AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

This is absolutely outrageous behaviour from your mum, a complete abuse of trust. Only you can decide what the 'punishment' should be.

Also, without wishing to sound gas-lighty, I would consider changing the locks/keys etc. She's violated your trust once, she'll do it again.

Some are making the point saying why would the SS want to go knowing she is not wanted there or liked. That's exactly why! She wants to feel she's getting one over on @WeFoundLove .

I wouldn’t necessarily be angry if she’d had a friend or partner to stay with her. I’d rather she ask or at least mention it, but it’s not a big enough deal to cause an argument over.

Bringing someone she knows you hate into your house is unacceptable. She absolutely knew you wouldn’t agree to it. It’s also a violation of your privacy and possibly a theft risk. I wouldn’t feel comfortable knowing that someone I hated had free access to my belongings and private things.

I am in complete agreement with this. I'm a very private person and this behaviour would have completely violated me.

This is awful, so sorry OP that your mum has betrayed you like this. I would be furious and would deffo be having words with my mum and going nc for a while until I calm down. Might forgive this after a few months but def would never forget and would never allow my mum to stay in my house again.
Change all the locks, give your house a thoroughly deep clean and start looking through personal items to see if anything has been moved or taken

Just echoing what everyone else is saying. I would never forgive this and indeed I think I would completely end any relationship with her. I would never cease being angry.

I’m so angry on your behalf OP. That is so disrespectful on so many levels. The fact it’s your mum is such a painful thing.

If your SS isn’t trustworthy and had dodgy friends then you might want to think about what paperwork they had access to as well. You can put an alert on your property for example to be made aware of any changes in the deeds. May be you can do other things to protect you from ID theft and fraud? Belt and braces.

Yanbu. I'd not be letting her stay again and agree the locks need changing.

Wow. Just wow! That takes some brass neck from your mum. I really hope you can get the locks changed OP, and tell your mum she won’t be welcome in future. Hugs

Thank you for that very helpful information @EskarinaS. It has opened my eyes - and hopefully other Mumsnetter's eyes aswell - to another potential danger to my own home, especially if I were to be away from home for even a few days, or perhaps even for a regular evening outing!

If it is that easy to change some locks, then maybe @WeFoundLove's non invited family members - plus the stranger - could change the locks themselves if they ever decided to behave so atrociously again? Of course, I sincerely hope that those CFs would not snoop quite so low, but if they did, then the police should be called straightaway!

Realistically, and probably much worse than the previous scenario, anyone who lives in a house with a simple locking system will be vunerable to any observant burglers who have noticed when a resident of any particular property is likely to be away for a while? Therefore, if an experienced thief went under the cover of darkness to a chosen house, they could unscrew any simple door locks in order to gain relatively easy access, to any vulnerable homes, and to do so in just a few minutes?

I know it will be expensive, but I now think that we - my husband and I - should invest in a more complex locking system, which, unfortunately, might also mean that we should buy a new door aswell. I don't think that I am over thinking this? Hopefully OP, you already have safer locks on your doors and windows? 🌻

I’d be changing the locks and asking her to pay! Don’t ever give her the keys again.

Huge breach of trust.

Personally I would screen shot the camera footage and then write a letter to your mum enclosing it and saying how extremely disappointed you are in the breach of trust and the impact it will have on your relationship with her.

Then change the locks and grey rock any calls.

That’s awful - have you managed to speak to her about it yet?

“ I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself.”

I have just realised that she lied. Not just omitted to tell you but lied. Unforgivable.

Of all the things I have read on here. I am so sorry. What an invasion of your privacy and a massive breach of your trust. I would simply, never speak to her again but understand you may not feel the same way. Disgusting behaviour.

She has behaved awfully. Never trust her again. Last time she would ever visit my house

I don’t know how you got carry on as normal from I wouldn’t let her stay or come round the house again.

You need to go step further than just changing the locks. Report this as a burglary to police, you have no idea what they’ve has access to or if anything was taken. Your mother and step sister knew you wouldn’t give permission.

As someone said above, your mother will definitely gaslight, minimise, abuse some more.

People need to be a lot more clear headed about abuse. If someone abuses you, it's because they want to. Particularly when it was so carefully planned out.

OPs mother has emotionally betrayed her, humiliated her, opened the OPs home to strangers, destroyed her feeling of safety and comfort in her own home.

Why did her mother do this? It was because she wanted to. She made choices, knowing that it would harm the OP.

So either she cares nothing about the OPs feelings, or she wanted to hurt her, those are the only logical options.

Of course her mother knew, absolutely she knew, what the outcome would be that the OP would be horrified and distressed. But she wanted to do it, so she did.

This is why I have given the OP the advice to absolutely shut her down, ignore her completely, block her on social media. Not another word. Her mother is fully expecting to gaslight the OP into submission now. What she did is, actually, unforgiveable, normal people see that. But she's not planning to try to gain forgiveness - what she did was unforgiveable anyway - she is now just planning to gaslight, DARVO and dismiss.

The only way to punish someone this cruel and deliberately disrespectful is to ignore them, to pretend they simply do not exist. OPs mum is now expecting her daughter to chase her, to be upset, I'd bet a thousand pounds she's planning to call OP a drama queen and gaslight and minimise her till OP doesn't know what way is up.

Don't do what the abuser expects you to do OP. Pull the rug out from under her . Delete her from your life until she comes begging for forgiveness. And if she never does - well, so be it.

I cannot imagine ever having had to treat my mother like this, but my mother was a good, decent, honest, trustworthy woman and though we had our fights she would no more have betrayed me like this than she could have grown wings and flown to the moon.

Your mother is not good, decent, honest or trustworthy. She should be treated as such.

No its not that easy to change the locks by someone else. The door has to be open first, and then the plate on the narrow part of the door is unscrewed before you can release the lock barrel.

That is outrageous behaviour and really quite unforgivable so I’d never met your DM stay again.

You say you have cameras outside so are these easily visible? If they are it’s a wonder they didn’t consider that you might see them.

Wow that's so bad. Clearly your mum also knows it's so bad, hence the lack of contact, which in itself is also really bad.

She probably didn’t think the OP would have reason to watch the footage back. My mum would turn this round on me and have a go at me feeling the need to spy on her

How do you know things haven’t been stolen? You’ve had strangers in your house for days. You might not even notice what’s gone for weeks. I’d feel sick to the stomach.

I would be absolutely furious in your situation. What a terrible thing to do behind your back.