To say no to SS moving back in because we have no room

[Claraus]

I’ve been with dh since dss was 10 and he lived with us full time from 12 as his mum lives abroad. He moved out at 18 into a house share with his gf but they’ve split up now and apparently she has most of his stuff. He doesn’t want to stay with mil as she is very controlling.

We have 4 bedrooms. Me and dh, ds15, dd11 and dd8. Dd11 has adhd and has dss old room, the girls used to share but have had their own rooms since dss moved out. Dh thinks dss should just come home and dd11 can share with dd8 again or dss can sleep on the sofa.

I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him. But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either and I don’t think dss can realistically live on the sofa. dh says I’m making it more complicated than it is.

AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

So he's 19 years old? You're being awful putting your DH in a position where he has to tell his teenage son he doesn't have a home with his family. You have 4 bedrooms, you have plenty of space, let him share with his brother or have the girls share ffs!

I don't think the boys should share - they are older, need more privacy and are step brothers so likely not as comfortable with each other.

A sofa for a few weeks is utterly unacceptable and inappropriate.

The girls should share because they’re 11 and 8.

Hopefully by the time they’re teenagers SS will be back on his feet and secure enough with a deposit and some £ to rent in a shared house.

cant believe there’s suddenly no room in the exact same house he lived in a year ago

Would you have kicked him out at 18 to let your daughters have their own rooms?
Assuming the answer is no then you were obviously happy for them to share. This should be no different now

Have you asked the girls if they are happy to share again until he gets sorted, your 3 kids are very lucky to have their own rooms, how big is each bedroom, can one be screened in half. What would you do if this was one of your children?

I would be divorcing someone who said my 19 year old wasn't welcome in my home because they didn't want their much younger daughters to share a room.

This is your 19yo step son's home as much as it your 15 year old son's home @Claraus. You have the space. You just don't want him to have a room.

So you would house your own children no matter what but because this is your husband's son you want to tell him theres no room at the inn?

If i was your husband i would tell you to fuck right off with that.

Of course YABU! You have a four bedroom house, you can make space. It’s fine for your two girls to share, it’s fine for the two (step)brothers to share. It’s not like he is asking to live with you forever. He probably needs to decompress, get back on his feet, have some family support. Let him have the home that he obviously needs.

Can you finance a loft/garage conversion or a garden room for him to sleep? If a house has 4 bedrooms surely it has a similar footprint downstairs?

I mean the fact that you readily admit that you would find away if it was your own child should give you all the answer you need or does your husband have less rights over your home than you?

This. Gives him a safe space but also encourages him to make it on his own

DD8 and DD11 should share because they are younger and also both girls. He can move into whichever room suits you all best. He's only 19 going on 20, and he needs a space at home.

Or build a garden room with some power as a slightly more long term solution?

If you don't want him to think you're turning him away then don't turn him away.

I'm a generally very easy-going guy. But if I was in your DH's shoes I'd be very close to seeing this a marriage-ending situation. I'd never turn away my own child.

I’m sorry but it’s cruel to shut him out! Can you cordon off some of the downstairs for him? Seems weird you have a 4 bed house and only an open plan downstairs … it must be huge! Other thoughts are a cabin in the garden? Loft extension? Do you have a garage you can convert? That would be longer term of course but til then maybe the boys could share … men in the forces all share! I think your 11 year old will be going through puberty soon so with ND issues may need space

I agree with your husband. Your step son moved out at 18 and he's now only 19 so they've not had separate rooms for very long. They can absolutely go back to sharing and give step son his room back. If they're so worried about sharing again then split the room in half with dividers but your step son should not be forced to sleep on the sofa, he should be welcome back into the family home. It sounds like you don't like him very much. Would you treat your biological children this way?

So you freely admit that if he was your own child that you’d make it work, he’s your DH’s child! He should be treated the same as your kids. FFS either move the 2 boys into the biggest room and build a partition or do the same for the girls. Your kids do not trump your DH’s.

He’s 19. Like many young people, he moved out but it hasn’t worked out. He needs to come home. As a family, you all need to look at ways of making it work.

Are the brothers step-brothers rather than biologically related? I agree it would not be an appropriate option for them to share especially with the age difference.

Do you know why you said ‘nearly 20’… it’s because you how it looks when you say he’s actually just 19 years old.

You wouldn’t say no to one of your children in the same situation so I don’t know why you’d expect your DH to say no to one of his. Very unreasonable, and you know it!

This is such a sad thread. Were there no discussions at the time about him moving in with his gf at such a young age and what would happen if it didn’t work out? I’m surprised it wasn’t a discussion between you and DH at the time.

The very, very least you can do is offer him your sofa.

YABU, horrible and cruel to your Stepson.

YABU

I slept on a blowup in the dining room when 5 months pregnant and my dss had our bedroom for 2 months. I would it again.

You can make the room.

You didn’t consider when he moved out to live with a girlfriend at 18 that there was a chance things wouldn’t work out and he’d need to come back home? I’d have thought it fairly common for teen relationships to end and the young adults needing to move back to family homes as it’s bit affordable to rent solo.

He's not even 20. He shouldn’t be made it feel awkward about this and should be safe in knowledge his dad is still there for him. You need to let him move back (I’d charge rent even if saves and he’d need to be responsible household member of course).

It must be a pretty big living room if it’s four bed upstairs. Can you section a piece off for him temporarily? Make it clear that’s the time at yours is to save money so he can afford to live independently.

He's only 19 and he wants to come home. You must have a cold heart if you tell him no. Has he been in lots of trouble? You say he is working so he needs a permanent home and your DD could move back in together or he could share with your DS. How would you feel if your DH said he didn't want one of your DC to have a home with you. He's your dh's flesh and blood. You don't turn your back on DC when they ask for help. If you refuse him your DH wont feel the same about you, how could he?