AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

Don't ask mum to pay for the locks. She will use that as a lever to get a spare again.

You can't report it to the police. No crime has taken place.

I think the fact that people you don't know/like potentially slept in your bed and then you would have slept in the same sheets unknowingly if you hadn't checked might be one of the worst violations.

Even if coercion was involved, if the mum is allowed to stay again she can be coerced again. So on a practical level it doesn't matter whether she was or wasn't.

But if she was then that's a separate and serious issue.

OP, I'd go mad if that happened with me. To me, my home is my safe space and I certainly wouldn't have people I don't like in it. I don't blame you for how you feel, and I'd definitely change the locks (and any combos for alarms or internet passwords etc). It's a huge violation of your space and your trust. Have you managed to speak to your mum yet? I cannot think of a single reason that what she did could be seen as an emergency or "in extremis" situation or reason.

FWIW, my best friend has house sat for me (I have cats) when I've been away. She asks each and every time before having anyone over (and the people she would hang out with are good friends of mine too).

I”m pretty relaxed normally but this would annoy me disproportionately. Your DH is right you need to change the locks if the SS’s partner is a ‘wrongun’ - your insurance wouldn't pay out if any future burglary is done with a key!
what was your mum thinking, surely she knew/saw you had a doorbell camera, don’t most people these days! I’d be finding it very hard to forgive - I think I’d probably avoid speaking to her for fear of saying stuff that can’t be unsaid!

I would tell your mum she's broken your trust and isn't welcome to stay to anymore. Would ask why she thought that was okay.

How do YOU know that NO crime has taken place?

Trespass is a thing, even if its civil trespass.

What I mean is that the guest's behaviour seems designed to provoke a reaction, so the obvious question is why - I would suspect it was intended to cause a rift. The OP has indicated she usually has a good relationship with her mum so I wouldn't be immediately cutting that off without getting to the bottom of things.

If her mum turns out to have willingly violated OP's trust then that's awful and OP would be right to proceed in whatever way protects OP's peace of mind.

If she didn’t I am sure SD and partner saw. And either didn’t care or just saw it as a fuck you to OP and her husband.

Because they were invited in by someone who had the legal right to be there. It's not any kind of trespass.

I agree, it's deeply disrespectful. For example, I have a key to my parents' house and even though in some ways it's still 'my' house, it would never occur to me to use it in their absence without their knowledge and OK because it is their space, not mine. It's basic courtesy frankly. Bringing other people along is the height of rudeness.

@WeFoundLove I agree with everyone else, that it was a shocking breach of trust and I would be furious.

I agree, from an insurance point of view, you absolutely need to change the locks as soon as you can as a minimum. If you had a break in, even if it was unconnected to this, insurance would probably not pay out, so you have no choice but to change the barrels and I would make sure your Mum knows this.

When discussing it with her. I wouldn't say anything about how much you don't like your stepsister, because in this particular instance it is irrelevant to what happened and will no doubt lead the discussion down a rabbit hole, from what you say. Regardless of whether you dislike your step sister, or not, what your Mum did was a huge breach of trust, even if you did like her. Don't let the discussion focus on how/why the 2 of you can't get on better. Your Mum has betrayed you and she needs to understand that it was not ok under any circumstances to do what she did.

Like others have said, I would keep calm when you first speak to her, to see what her excuse is and why she did what she did - but I cannot think of any reasonable excuse, for what she did. Do you think she could have been coerced into doing into this by her partner? I'm not clear if the reference to 'the partner' was her own partner or your step sister's partner?

I wonder if you got hold of her yet? Feel so cross for you on your behalf.

First change the locks. Your mum knows she’s done wrong and is avoiding your calls.

Then be honest with your mum. You don’t want to fall out over this but you will not be letting her stay at yours again. Tell her you have had to change the locks. Hopefully you mum does the right thing and pays for that.

Wow I’m sorry but I’d never let her in my home again.

I hope you’ve checked all valuables are where they should be and that your paperwork hasn’t been messed with.

Make sure you download the camera footage so you’ve got it incase she denies it and also since you say the boyfriend is a looser and the other an unknown. Well incase either decide to pay a visit again.

Of course change the locks.

I'd send her a message along the lines of "i know why you haven't text or called me back as i have viewed our camera footage and seen who you invited into our home without our permission" and then add on what you need at the end. She is completely out of order. The absolute cheek of her.
Edited to add wait for the spin on you viewing the cameras and her not addressing what she has done

Yes - change all the locks (remember front AND back door), and never let your mum stay there again. Massive breach of trust, especially as she knows you wouldn't let your step sister stay there.

Why wouldn't she want to fall out with her? What benefit would the OP gain from remaining on good terms with a woman who just horribly, deliberately abused her trust and is now ignoring her? She either cares absolutely zero about OPs feelings (she definitely knew who much it would distress her) or she actively wanted to hurt OP.

So why wouldn't she want to fall out with her?

Far better for the OP to block her every where, complete shut down. Her abuser, the mother, is expecting OP to chase her and plans to then minimise, call the OP dramatic, gaslight and abuse her further. It will be DARVO all the way down.

The only way to hurt a person this cruel, unfeeling and indecent is by ignoring her completely. If her mother comes crawling back later to apologise profusely, OP can then tell her she'll never be allowed in her home again and decide if she wants any semblance of a relationship with her "mother".

This seems like a fair and accurate summary of the situation and a good response.

The OP did not give permission to anyone other than her mom.

Ergo, the other miscreants did trespass.

I agree with your husband about changing the locks. I’d be furious about this! Does your mum know you have cameras?! Have you messaged her to say “I know what you did”?

I agree with your husband. Change all the locks immediately (peace if mind and safety is worth the cost) and don't allow your mum to stay again. I would also speak to her, saying how upset you are at the lies and betrayal, and asking her to pay for new locks. (I very much doubt she will, but I think she should at least pay a portion, since she's the one who put you in this position.)

That's really awful, what a horrible, massive breach of trust. Absolutely unforgivable. Surely she knew you had cameras and would find out, is that why she's avoiding you?

@WeFoundLove , your mom lied to you by omission. She was going to stay at yours and you made the place nice for her and then you found out through your camera she brought your stepsister whom you dislike, her loser partner, and a complete stranger to enjoy your place and use your things behind your back.

That's not even close to ok. She knew that but gambled that you wouldn't find out. She's extremely deceptive and possibly planned this little staycation with your stepsister when she asked to stay in your home. She can never have access to your home again. Sorry, but she's broken your trust in such a deceitful way. Never again.

All locks need to be changed. Pay the bill yourself and send the receipts to your mom with a request for immediate repayment. Change your passwords for your digital life including your router. Check and inventory electronics, jewelry, any other valuables, important docs, and medications. I would lock down my credit for a while and check that no purchases are made that you haven't made are on your cards. Take photos of any damage. Keep receipts if any repairs needed and they get sent to your mom for payment along with the receipt for changing your locks. Report any theft to the police.

I think you should send your mother and stepsister a no trespass notice that your mom, your stepsister, and her partner are not allowed on your property without your written authorization.

Other than the receipts for the locks and any repairs and the no trespass notices, silence from you. She chose to blow up your relationship in a particularly nasty way. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Do you think the cops are going to give two shits about this ? Let them get on with real crimes for heavens sake. The mother was allowed in and she bought guests with her . Did they think they were trespassing ? No . Were they invited by the mother ? yes . This is not in anyway a criminal law case .