Friend cancelled for a planned hangover

[Bigbirthdaycomingup]

I feel like I'm living in some parallel universe that perfectly crazy things are being presented as normal.

We are both late 40s and know each other since late teens.

I met up with my friend for a gym workout yesterday. We are chatting as we move around the floor. She tells me she's really enjoying not drinking, knocked it off for the last 8 months and no plans to start again. She tells me about her brother who she is very very worried about; his drinking is out of hand and causing huge problems in his life and the family but he won't seek help.

Ok fine.

As we were leaving I remind my friend that we have longstanding plans for Saturday night that DH and I are looking forward to and have the babysitter booked for.

This same friend can be scatty in her own arrangements but she's not flaky in a 'suit herself' kind of way, she just gets confused with details sometimes arriving to the wrong venue an hour early or even a week early etc. So it's good to remind her of things.

Anyway she very apologetically exclaims she has effed up (again!) but got the dates mixed up and can we reschedule as she's meeting up with a different group and they've tickets booked.

I'm disappointed but not offended or annoyed and say no problem.

Then it turns out the event is actually the Friday before but she is looking forward to 'a few drinks' and expects to be hungover on Saturday.

I'm actually so annoyed about it and wondering is our friendship even compatible at this point in life? I don't drink anymore and am very into fitness. I know we probably wouldn't strike up a friendship now. We met decades ago when we both had party lifestyles but even back then I wouldn't have inconvenienced someone for a hangover.

On top of that - an almost identical situation happened before where she cancelled due to an upcoming boozy lunch the day before.

But given I'd spent an hour chatting around topics like how she doesn't drink anymore (apparently she didn't mean NEVER, 'special occasions are different'), how worried she is about her brother but here she is effing up other people's plans because she can't moderate her drinking to the point she herself is functional a whole 24 hours later.

I decided to speak up and say I wasn't happy with that, it was a crappy way to treat me and DH. She told me I needed to be reasonable?

I don't think I was and that's not really the question.

My AIBU is

Yanbu : Your lives are too different, accept that and either leave the friendship or downgrade it massively

Yabu : she cancelled Saturday night on a Tuesday giving you plenty of time. She knew she wouldn't enjoy it, she's fine, you're dramatic.

It sounds like it was never going to be any different with her so there's not much point in thinking about what she should have done

I would just not make plans with her again. And if she suggested doing anything I'd just say I didn't want to go through booking a babysitter for her to cancel again

YANBU. I only drink a couple of times a year and before that I planned my hangovers because they became really bad. In her situation I would simply not drink so I could still honour my plans the next day. It sounds like a show, not a wedding or special occasion. She has essentially chosen drinking and having a hangover as being more fun than spending time with you - otherwise she would tell the other friends she has fucked up and she’s not drinking

My thought is it might be more to do with not wanting two nights out on the trot rather than the hangover. I can't hack that level of socialising any more and would be wiped out by it whether drinking or not. Obviously she shouldn't have double-booked (as in arranged to go out for the two nights) in the first place, but you do say she's forgetful and I understand the feeling of not being able to face it. That said, you're totally fine to feel a line's been crossed and pull back from making arrangements with her as she can't be relied upon and has put you out.

Socialising two nights in a row, regardless of drinking would be a no from me. So yes if I were her I’d rearrange.

It sounds like she has a drink problem...all that talk about giving up and feeling better, but at the same time knowing that if she goes out she'll go mad and be hungover.

I’d feel the same OP, but I was brought up to honour plans and turn up, even if something better came along. I do perceive that manners are a dying art though, we now live in an era of the Individual. People complain they have no village, but that means being part of one yourself and showing up for people when you said you would.
It disappoints me that people think this behaviour is acceptable, but doesn’t surprise me as it’s becoming the norm.
I would just downgrade the relationship to acquaintance, and save friendship for the people who value you.

I don't book things for the day after a night out.
I often don't drink, and very rarely get hangovers when I do (although that may be due to change as I approach my 40s) but I struggle with the late night and social battery drain for the next couple of days.

I would see going out on a Friday as a reasonable reason for not going out on a Saturday
BUT she is unreasonable to have knowingly double booked herself and not keeping track of her plans. In these circumstances I would have cancelled the Friday plans not yours unless it was something particularly special and not repeatable.

I do also have a low threshold for hypocrites and tend to give people who spend time judging others and acting self righteous only to do the same thing quietly themselves.

I'd leave the ball in her court and treat her as time and space friend - pleasant conversation whilst you are at the gym together but don't leave the friendship at the gym door

I'm surprised at some of these responses as I've always felt Mumsnet was fairly anti alcohol (and I say that as someone who likes a drink or three myself!)

Fair enough that the friend also doing something on Friday. But cancelling on you (and only after being reminded) because she isn't prepared to not drink or limit her drinks on Friday is really crap and flaky. I try not to go out two nights running these days because it seems a bit much but if I'd arranged to do so I would stick to the plan and not let friends down, bar actual illness or similar.

Does it feel like she's showing you where you are in your pecking order of friends? I had a friend who tended to assume I was always available. (My youngest child was a bit of a surprise and much younger than the other kids in our friendship group, so I didn't arrange to go out in the evenings that much.) One time we had arranged to meet on Sunday and she added "I might cancel last minute as I'm seeing x on Friday and y on Saturday and I might decide I've had enough socialising by then". I was quite annoyed and cancelled myself, told her let's rearrange for when you feel you can make a definite plan because I don't want to be disappointed by a last minute cancellation. She wasn't very happy but we are still friends. She got a lot better at not taking me for granted after that.

The telling you she's stopped drinking and then planning for a hangover is just ... weird.

How immature. I would throw this one back OP.

She sounds a bit hypocritical and a bit flaky.
I would keep your babysitter OP and go out with your DH

Say I knew I couldn’t function with a hangover and had already made plans that required (or ideally required) me to be hangover free, I’d decline the event the night before so I could still attend the previously made plans (or just go and not drink). Rather than accept the new invitation and cancel the existing plans.
i think that shows where the priorities are.

I don’t think you need to stop being friends if you otherwise like her, but maybe just dial it down to gym sessions and more casual meet ups like coffee, that don’t require you being inconvenienced or feeling let down if/when de-prioritised?

Your friend is behaving like a teenager. Scatty and flaky. And clearly has not yet worked out that it is possible to drink without having a hangover, provided that you know your limit and stick to it.

In general I wouldn’t particularly mind the cancellation because of a hangover (obviously that depends on what the plans are). What I would mind is her preaching about never drinking anymore and then this!

Seems a bit odd she can't get herself organised with plans. How does she manage at work? Books in meetings then flakes when other people have got organised? That's the same as messing you and your babysitters about (ok, she gets paid for work, but if you can sort yourself out at work, you can make sure you don't let friends down).
Even teenagers can get their plans sorted and not mess people about. You probably can't stop her drinking, that's her choice, though it must be annoying she's gone on about her brother then is obviously drinking like this.

Yanbu to be annoyed at the cancellation. she can go out and have an enjoyable evening without drinking. It was possible for both events to happen in these circumstances.

If you feel like she is unreliable for this kind of social planning, just fade on that aspect. Maybe she is just a fitness partner for now. See how it goes. You don’t have to make grand decisions.

I wouldn’t drop a friendship now if I were you, not in the aftermath of this as it seems like a knee jerk reaction but yes it was really bad form of her

I think that she gave plenty of notice, and I think it's fine to keep the day after going out for drinks to be kept free.

I would however be annoyed that id sat and listened to her bullshit me about not drinking anymore. I'd think she was full of shit.

YABU, because the only reason you're annoyed is that you're judgy about her drinking on a big night out. If she'd cancelled in advance because she was, eg, running a marathon the day before and knew she'd be knackered, you wouldn't think that was a problem. You're just sneery about someone liking a drink and I don't think you're compatible any more.

If I know im going to be drinking heavily enough to be hungover the next day I cancel all plans and make sure I dont have any responsibilities. I cant function the following day after a night out which is why I rarely do it so plan accordingly.
At least she was honest about it!
Its the people that say they will be fine (knowing from experience it doesn't work like that) then cry off 'ill' that wind me up

A lot of friendships are circumstantial. You meet at school, university, the school gate, a job etc. As time goes on the ones you really gel with stay as friends and the others leave your life. This sounds like a friendship which is past its sell by date. You want and do different things and have different values. Time to move on.

I hope you and your husband have a great night out anyway without her.

I am the kind of person who gets dates mixed up but I am also the kind of person who when I realise I've overbooked myself will simply suck it up and go to both things because I'm not a baby and it's all my own fault.

It sounds like she's not that bothered about missing out on seeing you on the Saturday which says more about how she sees you as a friend.

I feel like your friendship has come to its natural end.

It's more like she'd spent an hour talking about how she can't walk anymore and has to use a wheelchair forever, then cancelled because she was running a marathon the day before.

OP as PPs have said she sounds like she has a problem with alcohol and I would also be annoyed.

Cancelling a planned meet up due to a separate social event the night before is mad - especially as she only did it when you reminded her and sounds completely blase about it. You're not unreasonable to be annoyed.

However, there's probably not much to be gained by discussing it with her, you are on different pathways and she is not going to change or be reflective I imagine.

I'm surprised you're getting a hard time on this.

I am scatty and struggle with organisation. I feel really terrible when I have to cancel though, and I would avoid it if I could (sometimes it's impossible to fix once I've made the mistake as I can't be in two places at once). In this case she could fix the booking error, by limiting her drinks on Friday (or just having a night out without drinking, which is possible and can still be fun!) and/or feeling tired and off but struggling through it on Saturday. That's what I would do. I would not cancel a Saturday night plan because my plan for Friday night would make me too tired etc. My mistake so I would just deal with it.

Also I do accept that by being a scatty person who does cancel sometimes, people may not want to be friends with me. And that's ok honestly. Some people are not compatible, being cancelled on is irritating. Not sure why people are telling you to widen your social circle so that you're less upset by cancellations. It's understandable to be upset, especially when you've gone to the trouble of organising a baby sitter.

Also, if someone is talking about how they want to drink less/stop drinking and then they are seemingly unable or unwilling to have a Friday night without - I might not judge them but I might wonder whether they are ok.