AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

Firstly, trespass is a civil offence anyway, so the police wouldn't do anything even if you're correct. Secondly, the person who you authorised to enter has given permission, therefore legally it's not trespass. Reporting to police is thoroughly barking up a dead tree.

Take a couple of stills of the footage and send them to your mother with no words Then leave the ball in her court. She'll know she owes you an explanation and an apology.

Being taken for granted and having your trust shat on hits very hard. Id probably not contact her for a bit.

Sorry if already said but I think you need to make an unannounced visit to your Mum to check whether she is okay- the whole incident seems very strange and there could be more going on than is evident.

TBF, cops these days dont give a shit about anything other than harass people for free speech, murdering women and parking crimes against humanity.....

That’s awful @WeFoundLove!

Don't want to give you another thing to worry about, but does your mother have your WiFi password? I'd be worried about what they might have downloaded at your address if the man is dodgy. Hope I'm completely wrong. Check your Netflix/Prime etc accounts too maybe?

Unfortunately, it does sound as if your Mum planned on your step-sister, partner and a random to stay all along, hence why she asked to stay. If your step-sister had found out your Mum was staying in your home, and asked her if she could stay too, you'd hope she'd have said No.

Your Mum turned up with your step-sister, knowing full well, all would be staying. She then left to go home 3 hours before your step-sister, leaving her, the boyfriend and a random in your home, on their own!!!

Presumably, your Mum is fully aware of your feelings towards your step-sister? Therefore, she must know that you wouldn't have willingly allowed her to stay in your home. In which case, she's massively overstepped and broken your trust. I would be furious beyond belief.

For all you know once your step-sister, her boyfriend and this other person were left alone, they could have rummage through personal paperwork, drawers etc. Your Mum has no idea what they were doing, because she left them alone!!

I actually agree with you, that you need to change the locks. Your Mum allowed a total stranger to you, in your home, that's without adding in your step-sister and her boyfriend, who you do know. I wouldn't be giving your Mum a key again and she doesn't stay. On another note, I have to assume your Mum had no idea you have cameras?!

Will be interested to hear your DM’s reasoning. Also the fact that she left before the unwelcome guests, absolutely gobsmacked!

You must feel utterly betrayed.

Yes, and according to the internet, under the Theft Act 1968, burglary occurs when someone enters a building as a trespasser and either intends to commit an offence (like theft) upon entry (s. 9(1)(a)), or, having entered as a trespasser, actually steals (s. 9(1)(b)).

Under R v Jones and Smith (1976), a person enters as a trespasser if they enter knowing they are exceeding the permission given, or being reckless as to whether they are doing so.

OP gave her mother a personal license to stay, not a lease or tenancy granting exclusive possession or the right to sub license to third parties. If the guests knew (or were reckless to the fact) that OP had not permitted them entry to her home, their entry was trespassory.

The people staying, especially the stepsister, very definitely DID know they were exceeding the permission given and that OP did not agree to this. That won't be hard to prove given the long history of well known bad blood between them.

Once they consumed OPs food and wine they then crossed the threshold into dwelling house burglary.

So, basically, if OP calls the police she needs to focus on the theft of her food/wine, shampoo - anything they took, consumed or used. The police will likely view this as a civil/family dispute or a civil trespass but IF OP clearly focuses on the theft of property (stolen food and wine) and breach of entry they can be persuaded to treat it as a criminal matter.

And it is definitely worth pursuing this, because if these slimy creeps stole anything from her or got hold of her financial details, she will have started a paper trail that can help her later. It will also put the absolute wind up these fucking arseholes. It's the only justice OP is likely to get.

She should definitely go to the police and push hard to start criminal proceedings for trespass and burglary. Absolute worst case, the police just say no.

But the OP didn't say she 'wanted someone to look after her house while she was away' Her mother asked if she could stay and the OP generously agreed. The post isn't about house sitting in the usual context. It's about OP being nice and her mother taking liberties.

Did you have cameras set up the last time your DM stayed? Perhaps this isn’t the first time this has happened.

Step siblings don't share a parent that's the point.

My second husband has a son from his first marriage - he's my children's step brother. No parent in common, not a blood relation.

My first husband had a daughter from his first marriage - she's my children's half sister. Same dad, different mum.

Plus, OP, is there anything missing? Any jewellery? These slimy trespassers spent days rifling through your things.

Go to the police. This is not just about hurt feelings. This is criminal trespass and yes, you can indeed talk to the police about it. Someone who is capable of humiliating and mocking you like this is certainly capable of stealing from you.

Oh OP I would be livid and so let down. It is a punch in the stomach, her knowing your stance on your SS not being welcome and bringing her anyway, and worse, someone else you don’t even know.

I would text her a few camera stills
of them being there and ask her what the hell she was thinking.

You’ll never trust her the same again for sure.

I haven’t had any contact with my brother for 20 years. If my mum did this, I’d never speak to her again. YANBU.

Have you managed to speak to.your mum yet to see if she has an explanation? I take she doesnt know about the cameras?

Yes you are. Read OPs posts. She doesn't get on with Step sister. Her DM must have known that. There's also the fact that they had a stranger with them.

Oh for goodness sake

Right. And it wasn't a "mistake". A mistake is forgetting to turn your alarm on for work or not locking your front door on the the way to work. Her mother planned this, executed it, organised for these people to get to the countryside where her daughter lives, moved these people into her daughter's personal space, allowed them to rummage through her rooms, gave them her daughter's food and wine to eat and drink, let them roam around in her daughter's home for five days - and she knew full well her daughter loathed one of them and would never have allowed the others entry either.

It was a horrible, deliberate deceit, and these people also knew full well OP would not want them there, particularly the stepsister.

They are scum for doing this. Can you imagine sitting in someone's home, eating their food and drinking their wine, helping yourself to their towels and soap and sleeping in their beds, knowing the whole time they didn't agree to it and wouldn't want you there - what kind of horrible arsehole behaves like that?

Who knows what else they are capable of. I'd be scrubbing every inch of the entire house, shampooing the carpet and furniture, and checking every single drawer, closet and nook and cranny. I would feel violated.

Plus, OP has her husband to think of. She must feel SO guilty and horrible - it was her own mother who did this to her husband. He gave this woman the key to his house and this is how he was treated.

This is a breach of trust and incredibly disrespectful.
Your DM is aware of your feeling about your SS but even if your mum had wanted to invited someone else she should have asked your permission.
Im wondering if she isnt responding to your messages because she is worried you have found out?
I would message again saying you really need to speak to her .
If she doesnt respond ti that message,id message explaining you are devastated that she has violated your trust .
Yes,change the locks is reasonable .
YANBU

Oh for goodness sake.

A few years ago we went away for 5 weeks and my MIL and FIL offered to come and stay to water our plants. They said they might stay a night but were not sure. In the end they invited sister-in-law and family to stay with children. They stayed for a few days and borrowed a few bits that we never got back. They also decided to spend NYE in our house with some friends as well. When we eventually got home we met with their friends who told us that they could never live in London (we lived there) as it was too nosy and there were dodgy areas! I think their attitude is that family houses belong to the whole family as they all stay in each other's houses when they go away. This is fine but it would have been nice to have been asked!

Yes definitely watch out for financial issues. She wouldn't need to photocopy or even write things down. Everyone's got a mobile phone with a camera in their pocket.
I can't remember the last time I used a pen.

I'm just wondering if your mum is a generally timid/weak person? Has she been coerced into this? Possibly by a step sister who would know that it would probably damage your relationship with your mum?

I would be so upset at this!

I’d be worried about the financial and identity implications as well. I’d contact the step sister too and ask them who the hell the extra person was. Bill her the price of an Airbnb stay. (Of course you would never get the money, but you will have made you point!)