AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

How old is your mum? Assume this is totally out of character for her to behave like this and disrespect your home and family. Sometimes older people are bullied and abused by their children to meet their needs, lending money they can't afford, releasing equity from their houses to pay off their children's debts and even agreeing to go on joint family holidays, then being expected to pay for the full total amount AND provide spending money whilst away. Is it at all possible that your stepsister, her partner and their friend discovered your mum was going to yours and then arrived unannounced, demanding to stay and wouldn't take no for an answer ?? There is no way anyone would consider this acceptable behaviour from your own mother, especially bearing in mind you do not get on with your stepsister, and one other person was a stranger! This is more like what older teenagers do when left home alone whilst parents are on holiday and they invite their mates to stay. (Though equally unacceptable). Her lack of contact with you implies your mum knows she was in the wrong and probably feels terrible about it, but you really need a one to one face to face conversation to gently prise out what really happened before destroying your previously positive relationship.

What awful behaviour from your sly mother, and I'm just wondering if these people she brought into your home actually paid her something to stay there? It's quite possible. In any case, she has shown that she doesn't consider your feelings at all. Tell her to get lost.

It,"'s a bit of a weird way to behave. She obviously
knows that you found out . I think you shoulld go and see her on your own and ask her what on earth she thought she was doing. Is there any chance they just turned up and put her in a difficult position and she was too weak or hncomfortable to tell them to go ?

Change the locks. Massive breach of trust that you can never recover from. Your mum actually lied to you about someone she knows you hate. Not only that some other random came into YOUR home and sanctuary. I would be checking jewellery and other precious belongings being “lifted”.

Honestly, if I had that happen to
me. I’d sever all ties with mother.

the mother clearly prefers the step-sister over you, and cackled that she would sort it.

Can't you just make sure she doesn't have the key to the house, no spare one, none?

I'd feel betrayed, disrespected, lied to. I don't think my relationship would ever be the same with my Mum. It's too much...

Trouble is they don’t know what the step sister and the other people have been up to in their absence and they could easily have picked up a spare key!

I'd be absolutely raging. Change the locks. Ask your mum to pay up. Refuse to see her until she does, along with a grovelling apology. The level of disrespect she must have for you is off the scale.

It’s almost irrelevant that you happen to not like your SS. Even if it was people you do like they shouldn’t not have stayed without you knowing.

Sorry if this is already been asked @WeFoundLove , but did she know you have cameras inside and out? If she did then it’s mind-boggling that she would do this so brazenly knowing that you would see what’s going on. If she didn’t, then she was clearly expecting to get away with it without you knowing.

Sadly you cant choose your family.

Like others have said this is far from acceptable, a hiuge breach of trust. Not sure your mum can recover the rekationship now.

The relatives you dont get on with have beef with you pls check everything is in place and nothing is broken or lost too.

Had your mum replied yet?

That’s really messed up. Why would she do that?

where does everyone live? Are some near you and some further away? Is there a functional reason why she might do this? Eg Step Sister lives a long way away and there’s no room in your mum’s house for them to visit?

Your mother has behaved appallingly, I would feel the same as you and your husband do. There is absolutely no excuse or explanation I would accept, and unfortunately it will fracture the relationship you have with your mother. Absolutely changed the locks. It would feel to me like a home invasion but sadly you already know the perpetrators.

I'm really hoping for an update, tbh, I never normally get invested in threads on this site or anywhere really, but this was so appalling I really want to know they've all got some sort of comeuppance.

You would definitely have called the police for any other trespasser and I really hope you have reported them for trespass and theft. As I explained in an earlier comment, it is actually criminal trespass because your mother was not given any legal right to bring the trespassers into your home, and because it can very easily be shown that they knew they would not be welcome in your home. When you are criminally trespassing in someone's home and you then steal their things (food, wine, soap, whatever they used/ate) it now becomes burglary as well.

Check any money or jewellery you may have left lying around, as they are certainly capable of petty theft while trespassing in your home against your wishes.

When talking to the police, push the fact that they stole from you and they trespassed in your home hard. Don't let them try to make it a civil matter. These people are trespassers. They are criminals. Please deal with them as such.

Please do report this to the police. They are no more trustworthy than any other burglar, and possibly less so given your stepsister malevolently chose to invade your home, she did this to cause you harm, knowing she was not welcome there. Imagine the sort of person she must be, and what else she might be capable of.

You should, as others have said, also ditch any sex toys or toothbrushes. They are capable of criminal trespass and violated your home, so they are definitely capable of more.

As people have noted, you need to change your wifi password, check in case they have left hidden cameras or recording devices, change all your bank passwords etc. And yes, of course change the locks.

You should have your entire home deep cleaned, it might make you feel a bit better. You can send the bill to your mother if you like, though she won't pay it. She's proven her worth, and I am so sorry to say she is not worth much.

Please protect your husband, your home and yourself from these arseholes going forward. Treat them as you would any other criminal who invaded your home.

Good luck.

The criminal aspect of trespass depends completely on mens rea - i.e. what OP's mother, step sister, partner and random friend believed when they entered the house and used OP's stuff. Despite the bad blood between OP and the step sister, it would be impossible to show beyond a reasonable doubt that they didn't believe OP's mother had permission to invite them in to use everything. It would even be difficult to prove that OP's mum didn't know this was definitely not okay unless OP has messaging with her that spells it out - you can come, mum, but don't bring anyone else, or at least, not my step sister or any of her cronies...

Focusing on this as a criminal action is a hiding to nothing. Of course the police won't act. And while OP may be really angry with her mum, it's quite another thing to stick the police on her.

It is absolutely, definitively and irrefutably worth pursuing with the police. No question at all. If they say no, they say no. You have not the tiniest, faintest idea whether the police will choose to pursue it or not and yes they very well might.

They are criminals, their mother assisted them in criminal trespass and they all deserve to be treated as such, and if OP can even manage to get the police to make a visit or a phone call it will have been worth it just to take the smug smile off their trespassing faces.

It's very upsetting that your mom didn't tell you, of course. I would very much feel the need to have a frank and honest conversation with my mom about this and try to understand why she decided to do it. I'd expect it to be an upsetting conversation on both sides probably, but hopefully to understand each other better by the end of it. I would want her to understand and recognise why I felt very hurt by it, and would hope for an apology. But also, I guess, I would have to be willing to properly listen to her explanation of why she felt this was a valid thing to do.

It sounds like you love your mom and your relationship has been very good up to this point. So hopefully it will be possible to find a way through this without it being irreparably damaged.

Re changing the locks, you sound very set on this and you know the situation best - I would just say, are you 100% sure the threat from these people is genuine? I can imagine feeling like doing this almost to make a gesture of how strongly you feel - but in fact it will only put you to expense and inconvenience..... But maybe it is necessary - there are a small number of people I would feel the same about if they potentially had my keys. Not many, but a few.

I'd also counsel a bit of caution in terms of some of the responses on here. I guess the beauty of an internet forum is that you get all kinds of views and perspectives, and that's great. But I just wonder whether some of them will cause you unnecessary anxiety.

Perhaps PP's are right, and your SIL stayed as an actual of pure malevolence, used your sex toys, planted cameras etc. But it's more likely that she just wanted a free stay in a nice place, and your mom invited her so she went.

No offence to any posters - we all have our opinions - but I do think that the anonymity of an internet forum tends to encourage people to advise extreme or strong reactions to things. Whereas in reality, ones mental health is often better served by taking a few breaths and trying to think things through calmly, and work through then calmly, if you can.

While you are obviously and understandably going to be very upset with your mother, it hopefully isn't essential to cut her off, or anything extreme like that.

Good luck, I hope you find a way to feel OK about it in time.

I would change the locks, present your mum with the bill and never let her stay in your house again. HUGE breach of trust, even without the fact that you don’t get on with your SS. I would struggle to get past this.

Would love an update

Wow. It appears like your mum
deliberately deceived you op. That’s unforgivable behaviour!

How old is she? You don’t think there is any possibility she has been coerced by your ss, if your ss is a wrong ‘un I mean?

If not, I have no idea how your relationship can recover from this as it’s such a breach of trust.

It is disgusting behaviour by your mother. Competitor abusing your trust. Let her know never again. Trust takes years to build and is lost in a day

It would absolutely, definitively and irrefutably be a complete waste of time.

Well, no, you know your response is nonsnese and I know it is nonsense. It's what you wish were true, but it is not true.

There's no reason at all for you to get this bizarrely fixated over someone else's fair, considered opinion. No need for this level of obsession when someone disagrees with you.

Think what you want, tell someone else about it. Cheers.

Well, we do know her mum keeps trying to push past OPs boundaries with her loathed stepsister - "but she knows I hate my SS" and "I know she would like everyone to get on, she invites us to family things but we never go of SS is going" so aside from not accepting OPs non contact with her step sister and her mum asking her for the favour of staying at her home and OP very kindly agreeing and making her comfortable, there's actually very little information about their relationship beyond the OP saying she would have trusted her up until now.

And, after all, being able to trust your mum not to bring trespassers into your home is bog standard, a relative not invading your home and bringing people you loathe in to help themselves to your things is the most basic level of respect.

So I don't actually agree that it sounds like she has had a great relationship with her mother till now, there's far too little information.

In fact, I'd say that's pretty unlikely given how dreadfully her mother has abused her trust, humiliated her, ruined her peace and safety in her own home, not to mention destroyed her husband's feelings of peace and safety.

And the only valid explanation for someone bringing trespassers you loathe into your home behind your back is if her mother was somehow threatened or forced by them. Anything else is not valid.