AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

@WeFoundLove. You might be pleasantly surprised at the cost of changing your locks. I had two doors changed with multiple keys and it was less than a hundred.

Bloody hell.

I hope that your friend reports this to the police as elder abuse.

I had a widowed aunt who was childless, but had nieces staying nearby. One of my cousins had POA for her and would organise hospital appointments and so on for her.

When Aunty died, her neighbour came out the house ranting at my cousin. He'd just discovered (I'm not sure how ) that Aunty had not left her house to him.

Apparently, he'd given her a few lifts to shops and had expected her house in return because another neighbour under similar circumstances had left her house to him! (He couldn't have given her many lifts - Aunty had driven for many years and her nieces had taken her to all her hospital appointments.)

In actual fact, the bulk of the estate had been left to the nieces who had lived closest and had looked after Aunty. (She left a nominal amount to the rest of the family; nothing to the outraged neighbour. TBH, the rest of the family hadn't expected anything. We all loved Aunty and knew that she loved us, but the nieces who lived in the same town were like daughters to her.)

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with such a stressful and upsetting situation OP. It’s bad enough that 4 other people were staying in your house without your knowledge but the fact that your mum knows about the situation with your step sister and still thought it was ok for her to stay is just unbelievable to be honest.

I have no words for your step sister either. Who does that? Who stays at a house of someone they don’t get on with and who avoids meeting them? Totally shameless.

I understand why you want to change the locks, the last thing you need on top of all of this is worrying about these ‘guests’ making copies of your keys.

Wishing you all the best going forward.

Buy them and do them yourself and it's less than 10

It strikes me that they wanted you to find out - not only the cameras, which tend to be easy to spot, but leaving the place as they did. Its not clear yet if your mum planned it but it seems possible, though it might be that SS invited herself once she knew your mum was going to stay there. Thats so difficult, I'm not sure what I would do myself, though I can see why you would change the locks. I would definitely be extremely upset and it seems odd that your mum isn't responding.

This is horrible. Mine used to stay at ours to look after our dog. She was keen to do it. She was also keen to have her lover to stay, it turned out. She did tell me herself, after the fact. She thought it was a perfectly reasonable thing to do. The thing that got me most about your post was your mother leaving first and leaving people she knows you do not like alone in your home for several hours.

I'd feel exactly the same as you and your DH about this, what a horrific breach of your trust.

Obviously no idea why you dislike your SS so much, but I will die on the hill that step"family" are not family unless you want them to be; so to be forced to have any sort of relationship is just awful behaviour by your mum.

I hope you can find a way through this if you do want to continue to have your mum in your life, but YANBU to make very clear just how much this has upset you and to expect her to understand and appreciate the hurt she has caused.

You are very upset OP, but I hope you can come back on here and let us know how you tackled this with your mother, There are a lot of us on here outraged on your behalf and hoping you can feel better eventually🌸. Take care.

Hope you changed your bed? Assuming they would have enjoyed making it their own :-(

I wouldn't have people in my home for this reason, like the breech of trust and boundaries. I need to know my bedroom is clean and untouched. Prob sound mad but its so important to me.

Has the OP abandoned this? I am suspicious of interesting threads with vanishing OPs

It's Saturday. Maybe OP has a life!

Yep. Change the locks on all doors.

It's really weird your mum did that knowing everything. Is there any chance your SS and partner might've pressured your mum?

Some people may think this is OTT but I would be soooo absolutely fuming that I would never speak to my mum again if she did this to me. This is absolutely diabolical behaviour!!

I'm thinking mum might've been pressured by step sister and partner, into letting them stay.

She obviously cares more about step sister and partner than her daughter. I just can’t think of a scenario where this would be okay or even an excuse that the mum could come up with. I would love to know what mum had to say for herself.

But OP said SS is not very nice. If mum is easily manipulated SS might've bullied her a bit into having her and friends stay. It just seems too weird for a mum to do that otherwise

You are not over-reacting at all and the trust would be gone.

I know it will cost to get the locks changed but I feel it wise in the circumstances.

Some folks are beyond cheeky.

I’m sorry your mum is one of them.

And if your mum was pressured then that is awful. But tell her this won’t be on offer any more so that she will never be put in that position again.

I would be livid. Has she not responded to you yet?

Wondering if your mum has been minimizing, not agreeing with or not understanding your issue with the step sister? Did she support you at the time it happened or after?
Regardless, she should've respected your home and your feelings. She clearly didnt want you finding out, else she would have asked ir said something, which makes it even more diabolical.

Your mother has utterly abused your trust. I'd be wondering why she was so keen on gaining access to your home for your step sister and her friends. Have you managed to speak to her today and find out?

I would hate that too

I can't believe she invited other people to stay, especially those who you don't like and wouldn't invite yourself. And the fact that she left before them compounds the insult. I might not have minded if she had brought an old friend along for a night and I doubt you would have minded either, but this is a whole other level of cheekyfuckery !

She’s broken your trust, and not only did she invite them, she then left them in your house when she left.
id be changing the locks and telling her she will be billed for it!
she knows you don’t like this person and then not only invites them to your home, but has them sleep in your beds and then, leaves them there on the last day!
nope, there’s no coming back from this, and she knows it, that’s why she’s not answering.
i would advise that you have cameras through out the house which were on, even in the bedrooms, you’d only turned the one off that she was meant to be sleeping in, and is there anything you need to know before you go through them.
disgusting behaviour to be fair, she’d never be welcome again.

I would be furious at this, to bring people she knows wouldn’t be welcome is such a betrayal!