AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

Even the most timid person can find a way not to coordinate three people trespassing in your daughter's home for 5 days, one of whom you know your daughter despises. Her mother had to be actively involved in this concerted trespass. If all else failed she could have simply faked and illness and not gone at all.

Yes change locks, tell your mum that you know she had others staying and that was not what was agreed and was completely unacceptable. Tell her the place was a state and she has broken your trust. Don't let her stay again. A simple 'that doesn't work for us ' will be fine if she ever brings it up again ( but I doubt she will).

Was the unknown person in the house a man or a woman? A man in someone else's house might get up to some dodgy stuff if he thinks that no one will get to know about it. It's not just fast food that you can get delivered to an address. If there is a land line in the house you could find if any calls have been made.

That is horrendous

To be honest OP i would be going through my possessions with a fine tooth comb to see if anything is missing

You trust your mum so you wouldn't have made a special effort to tuck away jewellery or anything but you don't know what these other people might have done 😩

I would be absolutely devastated. My dad did something similar once involving a breach of trust. I didn't speak to him for two years.

I had a not completely dissimilar experience. I'd bought my first house, my dad and his wife (my mum's ex-best friend, but that's another story), declined to come and see it, stating that "they thought I could have done a bit better than buying a terraced house".

Had been there for a couple of years (still no visit), but we had swapped keys in case of emergency.

My girlfriend & I went on holiday, a few weeks after getting back, I bumped into my step-sister in the supermarket, only to be told complimentary that she really liked what we'd done to the house. Yep, as soon as we were abroad on holiday, my dad, his wife and my stepsister went round in our absence for a good old nose around.

In your shoes, OP, I’d feel exactly the same. And I’d be hugely disappointed in mum for letting you down like this. She has been disrespectful, ignoring your wishes, letting other people into your home without permission, and cravenly now not responding to your message or owning up to her behaviour. I’d feel like she has violated your trust and your home, which should be your safe space.

Does she have any history for being a pushover? Could SS have bullied her into letting her stay? Not that this would be any excuse, of course.

I’d be tempted to go to her house unannounced when you know she’ll be home and tell her you have come for your house keys (she doesn’t need to know you plan to change the locks). Be icily polite but make it clear you are sooooo disappointed in her and that she has permanently damaged your trust in her.

Why is it so important not to fall out? Op can’t control that, she says what she needs to and her mum reacts how she reacts, she can’t control that.

Change the locks and don't let her stay there again on her own.
She breached your trust.

Huge violation. I would definitely change all the locks and would be having a very frank conversation with your mother. She’s obviously being evasive by not answering the phone as she knows her behaviour here is outrageously bad

A couple more things, contact your medical providers and ask if there's a way to password protect your account. If they ask why, just say data breach.

You might consider paying for one of the identity theft services. They can monitor accounts, check if your data is available, verified change of address data, and can provide reimbursement for stolen funds due to identity theft.

Block your mom and stepsister and her partner from any social media and emails. Is your stepsister's father still in the picture? If so, block him everywhere too.

Your mom doesn't agree with your decisions about your stepsister nor does she accept them. This was the biggest fuck you to you she could think of and she's put you at some risk. She destroyed your sense of security in your home and that's huge.

@WeFoundLove that's actually made me feel a bit sick. It's like being burgled. Having those people in your home amongst your private things. It's disgusting.

I'd actually go NC over it. But I understand not everyone is me.

Really feel for you 💐

How dare your mother put you and your husband at a risk like this. If she minimizes this or says she does not understand why you are angry, then I’d tell her that in itself is worrying because it shows a serious lack of brain capacity.

This is the only reason I can think of for doing something so awful to the OP.

I think her mother was punishing OP for maintaining her boundary over her stepsister.

This would be devastating to me as my home is my sanctuary. My sister and I are both no contact because she is a horrible person and stole a large amount of money from our elderly and disabled father. I think you should change your locks for front and back. I’d also want answers from mum as to why she did that to you and left the home dirty and messy, did they want to be caught?! I could never trust my mother again after such a thing. Think I’d dial down the contact to just checking in on her.

@WeFoundLove
What was your mother thinking of doing a thing like that?
She must know about you and your SS but still went behind your back and completely overstepped boundaries
Can imagine your SS crowing with absolute glee at the fact she 'got one over on you'
And as for mommie dearest
I'd change locks
Never give her a key
Or the chance of a social visit even when in residence myself
And I'd be having some serious heavy words with her and say she doesn't deserve your trust and understanding anymore
And above all why did she??
Willing to bet she'll go on about "fammerlee"
So stick to your guns she's the one in the total wrong here
And remember
You totally have DHs support on this matter.

This is beyond wild. You were pretty generous when you agreed to her treating your place like and Airbnb but to let strangers stay, use personal items, sleep in your beds and basically have free access to your home is beyond the pale.

Have you checked nothings been taken??

I'm so sorry. The fact she's blanking your calls too is insult to injury.
I'd be very interested to know what her excuse is.

Send her a link to this thread as well.

Awful behaviour. If I trusted someone to stay in my house I would prefer them not to have any visitors, let alone house guests staying over. I realise you dislike your stepsister and that adds an extra element to the deceit, but really your mum shouldn’t have allowed anyone over your doorstep without your express permission. I would find this hard to forgive, certainly in the short term. I agree with you changing all the locks. One of those people (your stepsister’s partner) was a virtual stranger and the other person a complete stranger. I wouldn’t be able to relax in my own home.

Edited to add that you should ask your mum to pay for changing the locks. Even if she says no, you will at least be able to explain why you’re changing them and hopefully make her realise how reckless she was.

Bloody hell OP!!! What a horrible thing to come home to, I’m so sorry your Mum has betrayed you like this.
What a violation of your trust and your home.

I would struggle with this, like others have said, my home is my sanctuary.

Lots of good advice re changing locks & data protection.

I’m gutted for you 😔

I am so sorry that your mother has violated your trust like this by letting these people invade your home. What it means for your relationship in the long term will of course be up to you but it will be very hard/impossible to fully trust her ever again. I agree that you should take all necessary measures to protect yourself & your property, you could consider sending your mother the bills for any expenses incurred by these.

Just had another thought, as well as the simple reality that they might have stolen more than your food and wine, what if one of the trespasssers was doing dodgy web searches using your wifi?

You really do need to report this to the police, you need proof of the trespass on record in case anything comes up in the future.

Your mum knows full well she has crossed a line , she possibly didn’t think about the cameras & possibly they put some pressure on her to allow them to stay and now she doesn’t want to face the consequences . Most people would be very uncomfortable with people they liked staying without permission let alone strangers and people you hate. I don’t think I could easily forgive , she certainly wouldn’t be allowed to stay on her own again . It makes you feel violated doesn’t it .

I’m guessing your mum isn’t picked up yet. I think you need to send her the bill for the locksmith. I would also go through everything with a fine tooth comb to make sure nothing valuable has been stolen or broken, none of your kids things are missing and of course, change your WiFi password and passwords on all accounts just in case.

I had a fraught relationship with my mother at times (long story), but she would never, ever gave abused my trust and my home like this. She stayed in my house whilst we were away on several occasions (she even oversaw the installation of a new bathroom once), doing decorating for us, cat sittjng etc. I trusted her implicitly.

In your situation, OP, it would be a long time before I allowed her through my door again - at all.