AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

This is really poor on behalf of your mum. Do you think she may have been coerced into letting SS stay? Is SS like this?

This sounds like a dreadful betrayal of trust. Your mum sounds misguided but I can’t imagine how you’re going to be able to trust her not to do something like this again. No emergency situation could explain this when she knows full well the woman is not welcome in your house. Even if it was an emergency situation she could have contacted you and asked you. Does she not realise you have cameras?

If this is totally out of character for your mum, maybe you should check she’s ok. Was she coerced into doing it? Really odd and hurtful behaviour. Now wonder you’re upset. I would be too 😢

If DH wants to change the locks, you change the locks and suck up the cost. It's his house too and it's not only your trust she's broken.

And she doesn't get to stay again. Once she's got a key she could do it again. Neither you nor DH would want to go away in future not knowing if she would respect the house and you this time.

Disregard the fact that she's not done this before (that you know of) and concentrate on the fact that this time she did.

Yeah this is the thing, if she doesn't usually ride roughshod over your boundaries or disrespect you this is such a wild thing to do. Very strange and completely out of order. I'm guessing she thought you'd never find out?!

I'm sorry OP that this happened, you sound lovely and generous and your mum has taken advantage and then some.

This, she made a choice to deceive you. These people had access to your all your personal possessions including, I imagine, private and confidential paperwork.

Did you even read the OP?

Charge your mum for the new locks!

Wow. That's a huge betrayal. I'm so sorry, this must be so distressing. I think you need to chnage the locks or you will be constantly worried. Did you mum know you have the cameras?

I would be so angry with them all and really hurt by your mum. I’d be interested to see if your mum actually mentions having others stay over when you ask about her stay at yours or if she would continue to lie to you

I would have to move - betrayal multiplied by deceit and violation

I can't even find the words to say how angry i would be. Write to your mum ( then you can have a one sided conversation) and tell her just how hurt and betrayed are that she would abuse your trust in this way. That by allowing your SS into your home has just shown where her priorities lie. Then leave your mother to make contact.
I would never trust her again and certainly wouldn't allow her access to my home.
As for the locks, spend the money and change them or you will never know any peace. you have no idea who now has keys to your home. Pretty sure the insurance company would use it as an excuse not to pay out if.

There is no good reason why she would do this. This would be something I would not be able to forgive.

She's tried to talk to her and her mum is ignoring her which she's doing on purpose as no doubt she knows what OP is going to say

Really sorry this has happened. You sound a lovely kind person and you didn’t deserve to be let down like this. I just don’t know what more to say.

This would be disturbing for you even if you got on with your SS but with some people, this is much worse than others - one of my relatives I wouldn't leave alone in my home for five minutes and in your position, I would feel completely violated. I doubt your husband will feel right until the locks are changed - just do it and let your mum know, she needs to repair this with you if she can. I just can't get my head around what she was thinking!

@WeFoundLove I feel angry on your behalf. I would have been furious. A complete betrayal of trust.

I hope you get an explanation and an apology from your mum as a starting point...

I would change the locks 100%. I couldn’t believe what I was reading totally in shock. I would still speak to my mother but I would never allow her to stay at my home again without myself being there. I would also have to have serious words with her how disappointed I was that she has done this knowing the circumstances.
could rhe person you don’t know be your mums you boyfriend she hasn’t told you about ?
Has she answered your calls yet?

I would phone up the step sister, tell her who you are, and ask her if she enjoyed her stay in your house. Tell her that you have sent her an invoice for the amount of money that she owes you.

Also just wondering how many bedrooms you have? Did they sleep in your bed?

OP has your mum replied or you found out why? Who is the stranger? Does she know about the cameras or will that be news to her?

This would be my first thought. You don't say how old she is, OP, but they may be taking advantage of her. Have you got everything sorted in terms of who is going to help her as she gets older?

My mum sometimes stays at our house whist we are away. Like yours op, she does it for a change of scene. She also has other people to come and stay, which I am fine with, because she always asks first. I would be furious is she brought in someone she knew wasn’t welcome in my home. She just wouldn’t do it. I totally understand your upset.

I would be absolutely livid in this situation and I don’t know if I’d be able to move past it.

It would be a breach of trust if it was people you got along with or knew and she kept it secret however your mum knowing the situation with your SS and inviting a complete stranger is unforgivable in my opinion.

Id be telling her she can pay for the locks to be changed now that strangers have had access to your home and keys.

Check your jewellery box, OP. Make sure all your valuables are still there.