AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

It's happened to us.My mother-in-law and her sister invited other family members to stay without asking us.
While we were away they did tell us,that the other relatives were coming, but only like a day ir two beforeand we didn't want the people there.
We weren't happy as we had left in a hurry and they wanted to use my teenage children's room.Which had a lot of personal items in.
We did not hate the relatives who were coming,but we were upset as they were definitely using the place as a cheap holiday.
We had invited the extra relatives to come when we were there, they wanted to come when we weren't which was a bit sad.We did get it sorted out in the end the mother-in-law apologised.

Yeah I have never been that happy about them coming again, my mother-in-law sister, told my husband what's your problem, your house isn't a villa, ( your house is a shifty small house, you should be happy we come and look after it while you're not there.) Their arguement was always, we are all family, you should let other people come!!!
So after all that I do understand where you're coming from, it's not on and the fact that you don't like the relative that stayed is even worse.

I would wait until your mother calls you and have it out with her.I hope you can come to an agreement.

I posted my boring story so you see there are others who have had this!!

I was going to mention this. I’ve had a friend notice changes to her credit rating and then discovered a service engineer had tried to take out loans using info he’d lifted from her house when he was servicing the boiler. If she hadn’t been a regular checker of this as she was working to improve her rating to get a remortgage, she’d probably not have realised until it things had gone quite far.

And all the visitors in that house colluded to not let the owner know they were there. Just so unethical and bizarre. So many weirdos around

I’d be heartbroken. Your mum has badly misjudged. She owes you an explanation and humble apology. And I think it’ll take a very long time for you to be able to put this behind you.

if I were you, I’d leave it for a few days. Wait to see if mum calls with an explanation. If she does, then maybe hear her out. If she doesn’t call, then I’d write her a letter explaining why you feel so betrayed by what she’s allowed to happen in your home.

I feel so sorry for you. This must feel huge. And you might be torn between your husbands anger and trying to give your mum a little benefit of the doubt.

i’d also feel as though she’d ruined my holiday. To be faced with this hurt and stress will likely have taken the shine off your time away.

I'd be upset and angry. Definitely replace all the locks and don't let her stay while you're away again.

I'd also want to hear from her what on earth she was thinking.

This is awful.
I have no relationship advice re how to proceed (because I'd go mad at her). However, re changing the locks, there are lots of you tube tutorials if you have a standard UPVC type door. Very easy to follow and the locks are about £20 in B and Q.
Then send her the bill.

That's absolutely terrible. I'd feel violated. Where did they sleep? Did they change the sheets???

I can only think your mum had a good reason for doing this. That's being charitable.

I would message your mother again and remind her that you have cameras.
I would bill her for cleaning and also give her the bill for lock changing.
I personally would never be able to forgive this let alone trust her again.

I’m sure you don’t need another person telling you what everyone else is telling you (especially as the vote is so one-sided which says a lot around here!) but I just wanted to offer my sympathy, as I know it’s just such a horrible feeling of betrayal and violation - wondering what they’ve been doing in your space when they weren’t welcome and didn’t have your permission. I’m so sorry. I agree with your husband and I would find this irreparable considering she is also ignoring your messages.

Agree with posters saying my first priority would be to check your mum's ok and establish whether she may have been coerced by members of the group she was with, if it's out of character for her to do something like this. I would be keeping this under review over the next few months as well and generally keeping an eye on her.

I'd be reporting this to the Police and sending them the video footage.

OP - both you and your other half should absolutely tear shreds off your mom for this disgraceful violation. Whether she was coerced or not, its actions like this that ruins families - and she has done that.

I couldnt come back from something like this. No way.

After you blast her, cut her off for good. Your mom us disgusting and untrustworthy.

I’m really sorry that your mum
has done this, what a gut punch to have someone you don’t like in your own home like that.

Change the locks and clean the house top to bottom to purge the feeling of them. I don’t think I’d be able to trust my mum again.

I think I might be tempted to not contact DM. Anything she says will minimise, excuse and try to justify this awful behaviour and that will compound the misery and damage. A bit of space while you change locks and scrub your home free of those people.
To be honest though the damage is done and once broken trust is hard, if not impossible, to put back together.
I am so sorry this happened to you.

Her mother set out to lie to and deceive the OP. On purpose. With a person she knows OP hates. There is no misjudging. She knows what she has done.

OP definitely shouldn't bother writing to her. No point. Her mother abused her on purpose.

If she did, she would have responded to OP and told her the "good reason". She's ignored her instead. Unless she was being actually, physically threatened, held hostage, coerced in some way there can not be any acceptable reason.

This could very well be the case and in that event, it would be time to report Mum, SS & co to the police. If there are missing valuables, there is evidence of an actual crime (in addition to boundary-stomping and a breakdown in family relations) and OP will need a paper-trail with law enforcement.
@WeFoundLove I am sorry you've had to put up with this and can only echo the good advice you've already had about changing your locks, whether by DIY or a locksmith, checking your valuables and paperwork, and taking a very hard line with your Mum about her behaviour. If I saw her at all, it would be at her house or in a café; letting her over the threshold of mine for even a couple of hours would no longer feel safe. How could you turn your back to put the kettle on? What if she asked to use the loo? It's awful that you have to think of your Mum in those terms, but this is a situation of her making, not yours. Do whatever you have to to make yourself and your DH safe in your own home.

Gosh OP, I am so sorry this happened. You must have felt winded when you seen the footage. This is a huge betrayal by your Mum. Don’t be surprised if she tries to dismiss or minimise. At the very least she should cover the cost of lock changes and be told you’re not allowing her access when you aren’t there again. If you can’t trust your own Mother its a sad bl**dy day.

I'd also be measured in how I reacted, because a huge bust-up could play into the hands of someone wanting to cause a rift/isolate your mum from you in order to gain more influence over her. That's the worst case scenario but I'd personally be giving your mum the benefit of the doubt in the first instance, in the very least I'd assume she hadn't expected the uninvited guests to leave things messy and be disrespectful when that's not something she'd do herself.

You’re not being unreasonable at all, it is a total breach of trust.

We often stay in my in laws house (we live in a city, they live in a lovely seaside town) as they go away frequently. If ever we’re taking friends we ALWAYS ask first and are completely transparent. We certainly wouldn’t allow someone they were estranged from to come, nor would we even suggest it.

I hope you can find a way to repair the relationship with your Mum but I wouldn’t let her stay in your house again.

I have just had a thought OP. When you speak to your mum try and stay calm and sound as if you aren’t that bothered and try and get details of who the person was that you don’t know. Just in case you need to give details to the police if anything untoward happens.

Also, I think you should point out that there was extra cleaning to do and that had they rented anywhere to stay it would have cost XYZ and see if you can get some money out of her/them for compensation and money back for the food etc.

Play nice and see what you can glean and get first (and no guilt about that - you wouldn’t need to had she not lied and manipulated). Then I think in your shoes I’d step away from my relationship with her for a while at least. I know how it feels to feel betrayed by your own mum and it bloody hurts so be kind to yourself.

I‘d feel really violated that my own mother would do something like this to me and abuse my trust.

She knows what she has done and if you’re not going to miss her then I’d be tempted to let the contact drop to a bare minimum. Definitely change the locks.

How the guests behaved is neither here nor there. It would be bad if invited guests left the place messy but the real issue here is her mums betrayal of her - she lied to her and invited someone she knows the OP doesn’t like and a random she doesn’t know and then left them in their own in the OPs house. It’s a massive betrayal of trust and a violation of her rights. The mother deserves nothing from OP. The OP needs to make a decision based on what she feels and needs and can disregard her mother’s needs in this instance.

Hi this is my first time ever posting but I feel moved to write. My DM did something like this that changed our relationship for ever and there was no going back. Once trust is gone its gone and unfortunately some women do not respect their adult daughters. It would be unusual if this is the first time she had ever behaved inappropriately. I now grey rock my DM and even still she did something yesterday that hurt me. I suspect you may need to speak to someone to unpack all of this. I’m so sorry this has happened and I understand the feeling of a punch to a gut.

I am so sorry that your mum has violated your trust in this way. I am afraid I have no advice to offer about that. However, if you are changing the locks, I can thoroughly recommend this product . I can't speak to how easy they are to fit yourself as ours was fitted by our installers when we replaced our windows and doors. The big plus for me is that unlike locks from high street stores, spare keys can only be purchased direct from the company. The keys have a unique code which has to be quoted when you order and the order has to come from the email address the keys are registered to. I have ordered a couple of spares and they were delivered next day by courier, not regular post. Might be worth a look?

Lets hope he hasn’t used your toothbrushes for cleaning the loo. I would tell your mum you have a lot of cameras and she needs to pay for a cleaner.