Friend cancelled for a planned hangover

[Bigbirthdaycomingup]

I feel like I'm living in some parallel universe that perfectly crazy things are being presented as normal.

We are both late 40s and know each other since late teens.

I met up with my friend for a gym workout yesterday. We are chatting as we move around the floor. She tells me she's really enjoying not drinking, knocked it off for the last 8 months and no plans to start again. She tells me about her brother who she is very very worried about; his drinking is out of hand and causing huge problems in his life and the family but he won't seek help.

Ok fine.

As we were leaving I remind my friend that we have longstanding plans for Saturday night that DH and I are looking forward to and have the babysitter booked for.

This same friend can be scatty in her own arrangements but she's not flaky in a 'suit herself' kind of way, she just gets confused with details sometimes arriving to the wrong venue an hour early or even a week early etc. So it's good to remind her of things.

Anyway she very apologetically exclaims she has effed up (again!) but got the dates mixed up and can we reschedule as she's meeting up with a different group and they've tickets booked.

I'm disappointed but not offended or annoyed and say no problem.

Then it turns out the event is actually the Friday before but she is looking forward to 'a few drinks' and expects to be hungover on Saturday.

I'm actually so annoyed about it and wondering is our friendship even compatible at this point in life? I don't drink anymore and am very into fitness. I know we probably wouldn't strike up a friendship now. We met decades ago when we both had party lifestyles but even back then I wouldn't have inconvenienced someone for a hangover.

On top of that - an almost identical situation happened before where she cancelled due to an upcoming boozy lunch the day before.

But given I'd spent an hour chatting around topics like how she doesn't drink anymore (apparently she didn't mean NEVER, 'special occasions are different'), how worried she is about her brother but here she is effing up other people's plans because she can't moderate her drinking to the point she herself is functional a whole 24 hours later.

I decided to speak up and say I wasn't happy with that, it was a crappy way to treat me and DH. She told me I needed to be reasonable?

I don't think I was and that's not really the question.

My AIBU is

Yanbu : Your lives are too different, accept that and either leave the friendship or downgrade it massively

Yabu : she cancelled Saturday night on a Tuesday giving you plenty of time. She knew she wouldn't enjoy it, she's fine, you're dramatic.

I think some of the posters saying that “2 nights out in a row is a lot” have missed the point that your night out was planned first…..

YANBU. In your shoes, the friendship has run its course.

She could choose not to drink on the Friday night or limit it to just one but she’s actively choosing to get pissed.

I can’t be bothered with piss heads who haven’t grown out of that behaviour by late 40’s. They still think they’re invincible and haven’t switched on to the damage they’re doing to themselves.

Hmm. She didn’t really give plenty of notice because she’d forgotten all about her prior engagement with the OP until the OP reminded her.

The OP has already booked a babysitter (as any sensible person would) so she’s causing even more inconvenience to the OP by the late cancellation.

She sounds a flaky pastry and I’d be ditching her.

I think she looked at the date the other friends suggested, saw nothing there and said yes, not allowing for or noticing your thing the day after. If you make plans with her again I'd say you understand the need to pace yourself, but could she please check there's nothing booked the day before your meetup. I've just had to say no to loads of stuff because it comes the night after other stuff. And yes I'd worry a bit about her drinking.

Where does the OP or her friend say which event was booked first? The OP says that her plans were long standing, but that doesn’t mean that her friend’s plans for the Friday weren’t planned even longer ago.
The friend said that she, ‘… got the dates mixed up and can we reschedule as she's meeting up with a different group and they've tickets booked.’
Perhaps the Friday plans were booked ages ago and the friend later agreed to the OP’s plans for the Saturday.

Equally, the OP doesn’t say what her plans were. If a dinner and the other thing is ticketed (perhaps a gig / theatre) then, the paid for thing will be harder to cancel. It’s less about having other friends that take higher priority, than the type of event.

Anyway, that doesn’t really matter. I don’t think anyone has been giving the OP a hard time about being miffed about her ‘scatty’ (inconsiderate!) friend bailing at the last moment. We’ve all said it’s reasonable to feel annoyed. Some of us have though struggled with the OP’s rather patronising view towards people having a drink when they go out.

If she had cancelled because she'd run a marathon the day before, would that be more acceptable?

Ok so -

My friend is an extrovert and I guess I am too.

I don't say much or anything about not drinking and I don't care if other people drink. Whenever it's noticed I simply say I'm driving and if pressed i explain I'm doing a lot of fitness events at the moment and between work and family commitments I don't want to waste training time on hangovers.

My expectation of the weekend was for me to drive on Saturday and stay out for many drinks to be sunk by the other three. I don't mind going to the pub after the restaurant but I wouldn't stay past midnight as it all gets a bit messy then. That's usually how it goes when we are out as a foursome.

I was very surprised to hear she hasn't been drinking and I did assume she meant the same way i don't drink (nothing) to something else (frequently or at home I now assume).

For her to be drinking to the point she can't attend dinner the next evening isn't a couple of glasses, it's a couple of bottles plus cocktails. That's just a fact not a judgement, the night will start early evening and go into the small hours.

So yes given she had been confiding all the way through our gym session how worried she was about her brother, how good she felt not drinking and then how she would like down the line to think about training for events with me I was not expecting her to cancel for a hangover.

Yes I have other friends and engagements but I was still looking forward to this; everyone gets on well, it's always fun, I enjoy the restaurant we had booked, outfit planned, babysitter booked etc.

I think it's normal to be disappointed when something you are looking forward to is cancelled. I don't think it's fair to be annoyed if it's out of the other person's control. I don't think a hangover meets that criteria.

I am going to take the advice here from the posters who said to downgrade plans to casual or group arrangements.

I'd think it was weird if she'd told me she wasn't running anymore and she'd also offloaded how worried she was about a family member effing up their life with their exercise addiction. If it then transpired there was a 5k and 10k option she was signed up for but she would probably decide on the day to do the marathon I'd wonder why I was then being cancelled on.

YANBU. I don’t like doing 2 nights out on the spin anymore but I’d just make sure I didn’t over do it on the Friday night or if I didn’t want to drink both nights I’d drive on the Saturday. It’s not that difficult! I’d be annoyed too

I'm struggling with the whole concept of a planned hangover.

Yes this is the bit that's irritating me; you know you have stuff on the following evening and have the choice to not go all in.

There are different 'norms' in relationships, households and families though.

Once years ago when DC were little this friend and I had expensive tickets for something. In the morning she messaged and said she probably wouldn't make it as her DH was still not home from his night out so likely wouldn't be in a fit state to look after the DC.

Later in the week when we spoke I asked her what happened with her and DH, was she annoyed with him. She looked totally confused and said gosh no, he got caught up in the night out, that's what happens, it wasn't his fault. I remember thinking "that's all very well but because he decided to spend an extra 12 hours getting off his face we all had to change our plans."

I was still looking forward to this; everyone gets on well
What does her DP make of her flakiness, or is he as bad? It's going to impact on his social life, too, if people start dropping her.

No issues whatsoever, they are very happy together and fairly similar.

Personally I’d rather she cancelled rather than turning up hungover! It sounds like she made a mistake that’s in character for her and double booked herself. You and your husband can still enjoy the night with a babysitter.

But it's not clear from OP whether she made the arrangement to go out with OP first or for the Friday with others.

In any event and whichever way, she DID positively arrange to go out with OP and her husband and they were perfectly justified in assuming that it was going to happen and book a babysitter. And it's not even as though she's double booked herself on the same night.

And yes I think the OP is also justified in feeling miffed about the reason, given that she was subjected to a monologue from her friend about how much better she felt for not drinking and how she was never going to do it again. If someone said that to me I'd again assume they meant it. Or at least not announce less than half an hour later that they've been planning for some time to go out on the piss to the point they'd have a massive hangover.

Does she have kids?

Four.

she cancelled a few days in advance even tho op had booked a babysitter etc. because she's be drinking 24 hours prior!! op might be a bit just about hangovers but be should all be a bit mushy about people who drink to such excess that they cannot keep to their commitments a day later!! it wasn't breakfast op was going out for, it was the night. and I love a drink, and rarely as sensible as I should be when I get the chance, but fully subscribe to the pull yourself together if you can't behave!

Young? Does she just opt out of parenting the next day when she goes on these benders?

Half a week isn’t ‘well in advance’ in my book, especially as the OP has booked a babysitter.

I’m not judgemental of people having hangovers, but I do wonder why on earth they do it to themselves. Middle aged hangovers are the absolute pits; I decided I was done with them years ago so I don’t do it to myself any more.

I don't think its unreasonable to block time to allow a hangover recovery, to be honest it's not just about alcohol but also about tiredness and depends on what way her life is generally, is she getting up early with kids etc. I wouldn't book two consecutive nights socialising if one was a late one. So I don't think the issue is the hangover as such but more the double booking. However IMO it's not ok for someone to forget or double book, I know some people do this and they are 'what am I like, I'm so disorganised etc' but this is absolute rubbish. If they can hold down a job they can plan a social life. I say this as someone who is terrible with dates and can easily get a week wrong so I am vigilant with my diary and double check it against messages as soon as I get a reminder because I have filled it incorrectly on occasion. We all find strategies to work for us to function as adults, so she has no excuse.

I remember trying to book a Christmas night out with some friends a few years back, we all had clashes so it was tricky. One friend had vetoed a particular weekend that suited everyone else. It turns out it was because she doesn't like to go out on Fridays and she was visiting Santa on Sunday and wanted to drink a lot on our night out which makes her puffy the next day and she didn't want to look puffy in her Santa photo. I kid you not. Still my friend but I have a lower tolerance of her.

I'd always say get your drinking and shagging in, in your 40's, things change later on.
If you get on well, keep her as an occasional friend and you'll find in your 50's you'll reconnect. Unless you have an abundance of friends.

Well better than her cancelling on the day tbf. I don’t drink and I hate people turning up for things hungover and not enjoying themselves so I’d prefer her method. Doesn’t sound like you really like her anyway

You can surely still head out with the 2 other friends you mention?

"I am going to take the advice here from the posters who said to downgrade plans to casual or group arrangements." I don't blame you OP, but I would also suggest telling her that making arrangements with a friend, then subsequently making arrangements with someone else which means you feel you won't be able to uphold the original arrangement feels disrespectful and is hurtful. I don't see what you have to lose by this approach, you are already "downgrading" the friendship, and what you could gain is the chance for this person to come to the realisation that can act like a bit of a dick towards friends and that they will lose such friends if they continue in this way. You know your friend better than anyone here. You've said she's not a bad/selfish person. Does she need it spelt out to her for her to actually twig what sort of effect her behaviour has on other people?