Friend cancelled for a planned hangover

[Bigbirthdaycomingup]

I feel like I'm living in some parallel universe that perfectly crazy things are being presented as normal.

We are both late 40s and know each other since late teens.

I met up with my friend for a gym workout yesterday. We are chatting as we move around the floor. She tells me she's really enjoying not drinking, knocked it off for the last 8 months and no plans to start again. She tells me about her brother who she is very very worried about; his drinking is out of hand and causing huge problems in his life and the family but he won't seek help.

Ok fine.

As we were leaving I remind my friend that we have longstanding plans for Saturday night that DH and I are looking forward to and have the babysitter booked for.

This same friend can be scatty in her own arrangements but she's not flaky in a 'suit herself' kind of way, she just gets confused with details sometimes arriving to the wrong venue an hour early or even a week early etc. So it's good to remind her of things.

Anyway she very apologetically exclaims she has effed up (again!) but got the dates mixed up and can we reschedule as she's meeting up with a different group and they've tickets booked.

I'm disappointed but not offended or annoyed and say no problem.

Then it turns out the event is actually the Friday before but she is looking forward to 'a few drinks' and expects to be hungover on Saturday.

I'm actually so annoyed about it and wondering is our friendship even compatible at this point in life? I don't drink anymore and am very into fitness. I know we probably wouldn't strike up a friendship now. We met decades ago when we both had party lifestyles but even back then I wouldn't have inconvenienced someone for a hangover.

On top of that - an almost identical situation happened before where she cancelled due to an upcoming boozy lunch the day before.

But given I'd spent an hour chatting around topics like how she doesn't drink anymore (apparently she didn't mean NEVER, 'special occasions are different'), how worried she is about her brother but here she is effing up other people's plans because she can't moderate her drinking to the point she herself is functional a whole 24 hours later.

I decided to speak up and say I wasn't happy with that, it was a crappy way to treat me and DH. She told me I needed to be reasonable?

I don't think I was and that's not really the question.

My AIBU is

Yanbu : Your lives are too different, accept that and either leave the friendship or downgrade it massively

Yabu : she cancelled Saturday night on a Tuesday giving you plenty of time. She knew she wouldn't enjoy it, she's fine, you're dramatic.

My expectation of the weekend was for me to drive on Saturday and stay out for many drinks to be sunk by the other three.

this sounds thoroughly shit. For you.

Just keep the sitter and go out with your husband

Either way, she’s showing a selfish streak by arranging a night out with friends who have had to organise a babysitter, then cancelling because she can’t regulate her drinking 🤷🏻‍♀️

Can’t believe you wanted to drive the three and then sit there whilst the three of them got pissed

sounds like a crap night to me 🤷‍♀️

Why the need to comment and end it why a shrug? If you’d actually have read to the end of what I wrote, you’ll have seen that’s exactly what I said… (minus the drinking bit as we have no idea if the woman has a problem or not)

Why? They are all great company. I used to drink with them and what I discovered to my absolute surprise is I still have the same laughs with them when I'm sober. The night does reach a tipping point and it's time for me to go - DH comes home too. I don't care about other people drinking and they don't care about me not drinking, I don't think they notice.

Our night out is a dinner, already booked. The other is a gig I think, paid for already. I don't have a problem with other people drinking.

And you drive them back home too?

so they get off their faces and you sit there enjoying it.

Are you actually surprised that for most people this wouldn’t be an enjoyable way to spend an evening?

I don't think they notice.

I don’t doubt that. They’re pissed and you’re the taxi driver!

So… go with your husband

I did read until the end of your post. Having a drink when you go out isn’t the problem, it’s not being able to stop having a drink to the extent that it ruins your plans for the next day that have also been pre-arranged. People can drink as much as they want, as long as you don’t mess other people around in the process.

Thread is taking a strange turn. The OP has made it clear they used to be 'party people'. The OP has given up drinking and is embracing fitness but is absolutely fine with her mate and their husbands having a few+ drinks whilst she voluntarily stays sober and drives - she still enjoys the laughs and doesn't need the booze to be part of the fun. What she does - rightly - mind is having plans cancelled because the person making plans with her will then go on to make boozy plans with someone else and then feel she needs / wants to cancel plans with the OP. It's thoughtless and hurtful. For one last time, I would urge the OP to think about non-aggressively, and also non passively-aggressively, spelling this out to her old friend. Her reaction to that, after a week or so of digesting the feedback, will tell you so much more about whether this friendship needs to get not just downsized but faded out to nothing.

Ridiculous , I’m in my forties and tend not to book things two nights in a row anymore regardless of if I’m drinking or not but I wouldn’t choose a favourite and cancel the other.

Shes basically saying the other group is more important.

i have a longstanding friendship where i started to feel taken for granted. I didn’t want to end the friendship but i reduced its importance . I stopped prioritising it over other friendships/ outings and I started a mindset of this might get cancelled so if it went ahead it was a bonus. I never paid upfront for anything either.

Why do you care? You’re not going.

It's a shitty thing to do.

She's basically saying the other plans she has made, and getting pissed, are more important than keeping the plans she had with you. It's horrible when you've been looking forward to something for ages and then people don't seem to give a toss.

YANBU.

Care? It’s Mumsnet. We are chewing the fat. No one actually cares! 😆

You had dinner and a gig booked

I can’t understand why you don’t just keep the sitter and go with your husband?!! Or invite another couple friend

Yes but you have posted on repeat to tell me why it's odd that I enjoy seeing my old friends as they are drinking, that I'm their taxi driver and I'm just sitting there while they get off their faces. We are usually in a very good restaurant for a start.

Can you not see it would be weirder to say I've been friends with these people for thirty years but I can't stand being around them unless I'm drunk. Or ask to meet up but police their drinking?

I honestly can't see where you're coming from. And no I don't drive them home as they stay later - but I would if they were happy to leave.

Oh a couple of times 🤷‍♀️

I don't have a gig booked, you seem confused. Why are you so insistent I go out alone with my husband? Are you married and don't allow yours spend time with other people?

Either way - not going to happen.

So why not just keep the sitter and go out with husband and invite another couple of friends? Or just with your husband.

And you’ll probably have a better time!

How the heck does she parent 4 children the next day with these raging and debilitating hangovers?!!

Apologies I read that you had a gig booked

so you won’t go out if you can’t go out with this one couple?

But you aren’t going out at all now? Or will you make alternative plans?

It sounds like Friday is a big deal because she doesn’t drink anymore and because she doesn’t drink habitually any more, she’s likely to have a hangover. Going out two nights running may also pose a bit of a challenge social energy wise? You sound a bit judgey with her drinking - you can’t control other people but she has been a bit selfish.

Is it enough to drop the friendship? We all change as we age, friendships change - there doesn’t need to be an off switch you can just cool it a bit for a while.

This is a good point, I had not considered this perspective.