AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

@WeFoundLove Have you managed to speak to your Mum yet, to see why she felt it was acceptable to let them stay in your house? It must have been such a shock that someone you love and trust did this to you and your husband.

I would not let your Mum stay at your house while you are away ever again. I hope with a little time and distance that you can find a way to keep the relationship with your Mum going and not feel you have to go no contact, but it's going to be hard to trust her again.

In your circumstances I would totally change all the locks.

This would be bad enough if you knew and liked everyone she brought in. It would break my heart if my mum did this, I'm so sorry.

I would be half wondering if she wasn’t blackmailed / kidnapped / coerced and her earlier departure was her escape?

I know you mean well, but we all need to stop bending over backwards to find excuses for the things abusive people do. If the above was true, the mum could have phoned police about the intruders after she "escaped" but she didn't because the scenario is bullshit.

Same with posters saying "check dementia". People with dementia don't go from totally fine to totally doolally overnight. Even if the mum did have inset of dementia, she'd still be fully compos mentis most of the time so her avoiding OP now makes no sense on that context, neither would she have miraculously forgotten an entire week of visitors she invited into OP house and the preceding preparations for that. It's not bloody dementia.

It's abusive behaviour. Because nobody who isn't abusive with a a massive sense of entitlement would ever dream of doing something like this to their own child. If it was innocent OP would have been informed at some point that SS+ were staying (even though it should be "ask" not "inform" but that's what entitled people do).

There wasn't an emergency with SS either. If there was, mum could have paid for a hotel or air b&b with the money she'd saved by getting her own holiday free by staying with OP. Oh yeh, she also has her own empty house that she's not staying in because she's at OP place so she could have lent that out as somewhere to stay in an emergency. It's total nonsense, there was no emergency.

Honestly people, stop doing mental gymnastics trying to find some cock and bull story that explains this behaviour as any kind of alright, because it isn't. It's a betrayal pure and simple.

This is such a betrayal @WeFoundLove if you never had cameras you’d probably not have felt sure enough to ask and might never have found out. Not only would I be shocked and angry - I’d be very hurt, especially as they let in people who they knew you’d never welcome.

She lied.

Of course she wasn't kidnapped/blackmailed. That is competely nuts. She was just behaving like a massive twat.

Total betrayal of your trust. I’d be so upset

As everyone else has said a massive breach of trust. What is even worse is your mother left the house 3 hours before the others. That would be the final straw. It's contemptuous.
They were alone in your house knowing how you feel about them. If they arrived with your mother how did both groups leave? Driving or public transport? How did they secure the house on leaving?

Yes. I mean, she saw her mum (on the camera) leaving a few hours before the trespassers.

I would love for there to be a "reason", because otherwise the relationship is pretty much ruined, forever.

Perhaps her mum did it to punish her for maintaining her boundaries with her stepsister.

Yes I agree, don't act in a predictable way here.

I'd just say you were surprised the house was so untidy and is she ok. The very best way to react here is to pretend you don't know. But do change the locks.

And then when your mum asks about the locks you say "oh we saw on the camera that there were undesirables hanging around so thought it was best". Point made.

This is awful OP. And, unfortunately, I think it is one of those things that are going to feel worse the more you realise what happened. The idea that people who don't like you, whom you don't like or are strangers having unfettered access to your home, your private belongings, your most intimate space - it is actually horrific.

I would change the locks, put a stop on my credit, check small belongings like jewellery, change toothbrushes, wash all sheets/towels etc. Your mother should never be in your home again or have a key.

I would not go no contact for this - I would with someone other than my mum - would just drop them, but I wouldn't with my mother - if she was otherwise a decent mother growing up. But I would never trust her the same way again.

I wonder what the hell was going on with her. Did she seriously not realise how awful this was? The only other 2 explanations I can come up with (not that they help) is she is being manipulated by your stepsister and is somehow afraid of her or she is obsessed with curing the rift between you and step sister and somehow thought inviting her into your home would help - I know that sounds bizarre but it feels like something my mum would have done. Years ago my sister fell out with me. At one point I was visiting mum and she called up - she was viscious to me - never experienced anything like it. my mum hid in the kitchen because she was so scary (admitted this). I was really really upset. My dh sent me expensive and beautiful flowers after talking to me. I left mums to go home 2 days later - leaving the flowers as was going by plane. Mum called me the next day saying "Oh I gave the flowers to your sister". Like what???

That is irrelevant to this event. It's literally none of your business either. OP said they had a falling out and are NC. Why are you acting like OP was the cause of this and is being unreasonable?

I’d probably leave it. You can’t change the past but you can make different decisions in the future. If she asks again I’d probably say no and explain why. You’ll be less angry.

She would never set foot in my house ever again.

And it wasn't just her daughter she disrespected but her son in law too.
Wonder ifvshe is one of those women who put their new family over their existing children too.

I was thinking of thebtooth brushes too, since these sound like nasty people. Hopefully OP took them on holiday with them.

The problem is how do you know they weren’t in fact wearing your knickers, or your other clothes, or using your makeup etc?
The OP either does not know, or does know and dislikes, these people. Her mum’s judgement does not seem very sound at all.

I can’t wait to hear what this woman has to say for herself. Who the hell even thinks of inviting people over to stay when it’s something that you know wouldn’t ever happen in a million years if @WeFoundLove was in/at home.

i don’t see the relationship between mother and dd surviving this. I’d never trust her again.

i know changing the locks is extreme, but I think it’s essential for your peace of mind @WeFoundLove

you can just replace the barrels

and it goes without saying, that she never stays in your home again, and that you tell her this and why.

in so sorry this happened to you.

Sadly because that’s the way it always goes… you fall out, it’s terminal and because you’re setting boundaries, you’re the one m
”making a fuss”, being unreasonable. Just because you’re not going along with tolerating bad treatment to make others feel better, or to prevent others having to address the fact that they’re badly behaved or indeed terrible people.

you become a square hole where the round peg you’ve been conditioned to accommodate, no longer fits.

This is awful- your mum has betrayed you in your own home, your safe space.

she knew what she doing was wrong which is why she didn’t mention it to you.

unfortunately this will change your relationship with her, I think changing locks will give you and your partner peace of mind and in the future I would never let her stay.

That’s beside the point . I always let someone stay at mine to look after animals and plants.

I would feel utterly betrayed at her giving a stranger and person she knows you are NC with access to your most private space. Change locks, bank cards, check computer, jewellery etc, clean everything. I would have absolutely nothing to do with her. She has shown her abusive true nature and I would never be able to trust her again.

Oh I can't even imagine the rage this would give me. I think I would actually combust. I'd give the sister a piece of my mind too.

I would change the locks and block your mum so she has to come in person to speak to you. Then tell her she’s not welcome in your house ever again

send your mum a bill for everything that has been used by them / stolen and tell her if it’s not paid that you will be reporting to the police