AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

I agree with your husband, that is terrible behaviour from your mum and i would be very angry and upset. She’s broken your trust.

Just as an example, My friend has just discovered that her dad's neighbour has got himself registered as her dad's carer, has keys to the house and is working on getting his hands on the bank account.

That is awful. But why do you hate ss so much

Please update us on your dm defence, op

What would happen if she discovered something missing, tried to get the insurance company to pay out for it, and got told "We're not paying out because you didn't take sufficient care to keep strangers out of your house"?

“how would you feel and react to this?”

I’d be absolutely fuming and give her a piece of my mind about betrayal of trust.

She would absolutely never be allowed to stay in my house again unless I’m there, she’s blown it.

Only you will know the personalities of those involved, OP, but is it possible that your DM mentioned in passing that she was staying at yours this weekend
and then SS went "Oh great we'd love a stay in the countryside" and just steamrolled all her objections?

I'm reminded of a relative of mine who can bamboozle my DM into all sorts just by not taking no for an answer

A dreadful thing for your mother to have done. It would be bad enough even if she had just let people you liked stay there without asking you first. Since you have had no problems with her in the past, though, it does seem very odd. I would definitely want to hear her justification - given that one of the people was your step-sister, whom she knows you dislike, she can’t even say "I didn’t think you would mind", because she must have known you would mind.

Complete breach of trust, I would be furious.

Does your mother know about the cameras? If so, she didn’t even give a shit about you finding out did she?

Then the mum should not allow the steamrolling to happen. She should have said absolutely not, it’s not my house to allow you here. That’s no excuse whatsoever.

From what you say of the family dynamics, I would guess that your SS manipulated your mum into this and is now rubbing her hands at the prospect of the fall-out. I’d change the locks and say nothing until I’d calmed down a bit.

Is it possible she was pressurized into it?

Even letting other people you do know (and like) without your permission is out of order, so I’m wondering what on earth she was thinking.

Presumably you have extra bedding to launder now, when you wouldn’t even have known this was needed had you not watched the video.

Just awful OP, strangers in your home using your stuff and probably nosing around - I'd be apoplectic.

It's also worse when a betrayal involves your Mum when you've previously been close. Mine went to the wedding of a cousin I hated (previously ripped me off for thousands of pounds with botched building work and caused many problems). It felt like a physical punch and sadly our relationship never recovered.

This is such a bizarre breach of trust from your mother, I’d be so hurt by this too. You’re right to change all the locks to ensure your home insurance remains valid. Especially now you’ve posted on here, you can’t be too sure.

This. The first thing I would be checking.
I hope there's not anything missing.
It's a gross invasion of your privacy and breach of your trust by your mum. No wonder she's not returning your calls, she knows she's done wrong.
I'd be interested to hear what she says about it.

I hope you have had chance to speak with your mum OP. I think ignoring your text and call seems an even bigger kick in the teeth under the circumstances. I hope it was just a knee jerk reaction to avoid you because she realised how badly she had behaved and was suitably mortified.

My goodness I am so sorry. This is a huge breach of trust. Its so unfair on you as its a huge lose lose situation for you. You have been kind, your own mother has treated you like shit and now you have a financial cost (of changing the locks) and emotional cost of deciding what to do with one of the most important relationships in your life. There is spontaneously making a bad decision, and there is your mum actively planning on deceiving you. Seriously WTF.
I personally think you need to go quiet and no contact for this one. I think when someone behaves badly they tend to get embarrassed and turn things around to try and make themselves feel better by protecting anger onto the person they have hurt. I think if you have told her how upset you are and how violated you feel her deciding to let these people into your home behind your back, I would tell her you need space to process things and not engage in any back and forth.

I would be so mad, complete breach of trust.

This is not an excuse. She has the opportunity to say no and not open the door.

She doesn’t respect your decision to have nothing to do with SS, she has made it abundantly clear she disapproves of it and wants you to forgive and forget to make her life easier. Allowing or inviting them into your home, your sanctuary behind your back was a big fuck you to you making the decision to cut out your SS from your life. She is revealing her anger that you won’t let her pretend you are all a big happy family by attending any events where SS will be present. She doesn’t respect you have your own mind or boundaries that you uphold so has pissed all over them. She is very vindictive but will play the victim and deflect saying she doesn’t understand why you are so upset on having family staying and you are being unreasonable and deliberately not understand your point of view. She will likely get upset and make you feel guilty and unreasonable.

Move houses after that? A bit of overreaction.

I would be livid.
To add insult injury she left 3 hours before they did and didn't even attempt to ensure the house was cleaned up properly change sheets etc.

There is no justification for this behaviour.

She has prioritised her reaction ship with ss over her relationship with you.

I would be gutted

Really odd thing for your Mum to have done.
Has she stayed at yours before; perhaps done this before( had other people stay at yours without your knowledge??).
Surely she can t know you have cameras.
Have you spoken to her about it yet.?
Is there(can there be? ), any possible reasonable explanation.??So many questions???

It’s just so weird, deceitful and creepy! I can kind of understand some momentary lapses of judgement but this was obviously very planned over days