Friend cancelled for a planned hangover

[Bigbirthdaycomingup]

I feel like I'm living in some parallel universe that perfectly crazy things are being presented as normal.

We are both late 40s and know each other since late teens.

I met up with my friend for a gym workout yesterday. We are chatting as we move around the floor. She tells me she's really enjoying not drinking, knocked it off for the last 8 months and no plans to start again. She tells me about her brother who she is very very worried about; his drinking is out of hand and causing huge problems in his life and the family but he won't seek help.

Ok fine.

As we were leaving I remind my friend that we have longstanding plans for Saturday night that DH and I are looking forward to and have the babysitter booked for.

This same friend can be scatty in her own arrangements but she's not flaky in a 'suit herself' kind of way, she just gets confused with details sometimes arriving to the wrong venue an hour early or even a week early etc. So it's good to remind her of things.

Anyway she very apologetically exclaims she has effed up (again!) but got the dates mixed up and can we reschedule as she's meeting up with a different group and they've tickets booked.

I'm disappointed but not offended or annoyed and say no problem.

Then it turns out the event is actually the Friday before but she is looking forward to 'a few drinks' and expects to be hungover on Saturday.

I'm actually so annoyed about it and wondering is our friendship even compatible at this point in life? I don't drink anymore and am very into fitness. I know we probably wouldn't strike up a friendship now. We met decades ago when we both had party lifestyles but even back then I wouldn't have inconvenienced someone for a hangover.

On top of that - an almost identical situation happened before where she cancelled due to an upcoming boozy lunch the day before.

But given I'd spent an hour chatting around topics like how she doesn't drink anymore (apparently she didn't mean NEVER, 'special occasions are different'), how worried she is about her brother but here she is effing up other people's plans because she can't moderate her drinking to the point she herself is functional a whole 24 hours later.

I decided to speak up and say I wasn't happy with that, it was a crappy way to treat me and DH. She told me I needed to be reasonable?

I don't think I was and that's not really the question.

My AIBU is

Yanbu : Your lives are too different, accept that and either leave the friendship or downgrade it massively

Yabu : she cancelled Saturday night on a Tuesday giving you plenty of time. She knew she wouldn't enjoy it, she's fine, you're dramatic.

I try to manage my diary and not put in anything after a planned night out, and I’d normally prioritise the first commitment thoughI’d made if I found myself in a situation where I’d overcommitted myself, so if Sat was booked first and then I accepted Fri second then I’d apologise/cancel Friday. (Unless I’d really messed up and bought expensive tickets for Fri that couldn’t be refunded and the other event was easier to reschedule/my absence wouldn’t be missed).

But it sounds like your friend is used to having everyone help manage her diary and scattyiness is tolerated.

I’d probably wouldn’t cancel, I’d try to moderate my drinking a bit on Friday and make sure I did everything to minimise a hangover - eg water, electrolytes,, right foods on arrival home and for breakfast to settle digestive system and painkillers so I could keep both commitments and manage my diary more carefully in the future. Which is similar what have to do after work events and then working next day.

I do think “not drinking anymore” means different things to different people know, some people means no drinking ever, some people it means not drinking at home routinely or not going to pub after work a few nights a week but does include drinking for special occasions / events.

A bit annoying of her, but you’re being too much, analysing everything she says.
sometimes decisions and plans change.
it’s frustrating but you have enough notice too plan something else if you wanted.

I think you’re incompatible these days because she prioritises getting drunk over friendship. Most normal people, with plans two days running, would ensure they didn’t get plastered on the first of the planned events to ensure they could also then attend the second of the planned events. She’s prioritised this other event and getting drunk over meeting up with you.

And all this stuff about not remembering times and places is BS. She’s an adult and she is beyond pathetic not being able to organise herself like an adult. She could at least learn to do the decent thing and find a way to record her plans with correct times and places to ensure she doesn’t waste other people’s time. I’m sure she’s not beyond using a calendar.

I can’t believe what low expectations some people have of their friends, to think it’s fine to cancel a longstanding arrangement a few days in advance because you are planning on having a few drinks the night before. It’s the kind of thing you do when you are in your twenties, not well into your forties. Any good friend of mine that did that a few times would be relegated to a good acquaintance.

Also: My issue is -
You claim you're not drinking
You are apparently focused on getting fit
You are concerned about your brother
You had made an arrangement with me ages ago

First point: why is this your business?

Second point: why is this your business? And also when did fitness mean you have to be teetotal???

Third point: why is this your business? And why so fixated on this? You keep mentioning her brother. Why? Surely being concerned about her own brother’s drinking does not mean that she has the same issues as him or that to support him she should never drink?! And her raising her concerns about him, doesn’t give you an automatic right to judge her drinking.

Fourth point: very valid point.

YABU to the extent that I don't think it makes a huge difference that she's cancelling for the event itself vs how's she's going to feel the next day. Some strong introverts for example would find it hard to do big social things on consecutive days and if they messed up their scheduling might cancel one due to this, but you might never know that that the scheduling "conflict" wasn't technically a conflict but felt that way to the person.

So I think the cancellation is in same category as all cancellations in the sense that if the person is doing it a lot and/or mainly to you, it means the person thinks their time is more important than yours and/or is a bit of a dick.

The reason matters less than that she has cancelled full stop and you need to figure out if you're ok with that.

YABU, sounds like had realised it was the day after her plans she wouldn’t have planned to meet you then in the first place. Then she realised her mistake, because of your text and had the foresight that she probably wouldn’t be good company , and let you know that it’d be best to reschedule. A little annoying, sure , but it sounds like your feelings mostly come from judging her for getting drunk enough to have a hangover

This same friend can be scatty in her own arrangements but she's not flaky in a 'suit herself' kind of way, she just gets confused with details sometimes arriving to the wrong venue an hour early or even a week early etc. So it's good to remind her of things.
Drop the rope. Most women suffer the mental load of sorting the family admin, so who needs to add on friends' admin too?
Stick to casual, not-pre-booked stuff.

You’ve been pre-stood up for a hangover. As in, she knows she’s going to drink (quantities don’t matter, everyone’s different) the night before to the point she’s going to feel rotten a whole day later, despite already having a plan to meet up with you. You’ve told her you’ve booked a sitter etc, and rather than temper her drinking or cancel the later plan, she’s cancelling you. Going out with you is less important to her than (1) Friday’s plans (2) slobbing on the sofa feeling a bit crap. That’s what you need to know.

You don’t need to ditch her entirely, but she’s told you where you stand in her life. I’d reciprocate with equal commitment.

Where’s the voting?

anyway Yanbu to be annoyed that she’s cancelled long standing plans without good reason.

I agree with the posters who say you sound overly concerned with her business here. It's only the cancellation to you that is relevant. Some people would be ok with that, some wouldn't, and it's a bit context dependent - that's just a personal reflection you need to make.

YANBU.

She’s made it clear that she would prefer to ditch you altogether for newer, more exciting plans. The drinking is basically irrelevant here.

You had longstanding plans, organised a babysitter - you then had to remind her of them, so she’s clearly a flake. Only for her to essentially say she’d rather go out on Friday and get shitfaced than see you.

I’d be noting that, and not making any effort with her again.

I'd fade out. She forgot your plans but hadn't forgotten the others, it's thoughtless, she either doesn't care as much about you and the friendship as you do, or is taking massively taking you for granted.

I wouldn't be making arrangements to go out with her again.
She's rude.
See her at the gym if you do, but no more arrangements where you arrange a babysitter.
I don't do flakey people.

I get it! YANBU

Given that you are at the stage of questioning whether there's any point in a continued friendship, I would send her a non-aggressive message saying that you are feeling put out by her now twice cancelling arrangements she's made with you because she's subsequently made plans with other people the day/night before. It feels really dismissive of you and the friendship and you feel sad about that.

Given that you are pretty anti-drinking, maybe she feels she would be pissing you off even more to meet up with you when hungover. Who knows, but if you are interested in the possibility of maintaining a friendship, you could give her the chance to reflect, apologise, explain and change her ways before just cancelling the friendship altogether.

YANBU.

She didn't cancel with plenty of time - you already have the babysitter booked.

She didn't cancel herself - she used your reminder to cancel.

She told you that the plans with you are not a priority - not over the other friends (no problem), not over having the third drink (good to know).

The whole "I don't drink anymore" spiel sounds totally crazy. She is an adult, she is free to drink, so why the performative lie?

I don't understand the YABU voices, it isn't judgmental to notice her lack of consistency.

I would be annoyed. Why has she chosen to cancel your plans specifically? They were booked in advance so should take priority. If she knew Friday night would involve drink and a day long hangover, she should have turned it down knowing she has plans Saturday night.

Nah, too flaky. I’d be seriously considering scaling back. The reason for her pulling out is irrelevant. She’s showing you that you don’t feature that highly on her list of people.
ok so this is her usual self but at some point in the friendship you will start to question where you sit. Maybe this is the point.
I have one of these ‘friends’. We make plans, she forgets or double books, usually with really pathetic excuse (booked a gym class, wants to be home for OH getting in from work, take the dog for a walk). I just can’t be arsed.
Yet she always refers to me as her ‘bestie’ 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣
I’ve slowly withdrawn and now can’t remember the last time just the two of us have spent anytime together. There’s a trio of us too and she flakes on that too. We just shake our heads and have a lovely time without her.

…AND I stopped drinking almost 5 years ago and don’t drink. At all. I also have friends who have stopped drinking who drink on holiday, drink on a special occasion, drink only in a Saturday. But they’ve stopped drinking apparently 🤷🏼‍♀️ Please don’t say you’ve stopped drinking when you have actually changed to being an occasional drinker. I find it rather annoying so I get you @Bigbirthdaycomingup . Well done for packing it in 💐

Of course it's OP's business, they are friends and she has been given all this information.
This friend has made up some sobriety story and fed it to OP unprompted, only to then cancel their plans because they are going to get so drunk the day before that they won't be able to make it.
I think it's rude to cancel plans unless an emergency, especially with such short notice. But the weird lies would bother me even more.

YANBU

I think the "plans to be hungover" is less, she's lying in her bed incapable of moving, more like she'll be a bit fuzzy have to do XYZ with kids and chores Saturday and then come 9pm she'll want to be heading off to bed with a cup of tea. I'm 40 and couldn't do two nights on the bounce out.

The other plan sounds like a gig or something and yours sounds more like a dinner out or something so other than babysitter (which I get is annoying!) could be done another time.

If you no longer feel like the friendship is a good fit, then that's fine to back away but I don't think she's really done anything wrong here other than been a bit disorganised!

Yanbu would be the last time I made plans with her.

She’s a total flake.

Don’t arrange anything with her. Let her run around after you.

If you do meet her, keep it casual, for things that you don’t need to dress upmfor.