AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

You have called her and text her and she is not responding. If she is anything like my Dad and the step family he has inflicted on me, she will on some level think you are in the wrong for not getting along with your SS and having them use your house as an AirB&B. You are the one rocking the boat.

She doesn't know what to say. She is not apologetic, or embarrassed because YOU not playing happy families causes her discomfort. You are in the wrong in her eyes.

By now she realises you know, and she has no explanation - see above theory!
I'd just leave it now. I wouldn't call her or text her and let her come back to you. She is in the wrong. Also, I would insist that she pays for cleaning and the locks changed. If you are an AirB&B then you should charge accordingly.

I would be absolutely livid, OP. I'm sorry this happened to you because it's your mum. She used your house like an airbnb for a nice holiday in the countryside with her other child. I would be so so hurt. I'd change the locks and not let her stay there alone ever again.

Thats my thought. If the SS is really bitchy, or just wants to feel "superior in her brain", she might take clothing, perfume, shoes, a purse, wallet, jewelry, an heirloom item, a knick-nack, really anything. Just to feel "one up" on the OP. And the stranger and loser could have done quite a bit, looking for seldom used things that they figure won't be noticed. Meds, tools, anything that can be pawned. BUT, I admit that I am not a very trusting person.

I also worry about the OP and her DH's financial security. Though I hope they had nothing in the house that could be damaging in that way, it would be rare. Laptops, Ipads, old phones not wiped, birth certificates, licenses, passports, home deed, car title, utility bills, credit bills/statements, unused cards, wills, pension information, banking information, passwords, insurance papers. The list goes on and on.

@WeFoundLove I hope you do look closely at everything and make sure you and your DH are secure and have nothing missing.

The whole episode is appalling. Not only did the mother invite the step sister in but also an unknown person.
And left them alone in the property!
I really don't know how I would have handled this.
Unforgivable.

Wow. 99% of MN agree. Your DM is borderline criminal. You should go low or no contact. Your DH agrees.

I could see my DM doing exactly this in her day. Daughters were expected to put up and shut up. Cue many rows, a depressed adolescence. My DM is 91 now, with dementia in a NH. For the last few decades there's a lot of FOG in my feelings towards her.
I've no particular advice but you don't know all the background - I'd try to let it go.

I'd also be suspicious of a DH encouraging a wedge between you and someone close. My STBXBiL did that. My DS has less of her village now.

Your mother completely violated your husbands home too.
This isn't just about the OP being upset.

If an OP put up a thread about an MIL doing this to her home, I would be posting she should never be allowed near your home again.

In this instant your husband has every right to be very very upset.

This is awful, is it out of character for your mum? She knows she is in the wrong by avoiding you. The trust is gone, your mum betrayed you. Never trust her with your house keys again.

Has your mother contacted you yet with an explanation @WeFoundLove

Ilovelurchers
Re changing the locks, you sound very set on this and you know the situation best - I would just say, are you 100% sure the threat from these people is genuine? I can imagine feeling like doing this almost to make a gesture of how strongly you feel - but in fact it will only put you to expense and inconvenience..... But maybe it is necessary - there are a small number of people I would feel the same about if they potentially had my keys. Not many, but a few.

The situation here is that one person OP and her husband neither like nor trust, that person's partner whom they also do not trust (possibly trust even less than the first), and one person who is presumably a friend of the two people whom they do not trust but whom they do not know at all, have all had access to the keys and plenty of time to get to get a copy or copies made, or may even have pocketed a spare for one of the doors, whose absence OP and her husband have not yet discovered. (We have three or possibly four or even more keys to each door, what with extras cut for visitors and our children who have left home and may or may not have left their keys behind, and if one of the ones we do not use ourselves were no longer there we might well not notice its absence immediately.)

In these circumstances it would be foolish to trust that three people, two of whom dislike them and one of whom they do not know at all, and all three of whom have not apparently hesitated to walk into their house without their permission and treat it as if it belonged to the three of them and not to its actual owners, have no malicious intent towards OP and her husband. Changing the locks is not a disproportionate response to the possibility that the intruders, who have behaved badly in the past, may behave badly in the future as well.

Have you had any response from your Mum yet?

But it's OP's DH's home too that has been invaded by these unwanted and uninvited guests. OP's mum deliberately and secretly opened up OP's and her husband's home to relatives that OP has gone 'no contact' with and to complete strangers and she actually left these people alone in OP's home after she went home earlier than them.

There's an added feeling of betrayal for OP because it's own her mum that's done this but it's still a complete violation of OP's and her husband's boundaries. There is absolutely no way that OP should just 'let this go'.

You’re not being unreasonable. Your mum made a major error or judgement. BUT shes your mum and you need to weigh this against your lifelong relationship (we all make mistakes) and until now you’ve had a great relationship. So think about what outcome you want. Presumably an acknowledgment of your feelings, possibly lock changes paid for and assurance a breach of trust won’t ever happen again. I suspect she knows she’s done wrong and is trying to avoid facing up to it. I’d want to know how it even happened. Did SS exert pressure to stay and in the moment she didn’t know how to handle it? Why did she leave first? Is something else going on? Short term you are understandably upset. Long term - what do you want to happen? Best of luck.

If the mum left before the others and the OP arrived home to locked doors, then the others absolutely had a set of keys to lock up with. And they may still have them. Even if they're not master criminals, OP doesn't want them coming for another stay next time they hear she's gone away. She can't not change the locks if she wants to ensure they don't have access.

Did your mother not know you had cameras in the house and you would know that she lied about who was staying in your house? 😡

I repeat, do not get your mum to pay for the locks. She already has the mind set that what is family's is open to use by family, and if she has paid for something that will be reinforced. She could visit, and copy a spare and think its her right.

The OP isn't going to come back dudes.

This thread is interesting because every time it shows up in Notifications it tells
me there are three new posts, but when I open it there is only one new post.

Please keep on posting here, I want to see how long it will keep on doing it for!

Oh, and it has also started to mess about with the line-lengths in my posts.

Sorry, busy and crappy weekend.

My mum called me yesterday and was shocked that I knew she had invited other people and tried to turn it into us spying on her with cameras. She said she didn’t know there was cameras which is a lie, but not the point anyway. She had no real explanation as to why she brought the others with her other than they all wanted a break and thought it would be fine. I told her how upset and betrayed we feel and she did apologise but I think she thinks I’m overreacting. She said very little really. I told her we had changed the locks and that I want time to think so asked her to leave us alone. At the moment I don’t want to see her and I can’t see how I can ever trust her again.

What a crappy response from your mum. Proves she knew she was in the wrong and did it anyway. I’d be letting her stew for a while to be honest. I’d not want to see her for sometime and she would never be given a key again. It’s such a violation of your privacy.

She had no real explanation as to why she brought the others with her other than they all wanted a break and thought it would be fine.

If she thought it would be fine and was no big deal why didn't she just tell you? She hid it from you because she knew damn well you and your dh would hate them being there.

What would kill me is she didn't even make sure she was the last one to leave the house.

I think giving her a bit of space for a while is probably a good idea.

So her justification is that she didn't know you had cameras?

She's saying your overreacting and your spying because she's knows she's been caught out - easier to come out fighting then admit her behaviour was crappy.

Someone further up the thread mentioned DARVO, and they were right!

Honestly OP I feel very sorry for you of course, but i feel so sorry for your husband.
This is horrendous behaviour.
Don't ever force him to have her in your home again.
If you need to continue to see her, do the decent thing and do it outside your home, separately.