AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

That's not good. I would be similarly furious. Your mum obviously knows she has been found out. I would stop all future stays and go no, or very low, contact for now. It is a massive betrayal of trust.

Outrageous beach of trust. I know exactly how you feel, I got home from a weekend away to find that the "friend" and professional house sitter who I had paid to look after the house and animals had held a barbecue party at the house inviting all my neighbours and other friends of hers. The dishwasher was rammed to the gunnels with how many plates they'd used and the barbecue drum was still in the garden. I still smart over that one 2 decades later.

I'd have huge problem with forgiving a mother who did what yours has done.

My mum would turn this round on me and have a go at me feeling the need to spy on her

Yes, a common deflection technique from guilty parties. Rather like a cheating man who gets found out when a woman checks his phone - her phone checking then becomes a bigger “sin” than his cheating

What an appalling betrayal from your mum and I’m not sure how I’d come back form that. She would certainly never stay in my home again and it might take a long time before I’d allow her to visit.

I’d screenshot a few images from the cameras and send them to her with just a ‘?.’ Unless your cameras are hidden (which I didn’t think was legal?) maybe she noticed them partway through their stay and that’s why she’s not responding to you because she’s freaking out?

I’d also go through your personal stuff like paperwork, passports, jewellery etc and make sure everything is accounted for.

YANBU at all, but change the barrel of the lock yourself, it’s really easy in most cases. I got a new one from screwfix. Then just get more keys cut

Blimey. So not just someone else. Multiple people and one of them is someone you're NC with?

I wonder why your um would blow up your relationship in this way? Did she think you'd never know? If you really wanted to keep it secret you would be the last person out and leave everything just so, wouldn't you? But she didn't.

Its almost like a massive fuck you. And certainly shows zero respect for your boundaries or privacy.

I would be furious. I’d struggle to recover the relationship from that. Your mum has behaved appallingly.

If my mum did this to me it would be the end of the relationship, I’d send a lengthy message highlighting the wanky behaviour that she’s displayed and then block her full no contact. Cheeky day of bastards it’s honestly unreal I’d go mental.

Is there any possibility that your mum is being coerced or manipulated here? That’s the only possible reason I can think of which would have me feeling slightly less angry.

I’d go to her home for the conversation, if possible, @WeFoundLove . I’d want to see her face while I asked her to explain herself. If there’s no mitigation at all, if she just wanted to play hostess in your home then I would have to tell her that’s the last time I could have her in my home. It’s so fundamental a breach of trust.

That is a massive breach of trust. Making meals and getting in nice things was really kind of you. I am sorry that that good nature has been taken advantage of. I really feel for you.
To have other people to stay is not ok without thinking it past you. Your home is your sanctuary and you are entitled to decide to comes in and out of it, let alone stays.

I wonder what your mum was thinking? It’s disgraceful behaviour.

Check all your paperwork and jewellery etc is accounted for. And definitely change the locks. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

Contacting your bank to let them know you've been burgled and strangers have had access to your account information is a good shout.

Maybe worth trying to find out what kind of hold SS has over her to make her go along with this? It is very, very weird behaviour coming from somebody you previously has no reason to distrust, and I'd be concerned about the possibility of elder abuse.

There is no good reason, I would go no contact with my mother if she did this to me- it's a huge breach of trust.

Wow, what a cheek your mum has. She knows you have no relationship with SS , why would she allow this?

I would be livid, the lack of contact from your mum says it all. Our relationship would be done. No going back.

I have no relationship with a sibling and if my mum did this we would be finished.

This is outrageous. I would be furious too.

Has your Mum been in contact yet, OP?

This is a huge betrayal. I’m really sorry this has happened to you.

I’d ask your mum to pay for the locks to be changed.

Did she know about your cameras?

That's appalling. Even if it's expensive, get all the locks changed. Never let her use your house again. And tell her why. I'd be so angry I'd have to put it all down in writing and send it to her.

Irrespective of whether you mum has been manipulated by your SS or not, you clearly can’t let her stay again. I’d start the conversation by asking if she stayed alone at your house. Her response should be interesting.

I think anyone would be furious with this. It’s a massive breach of trust and privacy. She knew you would never let your SS in, so she took it upon herself to ‘sneak’ her in. I would question if this has happened before?

You are right to change the locks. The likelihood is that your SS, partner and unknown friend don’t have a copy of your key, but you cannot be sure. There is a thread on here at the moment where someone’s teenage DD had a party while they were away and someone else stole a key and came back later and took thousands of pounds worth of valuables and sentimental items. The police and insurance company weren’t being particularly helpful on the last update I read as there was no forced entry as they had a key. Don’t let this happen to you.

Also changing the locks means that you won’t have to ask your DM for the key back and hope she hasn’t copied it.

Your mum has hugely betrayed your trust and I would be absolutely furious and disappointed with her. What on earth was she thinking?!
I’d hound her for an explanation and then I’d distance myself for a bit I think.

Do you know where the others slept?

It sounds like your mother has been manipulated somewhat and that is why she is not returning your calls.

If you do you change the locks then take the opportunity to upgrade your security. Lock cylinders are rated from 0 - 3 stars. 0 star locks can be broken with a screwdriver (google lock snapping) and a 3 star lock is only £30 - £40 from Amazon. As others have said its a fairly easy job to do yourself

This. Her behaviour has been awful, and sadly its obvious you can’t trust her.