Friend cancelled for a planned hangover

[Bigbirthdaycomingup]

I feel like I'm living in some parallel universe that perfectly crazy things are being presented as normal.

We are both late 40s and know each other since late teens.

I met up with my friend for a gym workout yesterday. We are chatting as we move around the floor. She tells me she's really enjoying not drinking, knocked it off for the last 8 months and no plans to start again. She tells me about her brother who she is very very worried about; his drinking is out of hand and causing huge problems in his life and the family but he won't seek help.

Ok fine.

As we were leaving I remind my friend that we have longstanding plans for Saturday night that DH and I are looking forward to and have the babysitter booked for.

This same friend can be scatty in her own arrangements but she's not flaky in a 'suit herself' kind of way, she just gets confused with details sometimes arriving to the wrong venue an hour early or even a week early etc. So it's good to remind her of things.

Anyway she very apologetically exclaims she has effed up (again!) but got the dates mixed up and can we reschedule as she's meeting up with a different group and they've tickets booked.

I'm disappointed but not offended or annoyed and say no problem.

Then it turns out the event is actually the Friday before but she is looking forward to 'a few drinks' and expects to be hungover on Saturday.

I'm actually so annoyed about it and wondering is our friendship even compatible at this point in life? I don't drink anymore and am very into fitness. I know we probably wouldn't strike up a friendship now. We met decades ago when we both had party lifestyles but even back then I wouldn't have inconvenienced someone for a hangover.

On top of that - an almost identical situation happened before where she cancelled due to an upcoming boozy lunch the day before.

But given I'd spent an hour chatting around topics like how she doesn't drink anymore (apparently she didn't mean NEVER, 'special occasions are different'), how worried she is about her brother but here she is effing up other people's plans because she can't moderate her drinking to the point she herself is functional a whole 24 hours later.

I decided to speak up and say I wasn't happy with that, it was a crappy way to treat me and DH. She told me I needed to be reasonable?

I don't think I was and that's not really the question.

My AIBU is

Yanbu : Your lives are too different, accept that and either leave the friendship or downgrade it massively

Yabu : she cancelled Saturday night on a Tuesday giving you plenty of time. She knew she wouldn't enjoy it, she's fine, you're dramatic.

If she hadn't have cancelled then she'd have cancelled on the day due to being hungover. Either way, she wasn't prepared to take any steps to be in a fit state to see you and your DH, and doesn't seem fussed either way. I'd back right off.

If she's like me then she really suffers the next day but then that's why I stopped a year ago. It's not worth it in your 40s and beyond!

Interesting.

Before you stopped completely would you have cancelled in these circumstances or would you have drunk a lot less / not at all?

I wouldn't have made other plans if I'd already committed to something else as two drinks was enough to make me feel horrible and 3 or 4 would have me puking up all the next day.

I'd have pulled myself together and gone out. Done it before. Hel, I've pulled myself out of my bed after a very ill advised late night, to make a full afternoon tea from scratch. Because I'd invited people, and I'm not a flake.

YABU because she cancelled well in advance and you sound very judgemental of people getting hangovers! As you get older even a small amount of booze seems to cause a hangover or at best sluggishness the next day so a good night out would need recovery time unfortunately at least she’s realised now rather than Friday!

I would too and to be fair she often would but she'd suffer. So I can kind of see the logic in cancelling ahead.

My issue is -
You claim you're not drinking
You are apparently focused on getting fit
You are concerned about your brother
You had made an arrangement with me ages ago

I don't consider needing to drink to excess on Friday night something to prioritise yet it's me who is being inconvenienced.

Yeah this is what I need to hear because I'm pretty sure that's her pov. I

I think we are simply not a good fit anymore.

It's her choice whether or not to drink, and you sound a little judgy of that

But she's out of order choosing to cancel on you because she wants to do something else. I'd gradually fade her out for that. Life's too short to chase after people who mess you around

Would you have cancelled in these circumstances?

YABU.

Totally agree.

Yanbu because clearly she’s flaky and untrustworthy and lying to you and putting your down in her pecking order

planning a hangover is mad and judge all you like because everyone judges behaviour ( even if it’s just judging those who judge ) but more mad when she has given up drinking

She didn’t cancel well in advance. She only remembered because the op reminded her. She wouldn’t have even shown up on Saturday by the sounds of it. The op has also found a babysitter so I would be fuming. I would be telling her so and I wouldn’t be accepting her shitty response!

To be fair if I'd messaged on Saturday and she'd realised her error she probably would have necked some painkillers and arrived in. She's not selfish.

It's obviously different priorities now .I don't know how big a deal that is.

Yeh does sound like different priorities. I would have just sucked it up and coped with the hangover. Especially if the plans were long standing. I really hate letting my friends down so I wouldn’t have. Only you can decide how you feel about it though

I think if it were me, I’d be scaling back Friday OR being prepared to go out Saturday feeling a bit ick (probably a quick hair of the dog would sort that though).

I wouldn’t see Friday plans with group A as a justification to cancel Saturday plans with group B, if I knew it would bugger group B about eg babysitters booked - I’d make it work. My silly fault for booking two events in one weekend, so either a less indulgent Friday OR a bit of hungover womanning up on Saturday.

If it were a ‘20 people down the pub’ Saturday night & my presence or absence wouldn’t impact anyone else, sure, I’d just see how I felt on Saturday. But specific longstanding plans with a mate who has a babysitter booked - no, that’s a bit crap of her.

I wouldn’t fall out with her. I have had friends over the years who have been flaky at different times & for different reasons (& I’ve probably been the flaky friend!) so I’d just mentally note that future plans need to be low stakes - coffee, gym, large group - so it wouldn’t piss me off or inconvenience me if she DID flake.

& I’d be upfront as to why, but only if asked. Life is too short for the drama.

OP, I think you and your friend are on slightly different pages socially here. Ideally she wouldn't have made an arrangement that clashed with yours but it sounds like she has previous for this kind of diary mishap.

Whilst I very rarely cancel anything, I find I have friends who, hangovers aside, would be lacklustre company on the second consecutive night of going out and wouldn't plan to be out on a Friday and Saturday now we are in our early fifties.

I don't feel like this and am still keen to shoehorn as much fun into my leisure time as I can, but we are all different.

The stand out thing here for me is that you were so disappointed by her cancellation. Was it a special event or just a get together? The key to feeling this less might be to enlarge your social circle so you have lots of social stuff going on. Random cancellations have less of an impact in a full social diary. Are there other friends who like the same sort of sober fun as you? Make plans with them.

Personally if I had been in your shoes I would have felt it was a shame she cancelled but taken the opportunity to go out somewhere fun with just DH. We don't do it often enough but I would have loved the extra opportunity.

I have some friends who are prone to cancellations on the flimsiest of premises so I half expect them to cancel and either make it a group thing so if they cancel we manage without them, or have it in the back of my mind that I might have that evening back. To be fair, I have probably downgraded that friend to lunch or a group thing as I know there is a fair chance an evening won't happen and, like you, last minute cancellations aren't my favourite thing. If they invite me, I'm there.

Nobody is unreasonable here. You know this about your friend and you still make plans. It is up to you what prominence you give them in your social life. It doesn't sound like it is worth complaining about to your friend. You won't change her. The only person's behaviour you can change is, sadly, your own. Don't allocate her another Saturday night if you'll be furious if this reoccurs because it almost certainly will.

She's a flake and a hypocrite. I'd bin her.

Her behaviour isn’t great, but you know she is chaotic in this way.

Does she understand about getting and paying babysitters?

Presumably you and DH can have a good night out without her?

If you get on well I would stay friends but not make any arrangements with her that involve expense or tickets or bookings etc.

She is flaky but at least you know in advance and are not finding out on the night. Keep the babysitter and go out and have a lovely time with your DH. Keep arrangements with your friend more casual in future e.g. invite her over for coffee, so no babysitter required.

I'd be pissed off. As she didn't cancel! She waited til you reminded her to tell you that she wasn't going. If you hadn't reminded her she'd have forgotten or cancelled on the day. Which is shit when you've gone to the effort of getting a sitter. I get bad hangovers. If that was me I'd restrict myself to a couple of drinks or just accept that I'll feel really shit come Sunday. I think it's shit to let you down because of something she is planning to inflict on herself. I don't think you're being unreasonable. If it was a complete one off I'd let it go but it sounds like she let's you down quite often. I wouldn't fade the friendship but I'd go back saying it's not the first time she has let you down at the last minute and she hadn't even thought to tell you she was bailing on you til you asked about it. I'd not be walking away from the friendship but I'd be booking in low key things that don't matter if one person cancels (walk, coffee etc)

YANBU to be annoyed by her flakiness. That’s rubbish and inconsiderate of her.

However…

YABU to be annoyed at her reasoning - we shouldn’t really have to provide excuses for not being able to attend something: ‘sorry I can’t’, should do.

YABVU to expect her to change her Friday plans to accommodate your Saturday plans (drink less / not at all if you will have a hangover the next day). That would be a good argument if someone were planning on getting wasted the day before a wedding or funeral or exam or something, but trying to control her personal life so it fits in with yours is not on.
Nor is the judgement on her drinking. At no point have you shown that she has a drinking problem. (Giving up except for certain social occasions signifies nothing really!). That she says, ‘she is looking forward to 'a few drinks' and expects to be hungover on Saturday’, tells us very little other than that she finds hangovers difficult and doesn’t want to face another social activity the next day. Some of us now get horrendous hangovers after a glass or two of wine. It’s called aging!

Often the trouble with ex-drinkers is that they become holier than thou in their views on drinking. Just because you’ve replaced booze with fitness doesn’t mean that everyone should follow your lead or that, if they don’t, they should be judged harshly by you.

All that said, she sounds scatty and that tends to get tiresome very quickly, especially when it repeatedly affects your own plans. So on just that I’d probably not make much effort going forward.

YABU and very judgemental, either accept her for who she is, or move on. I wonder how she describes you?

Sounds like she's indeed got a bit of a problem with alcohol, and this cancellation is just one symptom of it. I don't think ithat this necessarily makes her a bad friend; but alcohol isssues and total reliability about arrangements don't tend to go together and, if that is a big problem for you, I would suggest ar least scaling down the friendship.