To say no to SS moving back in because we have no room

[Claraus]

I’ve been with dh since dss was 10 and he lived with us full time from 12 as his mum lives abroad. He moved out at 18 into a house share with his gf but they’ve split up now and apparently she has most of his stuff. He doesn’t want to stay with mil as she is very controlling.

We have 4 bedrooms. Me and dh, ds15, dd11 and dd8. Dd11 has adhd and has dss old room, the girls used to share but have had their own rooms since dss moved out. Dh thinks dss should just come home and dd11 can share with dd8 again or dss can sleep on the sofa.

I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him. But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either and I don’t think dss can realistically live on the sofa. dh says I’m making it more complicated than it is.

AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

Can’t believe you’re even questioning this. He’s still a teenager and needs your support. Your girls will need to share for a bit.

It’s his family home! Of course he has to come home to his family bedroom. It won’t be forever.

The answer is he shares with DS.

If you had two bedrooms and it was one of your DD’s coming back, you’d be suggesting they share most likely with a 3 year age gap, and so a 4 year age gap for DH’s sons to share isn’t unreasonable.

It’ll hopefully be uncomfortable enough for DSS that he won’t want to hang around long either.

He’s 19 though, you’re making him sound much older. It’s not like he’s 45 and sharing with a teen. Your DS isn’t far off being a full on adult either at 15 (he could be signing up as a soldier within the next year, and just be as independent an adult as DSS!).

edit: having rerun the maths I’m actually guessing DS is not DH’s. In that case, can DSS hang on at MIL’s until DS is 16 then you can ask him to move out and DSS can have his room. I suppose it’s only fair that each kid gets their stint of being homeless once they’re old enough?

If my son had moved out at 18 to share with a gf I wouldn't have seen it as necessarily permanent at that point.

I understand not leaving a room empty but unless he was suddenly earning enough to rent alone at that age it was very likely that he would come back.

Could you pay for him to rent somewhere if it's money that's the issue rather than him wanting to move back in?

So he's only been out of the house about a year? He should definitely be allowed back.

What would you do if this was DS or DD? Drop the S.

" I just don’t know what the right answer is tbh."

Oh come on. Of course you know what the right answer is.

Based on the ages, it sounds like the eldest two are your children, not your DH's and it's incredibly unfair that two of your children has a home with your DH but his own son does not.

Put both girls together in the biggest room. You move into the next biggest, then the boys have one room each.

Yabvvvu if you think he shouldn't come home and have an actual room. He's only 19.

It seems like you have two options - let him move back in and someone will have to share a room (presumably the two girls), or your DH (and therefore you also) help him out financially for a bit to help him live independently.

He's only 20, your daughter's can share even if it's not ideal. This is his father's home too not just yours.

And yes if it was one of my own kids I’d obviously want them home and I’d find a way, which is why I’m struggling with it

Then you find a way for DSS too. He's your DH's kid. If you'd do it for your child, why can't you see that your DH should be able to do it for his child.

He's 19! Of course you can find a way to accommodate him, you just don't want to. Poor kid. When my 18 year old DS moved out with his girlfriend, I made it very clear that this would always be his home if things went wrong - they split after 18 months, and he came home. Because he's my son, and that's what you do for your kids.

If you only have two downstairs rooms in a 4 bed house, then they must be very big rooms. Can you not cordon off some space, put up a temporary wall, or something similar? Or the girls can share again.

What would you do if it was your child? Whatever the answer to that, do it for his child. If I was your DH, I'd be furious with you.

If you would make it work for your own son then you can make it work for your stepson. You come across very badly in this situation and need to think of your stepson’s needs not yours.

DS is 25 and is back living at home.
His experiences of rooms in house shares have been pretty awful and quite expensive.
A live in landlord who regularly let himself in his room.
People stealing food , leaving the kitchens filthy and unusable, drug taking, fights, general anti social behaviour, and poor quality/broken kitchen equipment, bathrooms and locks. Mostly in Plymouth and Newquay.

It all sounds lovely until you have to share with these people.

I can't believe that you are even considering anything else other than telling him he can come home.

You are being really unreasonable.

Either the girls share, or the boys share. But as the girls are younger than the obvious answer is they do. I get you don't want your DD's to share again, but I am sure that your DSS doesn't want to sleep full time on the sofa either

You are a blended family and he must be made to feel welcome.

I am honestly shocked you are thinking of telling him no.

Maybe op,can have the sofa and son can share with his dad, that's what I would suggest if I was dh and my son wasn't welcome in his own home

If you could find a way with your own children, then you can find a way for him. All of these children are your husband’s children, I couldn’t imagine not providing a home for my children until they get on their feet, especially going through a break up too.

My ds 22 has recently come back home. I'd be gutted if dh wasn't on board with that.

Would you be saying the same if he was your own biological son?

I was one of the daughters in a very similar situation OP.

I moved into a room with my sister so my stepbrother could move back in when he was struggling in his early 20s.

I’m so glad my parents did that. I’d be horrified if they’d told him he couldn’t come and live with us when he needed to. It also gave us the chance to build our relationship with him, which I value hugely.

I also have ADHD, as do two of my children - no idea why you’d consider that a reason for children not to share.

Very glad my parents aren’t like you.

Yabu. You make room. Imagine this is your 20 year old daughter who split up with her boyfriend...would you say no to her too...

If DSS says DMIL is “controlling”, I would want to explore that discreetly first to get the other side.
It would be worth coffee/cake and gentle conversation with DMIL to establish if it could just be “boundaries” she is needing to set for him (rather than controlling).

Then you could set the same “boundaries” - if it’s for example coming in at 2 a.m, worse for wear, bringing in uninvited strangers, disturbing the household…

This isn't that straightforward because youre already thinking about three other children and maybe it's hard to find the headspace to think about a fourth, even if you have the heartspace.. especially when DH thinks there's nothing to it. How about you write up a plan to share with DH? This is something he'll need to help make happen too.

Here are some things I'd want to establish:

What is it specifically about SS's mum's expectations that he thinks/hopes won't be the same at yours?

What boundaries might need to be in place at yours?. You would be bringing (back) in a young adult, with young adult expectations. Does he cook/clean and could contribute in this way?

Could the second largest room be for both boys. DH to redecorate two rooms.. (ADHD DD will inevitably be upset and DS potentially too)

Talk to DH about the new plan, his role in making the practicalities work (new bed, redecoration etc).

Where does SS meet his friends/next GF etc? Is there space for this at his mum's home as there isnt at yours?

It's either DS's gcse year or will be soon. How does SS avoid waking his DB when he returns from an (inevitable) night out? Do you keep a bag of bed linen next to the sofa etc? Or does he go to his mum's?

Five years is a big age gap when one is a young adult (who has lived independently) with a school boy 15yrs old. What boundaries need to be established there?

How to make SS feel welcome and that he has a home. How can he contribute practically in a way that might make your life easier?

19 is still very young. He will also be in your life for your whole life. So building a relationship that feels ok is going to really matter.

I think some people are reading this as me saying he can’t come home or that I don’t want him here and thats not what I’ve said at all. I don’t dislike him, he’s my family and has been since he was 10. I just don’t know how we’d actually make it work and thats why I’ve posted.

The youngest is mine and dhs together, dd11 and ds mine but dh has always been their dad figure as they don’t see their dad. dss doesn’t see his mum either so we’ve always just been a family unit really, there isn’t a yours and mine thing here.

Dd11 really struggled with sharing when she was younger and has done much better having her own space. Dss has never shared with ds15 apart from holidays and that was maybe a week at a time so I don’t think either of them would be happy with that long term.

I’m also not saying he can’t have the sofa, I just don’t think its fair if dh is talking about him moving back in permanently. There’s no privacy for him and he gets up quite late so we’d all be trying to use the living room while he’s asleep. It might be ok for a few nights but not as a permanent arrangement.

He was nearly 19 when he moved out and we did talk to him about what would happen if it didn’t work out but he didn’t really want to listen tbh, he was convinced everything was going to be fine. I just want to find a practical solution rather than say no to him.

Well you are turning him away and prioritising your own DC. That’s really unfair, this is his family home too and he’s still so young. You said you’d find a way if it were you Dc, so you need to find a way for him because he is yours too.

She's already said if it was her own child she'd make room. Can't believe she actually admitted that and is still confused as to whether or not she's being unreasonable 🙄