To say no to SS moving back in because we have no room

[Claraus]

I’ve been with dh since dss was 10 and he lived with us full time from 12 as his mum lives abroad. He moved out at 18 into a house share with his gf but they’ve split up now and apparently she has most of his stuff. He doesn’t want to stay with mil as she is very controlling.

We have 4 bedrooms. Me and dh, ds15, dd11 and dd8. Dd11 has adhd and has dss old room, the girls used to share but have had their own rooms since dss moved out. Dh thinks dss should just come home and dd11 can share with dd8 again or dss can sleep on the sofa.

I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him. But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either and I don’t think dss can realistically live on the sofa. dh says I’m making it more complicated than it is.

AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

If he was your own child how would you make this work?

that’s what you need to do

He’s 19- yes , you do need to make room.

Who owns the house?

Either:

The two girls share

The two boys share

Girl without ADHD moves in to your bedroom and shares with you, DH and SS move into the next biggest room.

My DS is a year older than your DSS and has moved in with GF, if they split up we would be housing him again. In this day and age not many 18yos are permanently moving out from home. Many are staying until they are late 20s or even longer. At what age are you kicking your DC out @Claraus

@Claraus

initially before I read all your notes my answer was of course you make room for him. However, seeing that you are considering the effect His moving back in would have on your daughter who has ADHD, I believe that consideration is just as important as DSS consideration of not wanting to live with MIL because she is controlling. To me faced with the two options I’ll definitely stick up for DD to keep her room, and i would also not allow a nearly 20 year-old man permanently holed up on a sofa bed in the family Living room.

I don’t want to sound harsh, as I have seen when I had name changed and asked for advice here, that some additional stuff pp say which doesn’t answer the question OP asked do not really add to it. However, I also feel you do need to consider the fact that you went ahead and had three children. So it is a consideration that knowing you had a dss living with you or not , most people would add only one more child or just two more children. So to me that is also a responsibility you need to accept. Good luck. Yes, even when he is 36 et cetera DSS should always feel that he has his dad.

@Claraus You should feel guilty, OP. Your position is completely unacceptable. He is your DH’s child and still young. It’s entirely reasonable for him to expect a home with his father and you have to find a way to make this work. I’m sure it’s been said 1000 times already: imagine if your DH married again and his next wife refused to provide a home for your shared children. This obligation comes with the territory of settling down with someone who already has children.

This is the solution.

This is a seminar moment OP. Turning him away at such a low point from his own family home? You’re gonna have to live with that, and he will resent you, as will your DH.

Divide the girls room with Kalax shelving and a good curtain - having given them the biggest room.

I think this is a good proposal that DSS shares with DS 15. It would make both teenagers work on maturing faster and sorting out their housing. A responsibility I don’t think it’s fair to be imposed on DSS who is nearly 20 alone. In my eyes DS 15 also needs to be put on the same journey of independence,if that is how you want to manage your household..

I think some people are reading this as me saying he can’t come home or that I don’t want him here and thats not what I’ve said at all. I don’t dislike him, he’s my family and has been since he was 10. I just don’t know how we’d actually make it work and thats why I’ve posted.

Well that is not what your title and first post said at all so that is why you are getting the replies you are getting.

He isn't nearly 20 - he is 19. Your own son is probably nearly 16 - does that make a difference? I doubt it.

Put the girls back in together like they were. Have dh talk to his son about some house rules. That's how you will make it work.

Your children will see how you treat this boy. I would not like to be 15 (nearly 16!) watching my mum tell my step brother that there was no room for him in his home.

No, people are rightfully pointing out that you'd make it work for your own child. You are making problems in order to delay this so he magically finds somewhere else. Just out of interest - do you pay the majority of the home's bills given that you should be solely responsible for your two children and half responsible for your shared child's costs? Or is your DH funding your kids while you won't allow his son to come back?

The girls can share the bigger room with some adjustments
He needs a home and his dad

Your DDs need to share again and thats the end of it. Its inconvenient and not what youd prefer but every young adult should be able to go back to his family in his time of need. You're being heartless

I truly hope when you and DH are old and grey that DSS isn't the only child that you can rely on for visits and support because you are going well out of your way to show him that he doesn't fit into your ideal unit.

This is more or less what I also posted in one of my comments. Yes OP does need to think what she would like to do to her nearly 16 year-old DS in the same situation. Or when he hits 18, which is in two years go out moving with a girlfriend last three months, in the meantime SS has moved into the other room, will the OP be quickly saying DS would need to make his way. . In fact, he has a perfect example and she just needs to reach deep in her heart as to how she will deal with her DS if his room had been given away.

The 15 year old has never had to share. The girls have, and the DD with ADHD is coping much better now that she has her space. So it's the 15 year old's turn to share.

If it doesn't go smoothly, then that's the impetus for the 20 year old to plan his future and look at a house share.

He's very young still, and his dad wants him home.

You need to consider all the children, not just yours.

"Just out of interest - do you pay the majority of the home's bills given that you should be solely responsible for your two children and half responsible for your shared child's costs? Or is your DH funding your kids while you won't allow his son to come back?"

Completely agree. Very interested in this answer which we probably won't get.

It's bad enough to turn away DSS but OP's DH is clearly fine with housing and subsidising 2 stepkids. Why is he expected to do that but she can't?

If you were to look at my posting history you would find that I tend to 'side' with the stepmother in most step circumstances. An awful lot is expected from them with no return.
However, he is 19. I would not have assumed him moving out at 18 was permanent in this day and age (and economy!).
So, I think a space needs to be made for him. Get him back on the sofa while you figure out a better solution. You don't stop being a parent once they turn 18, it doesn't work like that anymore.
Perhaps, once he's back, you and your dh could have a sit down with him and lay out some ground rules and tell him you expect him to save towards moving out properly. But yeah, it's his home too, I think you really need to try and make something work.

So what if it's challenging for the 15 year old?
He'll just have to get on with it.
These are difficult times.
He's 19.
There is a cost of living crisis.
You have 2 children that are NOT your husbands living in the house, and think his one son shouldn't have a home?
I hope his father is a decent man and supports his son.
Your position is your children shouldn't be put out.
CF behaviour.
Your children have two bedrooms .....not fair at all.

I’m just agog that someone would tell their 19 year old that they can’t come home because their other children don’t want to share a room.

I am also one of those who is usually on the side of stepMums on this site. But even I can really see how OP hasn’t tried at all to make it work. Would OP want to get more involved if for instance DSS goes on and becomes mentally unwell et cetera et ceter due to this housing crisis of OP own making

My kids share. They both have different additional needs too! It's just how it is because I can afford a one kid flat but wanted two kids.

Your DH has 4 kids. That's less common these days. Unless you're incredibly wealthy that's always going to come with compromises.

Mine are mid 20s now and they know there's always a home back here for them if need be ... relationships/money/work, whatever the reason.

I hope I'd be the same with a step child.

"AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?"
Not having a go at you but - give your head a wobble here! Genuinely, YOU DO HAVE THE ROOM, because you have exactly the same room you had when he lived with you before. What you actually mean is that it is INCONVENIENT in your eyes because DD11 might get a bit ratty about moving back in with her sister. But, it worked before and it can work again.

"I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him."
If you don't want him to think that you are just shutting the door on him, then don't shut the door on him! You say you feel awful, but - not awful enough to not shut the door on him.

"But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either"
It's considerably fairer than shutting the door on your stepson.

"I don’t want him to think I’m turning him away, I’ve been in his life since he was 10."
Again, if you don't want him to think you're turning him away, then don't turn him away.

"And yes if it was one of my own kids I’d obviously want them home and I’d find a way, which is why I’m struggling with it."
Then struggle harder and make it happen.

Stop wringing your hands, find your spine, tell your daughters that they are sharing again, and welcome your stepson home. He's just lost his girlfriend FFS, don't make him feel the loss of his family too.

He’s at mil’s for “a temporary measure” with no end in sight only because he’s not happy there is he wanting to come to yours🤷‍♀️ he is an adult and can’t just keep going from parental figure to parental figures house he needs to sort himself out with a house share!

what are his long term plans? He needs to look at that not just going home to regress into being a child again!

If he'd come back from finishing uni, you'd have expected him to come back home at 21. I don't really see the difference to be honest - he's still fairly young and it's quite hard out there on renting now.
Is the daughters rooms big? I was thinking you could build a room partition perhaps and have them back in the same room? Maybe sleep on the sofa for a couple of weeks and shuffle the rooms around, give the sharers the larger one and divide it.

It would prob do him a lot of good too, knowing there's a safety net for him as a young adult. The alternative would be to pay towards renting elsewhere.