. Either he goes in with your DS or the two girls share.

The fact that two of the children are yours from a previous marriage makes a huge difference. Plus it’s not like the boys don’t know each other - you say that your DSS lived with you since her was 12.

Growing up I was one of 4 sisters in a small 3 bedroomed cottage. I didn't have a room of my own until I went to university. Two of your DDs can surely share to accommodate their brother until he can find himself somewhere else to live.

Omg, woman, you do know the what the right answer is! You cannot make a 19 year old boy homeless just because no one wants to show a tiniest bit of flexibility! And, by the way, having ADHD doesn't trump someone becoming not welcome in their own home, where their own dad lives. The boy having a home is actually more important, believe it or not.

I say this as someone who's in a relationship with a man with very annoying adult children, but still I wouldn't even dream of saying a 19 year old can't come home to his parent!

If I was your DH, I'd seriously reconsider being married to you if you prevented his son from coming home. Jesus.

So @Claraus what is your solution? If you aren't happy with your DH's suggestion of him moving in, where do you think he should live? You said he can't afford to rent on his own, he can't stay with MIL much longer, where do you suggest he stays?

Unsure why ADHD means can't share?

Doing the math OP, your eldest two are your DH's step kids? He's housing your DC, I feel he has a responsibility to house his own too. DSS is still very young, and the feeling of not having a safe place to land or call home when things go wrong is very hard to grapple with.

Give him the living room, or have your DD share again. If they need a bigger room, give them the master bedroom and you and DH can share theirs.

He's still young, so at that age there was a fair chance his relationship wouldn't work, in which case he sees the house as his family home and he's turned to you all to help him.

My DD is 25, has been living with BF for a couple of years, but I certainly wouldn't refuse her a roof over her head, even if it wasn't ideal.

If you've been with DH for 9 years then I'm reckoning your older 2 kids are not your DH's, and you share the youngest DD?

So DH's 2 stepchildren get a bedroom each in your house but your stepchild is not even allowed to kip on the sofa?

Seriously give your head a wobble OP, fucking hell. It's a 4 bed house not a 1 bed retirement flat.

I don't know how you can say no.
I certainly couldn't in these circumstances.
He has as much right to be at home as the other children.
OP, be very very careful.
He is a young lad, at a vulnerable age.
He needs support, not thinking he is in fact homeless.

I have children that age and we would have to make it work.
Sit down with your children and explain that sometimes in families people are put out.

Lots of children shared rooms growing up.
They just had to get on with it.

Your children will too.
Do not put your husband in this situation.
It will bite you on the arse.

Just realising your husband is not a father to all of your children?

You simply cannot have one home for yours, and not his.
Is he paying for half that 4 bed?
Then his child should be able to treat it as home.

You've got two options, you could either accommodate him or you could start practicing an evil stepmother cackle.

You make room
He's 19 fgs

You're coming across quite selfish tbh, regardless how many times you say you feel guilty.

You're coming up with excuses for him not to stay despite people offering multiple solutions, instead of reasons you could make it work.

If sisters a couple of years apart can't share, a 15 yo lad and 19 yo lad can't share, he can't sleep on the sofa and you have no dining room, and apparently a 4 bed house isn't big enough then you're just stalling hoping he stops asking.

"His dad seems to think he should just come home" Yes because he loves him and he's doing the right thing!!!

Of course he should come home.

The fact of the matter is that if it was your son you'd make the room. You're telling your DH what you really think of his son and I guarantee he's now aware of that. If you're willing to risk your marriage then keep arguing.

YABVU
Let the poor boy come home and support him through his heartbreak and get him back on his feet. I can't believe you'd even question not allowing him home!

If you want to be in a blended family involving that many children the consequence is tricky bedroom arrangements at various points throughout their lives.

I really can't believe you don't want to help him. The sofa is unreasonable but the younger girls sharing is not.

I just get the feeling if he was your DS rather than DSS then it wouldnt be an issue and you would make it work.

Either move DD11 back in with DD8 or move DSS in with DS. He is 20 and i know my DS at 20 was no where near a man and needed his family with him.

Unless the young adult has some kind of history you havent mentioned he should be allowed back.

For god's sake he is 19. Give him a home.

YABU and you've admitted that even you think that. You wouldn't treat your own children like that, but you will treat DSS like that and pretend some guilt and handwringing absolves you somehow.

I hope for your DSS' sake that your DH stands up to you.

If not, sounds like you've got all the experience you need for the upcoming panto season?

I agree with that.

You really can't say no. You have all three of your bio children living with you!

Sofa at the very least. Can one of the bedrooms be partitioned? Or an area of the open plan partitioned or screened off even if just temporarily?

If he was late 20s or something I'd encourage him to get another house share (i don't have a stepson but would do this with my own son). But he's 19, barely an adult, come on!

I have a DSS and 3 younger children. Our three shared so that DSS could have a room to hisself 2 days a week so he didn't feel left out until he went to uni. He then never moved home. YADBU

Either the girls share or the boys share.

YABVVU