AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

A truly awful breach of trust. As a previous poster suggested, I would bill your mother for the cost of changing the locks.

Thinking of the person you don’t know at all who stayed, have you swept your home for spy ware? Some (men) get off on voyeurism via tiny hidden cameras in places like smoke alarms and bathroom fans. ( v cheap to buy such wireless kit these days, unfortunately).

This would infuriate me - definitely change the locks and take some space from your mum until you have decided what kind of relationship you want going forward.

That's a good point. Anything could have happened.

Oh, God, yes this is definitely a concern. Her stepsister hates her, and deliberately helped herself to her home, and brought her boyfriend (who OP says is a loser) and some random trespasser with her to really put the boot in.

With people who behave this unethically, you just don't know what else they might get up to.

I would be concerned that she hasn’t responded yet, especially as as far as your messages go you haven’t yet told her you know what she did.

I would be half wondering if she wasn’t blackmailed / kidnapped / coerced and her earlier departure was her escape?

Probably over dramatic but aside from the violation of trust it is all so odd.

Obviously she is wildly in the wrong but she can’t avoid your messages for long, surely?

Are your cameras obvious?

Is she still with SSis father? Call him and say you are back from hol and concerned as she isn’t responding. Without telling him you know what happened.

You read some terrible threads on here.
But this deserves a special place in betrayal hell.
And don’t forget there is a husband here, it’s his home too and these people haven’t given a shit about him, his peace and his belongings. It’s like he’s a ghost.
As for the mother here, what she had done is despicable. The step sister and useless partner are bad enough but then a stranger?
They have had no respect for the home they’ve wanted OP to know they were there, otherwise they’d have left it spotless.
They have wanted her to know, which is even worse.
I would get the locks changed and take every effort to secure my home. Inform whoever you need to.
They will know there were cameras, I’m sure and still didn’t care.
The mother is at the heart of this, I hope she enjoyed her holiday because it’s about to cost her more than money.,

Be very careful how you react, your step sister is devious and manipulative - she is 2 steps ahead on you and I suspect she has done this to alienate you from your mum.
This is the biggest betrayal, but don't be predictable in your response.
Yes change the locks but don't tell her. Also don't react at all. Just brush it off like you don't care - this will annoy step sis more than anything else.
Step sis was trying to land a blow, it will crush her if you act unbothered

So what ate you going to do about it OP, beyond changing the locks? I would certainly never let her stay again but I would find it hard to spend any time with her at all after this. I would ask her what she thought she eas doing, nd did she realise she'd in effect chosen stepsister over her own daughter, and now the relationship between you is irreparably damaged.

I'd be furious. Are there any extenuating circumstances, like could your Mum have onset dementia or similar? Probably not but it's worth ruling stuff out before you go all in. I would change the locks, text her and say she's not welcome in your home anymore as she knows full well you don't get on with SS. Even if you did it's a huge invasion of your privacy and she doesn't get to dictate who comes into your home. You were doing her a nice favour. What's wrong with her?

You've had some very good advice here about changing locks and checking for various forms of home intrusion/interfering with your personal paperwork etc.

Does your mother live alone normally and is she in any way vulnerable as far as you know? If so, is there any possibility that SS has moved in with her in a sort of 'cuckoo' situation and may now be pressurising her not to respond to you? I wonder if there is another family member or close friend near her, who you could ask to do a welfare check on your mum to make sure she did actually get home safely from your house and that she is not in an unsafe situation. It all sounds so odd, and not typical of her usual behaviour, that you may want to check if there is something more going on recently (with your mum's health, or her living situation) that has led to this massive and out of character breach of trust.

I remember a recent podcast or tv prog (?) where a pet sitter used access to the property to steal financial details but also steal things that would not be missed immediately.

Edit: maybe worth thinking what could have been taken. Esp personal info. Treat it as a potential burglary and change account nos etc? (cross posted soz).

Its this case https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c4gy5e0w5xeo?app-referrer=deep-link

I'd love to hear the mother was somehow blackmailed and coerced to be honest - not that I'd wish that on her of course. But it would be a good outcome for OP if there was some genuine reason for this horrible betrayal.

Because the only alternative is that her mum is a bad mother, not a nice person, and she cannot ever be trusted again.

As well as absolutely enraged I'd be just heartbroken to discover my mum took part in a scheme to hurt me.

On that last point, if I were the OP, my answer to any requests for help, or anything, from her mum for the foreseeable future would be 'Ask stepsister'

That doesn't rule out the very real possibility that this was all done to deliberately cause a rift by stepsister. But the mum agreed. Both of them now need to see their actions have consequences.

When you get in touch you need to have a firm talk about boundaries and say she will not be welcome to stay again while you are not there as she overstepped and betrayed your trust. I think changing the locks is an overeaction unless you have reason to believe that these uninvited guests still have a key and are likely to be letting themselves in whenever they fancy. This is your home, not an Airbnb and not for a bunch of strangers or especially someone you don't like to stay in. If she dislikes you as much as you dislike her, who knows what she might have been doing with your stuff?

.

That's just it though, we don't know these people, only that there is bad blood between them and OP, and OP doesn't even know who one of them is. What if they are the types to do childish things just for revenge. Its not unheard of.

I just can’t for the life of me imagine what your step sister was thinking either! In fact all the other adults too! When would you just decide that, yes I’ll stay overnight in my none contact SS’s home! It beggars belief!

Did they walk in with overnight/shopping bags?

I’d be sending the lot of them an invoice for the locks being changed.

I’d also suggest you or your DH calls your SS and gives her a piece of his mind!

This must be so upsetting, especially as you’d gone to so much trouble making sure your DM would be comfortable and well fed! I bet those CF helped themselves to your food too!

And to be weird sorry op. I’d erm throw away any sex toys you have because who knows what these people have done. They have had free access to your entire home even without your mum there knowing you hate them.

What a huge betrayal of trust.

I would send a screen shot of your unwelcome intruders to your mother. No text or explanation needed. Then block her.

Stop panicking the screws are on the inside. Yes squatters could get in by break a window etc and change locks to lock you out but squatting in residential property is a crime now so just call the police, unlikely they'd change locks anyway because a waste of money when they're getting arrested 5 mins later when neighbours call police. Burglars getting in from outside would have to break in not just unscrew a lock, would be pointless having locks if they could be unscrewed from outside.

I think changing the locks is an overeaction unless you have reason to believe that these uninvited guests still have a key and are likely to be letting themselves in whenever they fancy.

Overreaction? Her mom purposefully chose to bring someone OP hates along with her sketchy partner and some fucking rando into OP's home for 5 days. And then left them alone there for hours.

They could have shots of everything OP keeps in her home and all their passwords. This visit was all about stirring up Trouble. These were not well intentioned relatives on a friendly visit to the country. OP and her husband need to protect themselves and the first step of home self protection is deny easy access.

Indeed. Changing locks when trespassers have deliberately violated your privacy is an absolute basic necessity. Anything less is a massive underreaction.

Really sorry that your mum let you down like this, OP. TBH it's the sort of thing my mother might do. She doesn't seem to respect any boundaries I have - if I complain about her overstepping it inevitably gets turned into me 'being selfish' or 'overreacting.' I sometimes think (some) mums just view their daughters as extensions of themselves and not actual people in their own right.