Friend cancelled for a planned hangover

[Bigbirthdaycomingup]

I feel like I'm living in some parallel universe that perfectly crazy things are being presented as normal.

We are both late 40s and know each other since late teens.

I met up with my friend for a gym workout yesterday. We are chatting as we move around the floor. She tells me she's really enjoying not drinking, knocked it off for the last 8 months and no plans to start again. She tells me about her brother who she is very very worried about; his drinking is out of hand and causing huge problems in his life and the family but he won't seek help.

Ok fine.

As we were leaving I remind my friend that we have longstanding plans for Saturday night that DH and I are looking forward to and have the babysitter booked for.

This same friend can be scatty in her own arrangements but she's not flaky in a 'suit herself' kind of way, she just gets confused with details sometimes arriving to the wrong venue an hour early or even a week early etc. So it's good to remind her of things.

Anyway she very apologetically exclaims she has effed up (again!) but got the dates mixed up and can we reschedule as she's meeting up with a different group and they've tickets booked.

I'm disappointed but not offended or annoyed and say no problem.

Then it turns out the event is actually the Friday before but she is looking forward to 'a few drinks' and expects to be hungover on Saturday.

I'm actually so annoyed about it and wondering is our friendship even compatible at this point in life? I don't drink anymore and am very into fitness. I know we probably wouldn't strike up a friendship now. We met decades ago when we both had party lifestyles but even back then I wouldn't have inconvenienced someone for a hangover.

On top of that - an almost identical situation happened before where she cancelled due to an upcoming boozy lunch the day before.

But given I'd spent an hour chatting around topics like how she doesn't drink anymore (apparently she didn't mean NEVER, 'special occasions are different'), how worried she is about her brother but here she is effing up other people's plans because she can't moderate her drinking to the point she herself is functional a whole 24 hours later.

I decided to speak up and say I wasn't happy with that, it was a crappy way to treat me and DH. She told me I needed to be reasonable?

I don't think I was and that's not really the question.

My AIBU is

Yanbu : Your lives are too different, accept that and either leave the friendship or downgrade it massively

Yabu : she cancelled Saturday night on a Tuesday giving you plenty of time. She knew she wouldn't enjoy it, she's fine, you're dramatic.

Are you this annoying in real life? I never once said I wouldn't still go out given we have a space on our schedule, a babysitter and a restaurant reservation.

Why do you keep posting irrelevant nonsense? "So you're not going at all... Why do you want to go on that night anyway... You're just their taxi driver... You should just want to go with your husband..."

I'll ask again; are you married and do you allow him meet up with other people?

And because you seem to have serious comprehension problems my AIBU is about whether people think a hangover is a valid excuse for cancelling plans.

This is my thinking too.

Thank you, this is so well put. I will definitely take your advice. We left things a little frosty so I'll drop her a message asking can we chat next week. Thanks

Why then accept the invite? (I mean the second invite)

Are you worried about her drinking?

I'm very bored of everyone getting all judgy about drinking so YABU for all that crap.

I suspect she feels like she has to say what she said in the gym to somehow impress you/not get judged?

She is BU for not being able to moderate enough to drink two nights on the trot.

My expectation of the weekend was for me to drive on Saturday and stay out for many drinks to be sunk by the other three.

But she hadn’t drunk for months and no expectation of starting again so why would you have expected this?

I don't know how to answer that - we are all adults, people make their own choices. I wouldn't want to live my life like that, we are all different.

It is so weird that in the space of one gym session she goes from saying she’s loving not drinking and no desire to go back, to then on same gym session saying she’ll have to cancel plans due to hangover expectation.

She either has memory of a fish or not the sharpest tool in the box!

I say nothing about not drinking. I've already explained this. I occasionally answer if asked on a night out what's going on.

If other people not drinking makes you feel judged then that says more about you.

You don’t know how to answer whether you are worried about your friend and whether you think she drinks too much and it is a problem? Ok

Yes it was very bizarre! I had no idea she had stopped drinking before this meetup, she was definitely drinking the last few times we were out in a group. But we hadn't all got together since the beginning of the summer. I did know she was very worried about her brother, it's come up a few times. She definitely started cutting back on the booze a couple of years ago and stopped taking recreational drugs too.

So you haven’t socialised with her for months?

oh sorry, I missed the sarcastic tone in your previous posts.

Yes she drinks a lot. It's her life. I used to drink a lot too and I'm not a hypocrite. If she wants a different life she will pursue it. Maybe she's perfectly happy as she is.

I enjoy the restaurant we had booked, outfit planned, babysitter booked etc.
I think it's normal to be disappointed when something you are looking forward to is cancelled.

are you still going to go?

you haven’t socialised with her for 8 months?

Well she hasn’t drunk a thing for 8 months apparently. And if you’d socialised with her you would know if she was telling porkies
.
i wonder if she was drunk k at the gym… to spend a lot of time telling you how much she was enjoying not drinking and no thoughts of starting up… to, an hour or so later saying she’s was going to have such a heavy drinking session what was caning on

I have many friends, as does she. She was away a lot over the summer. I am extremely busy with other commitments. We have met up in the daytime for walks, coffees and workouts. Sometimes we meet in a big gang (I missed the last two gatherings) but we head out as a foursome once or twice a year and splurge on a really nice restaurant.

Do you meet the same people and do the same things every weekend?

I meet very close friends for dinner and drinks more than once every 8 months. Surprised she hadn’t even mentioned to you that she’d given up once in the last 8 months

She wasn't drunk at the gym. I've definitely seen her drinking in the last eight months. I just took what she was saying at face value, obviously she meant it in a different way "I haven't been drinking as much or as frequently".

Yes I'm still going out. Anymore questions?

Or maybe you'd like to answer my original? Do you think IBU to think this is a crappy reason to cancel?

Not once on a coffee or workout or walk in 8 month did she drop in that she had completely given to booze - bit weird

She tells me she's really enjoying not drinking, knocked it off for the last 8 months and no plans to start again

So you have seen her drinking in the 8 months. Weird

I'd say that's always a fun night out for them, is it?

You need a night out. You really do. Enjoy!!

Yes I have, definitely. But I didn't think to cross examine her statement in the gym, I simply thought oh wow I didn't realise.

I think I’d have burst out laughing if my mate had spent ages telling me how she’d given up drinking and was loving it and no thoughts to return and then 30 mins later cancelling plans because of a massive piss up planned 😆