AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

That's outrageous behaviour by your mum.

Definitely get all the locks changed

How are things today OP? Did your Mum get back to you?

How would I feel? Fucking furious! And yes, change all the locks, that's a necessity.

I can't even imagine how speaking to her could begin.

At first I thought you were being a bit unreasonable not allowing your mum to have company, but the fact it was someone you are NC with is absolutely atrocious! And also, your SS should never have gone there, I’m NC with my DB and would never step foot in his house.

OMG! Under no circumstances is this normal. You are right to change the locks. I’m sorry that this has happened to you - you must feel betrayed by your own Mum.

This is horrendous. What an absolute breach of trust. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I can imagine just how awful you must be feeling. What an invasion of privacy. I think you would be entitled to bill them for their ‘holiday’ (not sure how you’d really make them pay) but they owe you for time in a holiday cottage/countryside holiday destination so they owe you for a deep clean of the house, washing all the bedding, and changing the locks. Hopefully when you issue them with a bill - and also go direct to your SS with this - they will have a wake up call that what they did was at least entirely unacceptable. And then it looks like you’ll be no contact. I don’t know how your mum can make amends for this tbh. I would feel so violated having strangers and unwelcome guests in my home.

Sorry this has happened to you, OP.

I don’t buy the coercion hypothesis. Occam’s razor - she chose to do it.

This means that she chose to ask you if she could stay, chose to let others in without asking or telling you, chose to do this with people you loathe and a complete stranger (!), chose to let them use your home for several days and leave a mess, chose to leave several hours earlier than them, chose to leave them there alone and chose not to return your calls. In other words, many, many opportunities to say no, stop it happening, do the right thing, call you.

And completely agree with PPs who have pointed out the invasion of privacy and trust DH, too.

Wow, your mum is terrible! Inviting randoms into your home, WTF.

Change the locks and send her the bill.

...and chose to get them a set of keys to lock up with. It's despicable.

I would be furious and have it out with her. She also would not be staying in my house without me being there again.

Wow! This is awful on so many levels.
The obvious betrayal of trust by your mum is staggering.
Im.trying to fathom which is worse.....the stranger in your home or the person you hate and are no contact with.
This is just an all round shit show.

I cannot think of any valid reason for tour mum to do this.

She knows she's done something awful - why else would she avoid your phone calls?

We used to spend a few days in a friend's house in the summer holidays, she liked our staying, it apparently was much tidier than when she left and OH would do niggling jobs if she asked!

Your Mum is totally outrageous, she should at the very least have stayed until the others were ready to leave to ensure they'd cleaned up their mess!

this is awful.

I can’t imagine what explanation your mum would have for this but I wouldn’t be able to forgive this easily.

I think changing the locks is wise. You won't feel comfortable otherwise. What has your mum said to explain?

Of course YANBU that’s hideous!!

Draw your boundaries. If it were me, she's never going to have access to my home ever again. Mum or no mum, she lost my trust. I'd also change the locks.

And I would not bother calling her. Let her call me...and I'd ask what she was thinking, and let her know the consequences.

But that's me and the history with my Mum.

I would be equally upset by this. It’s a breach of trust. I have someone I don’t get on well with in my family and if I found out they had been invited into my house by a family member I would be livid and the trust would be gone.

Your mum is a bitch.

I agree with you . I would never let your mum come to stay in your house again, I would never trust her.

@WeFoundLove Hey mum, the house wasn't as you usually leave it when we got back so we think someone must have broken in. We have reported it to the police and they are coming tomorrow to take finger prints. No need to return our keys, as we are having all the locks changed on the insurance. It's most peculiar because we can't see any signs of forced entry.

Like others have said this is a huge breach of trust. What is your mum's personality like? Is she susceptible to coercion or blackmail?

That's the only acceptable reason I can think of!

@WeFoundLove it honestly beggars belief.
I would be beyond furious. What disrespect and blatant invasion of your privacy.
Please do update us when your DM eventually gives an account of herself.

Is there a back story? Has your mum let you down before? What has she said? Locks changed and minimal contact until she apologises.

I'd be furious, as the saying goes - 'once someone shows you who they are believe them'. Also to ignore you and not face up to it, how disrespectful of your mother. Also if i didnt get along with someone, i most certainly would not stay in their home.