AIBU to feel upset after my friend commented on DD's pull-ups?

[DearDog96]

For context: I have written on here before about my struggles potty training DD and acknowledge that I definitely should’ve started sooner and been more persistent so before you all come for me, I know what I should’ve done!

anyway… after school today one of my best friends from back when I was in school was round and DD needed changing (still in pull ups). She was only wet and all her stuff was downstairs so I did it in the living room (friend has seen it all before, she’s regularly round our house). Once I’d finished with DD she processed to make comments at DD about how she thought she was a big girl but might have to change her mind now she knows she’s still in nappies (she’s known all along which I found weird). She made a few other comments about how she’s too old for them etc.

I know a lot of it is true, and she’s probably trying to help by pressuring DD into using the toilet, but I felt it was a bit out of order and almost like she was indirectly calling me a shit parent. AIBU?

Well if you know it all then why aren't you doing it!

You treat your daughter like a baby. Thats evident in all of your previous posts. Dummies, bottles, nappies. Now you change her in front of others like she is still a baby.

Hmm I disagree here. The op has not bothered to help her daughter toilet train until a couple of weeks ago and got frustrated that she was struggling. This should never have been left so long. It's sad.

I’ve just read some of your previous posts, and I’ve noticed something about the way you write and respond to questions: you talk in a similar way to an addict. - I’m not for a moment suggesting you are an addict, nor am I trying to attack you, but rather I think that it might be a helpful thing to think about.

When I say you talk like an addict, what I mean is that you rationalise the irrational. Addicts - I - are brilliant at coming up with what sound like brilliant reasons for why we shouldn’t start something, or if started, why ‘pausing’ is not only totally justified, but might quite possibly be a benefit to the long term aim.

I do it. I struggled for years with smoking and dieting and giving up certain foods and such. The thing is I have done all these things successfully. And then gone backwards. So I know - part of me knows - that all these things are entirely possible. BUT, when I try to get back into them (or when started, hit a slump), I create a myriad seemingly very rational, sensible, reasons for not starting or for pausing. (Of course, a pause never works as it becomes a grinding halt and the situation usually ends up worse than it was before!)

You seem to have a long list of (seemingly) wholly sensible reasons for having delayed starting and then having stopped potty training. They make total sense.
‘waiting until she’s ready’
’it wasn’t working and I was pregnant/had a new born’
’she’s about to transition to school, so it would be silly to start now’
They all make complete sense. But, ultimately, all they are are excuses for not biting the bullet and seeing it through.

No one (that I know) cracked potty training first time out. And success at potty training doesn’t mean no accidents ever. Indeed, even when seemingly totally past it there can still be moments of regression. Nor is there some magical solution or a trick that everyone else knows apart from you. It can be hard. It can be messy. But the only way to succeed is to start and not to pause or give up.

You talk a lot about your DD not being ready. Children pick up so much, and I wonder whether, really, she is responding to your fear that you all won’t succeed.

You will. But perhaps it’s as much about you as her.

It wasn't particularly nice of her to say it directly to your DC. I don't think you've helped by changing her in the living room like a baby though.

I think I commented on your threads about this months ago. Unless there is a medical or additional needs reason stop with pull-ups altogether.
100% no more. Daytime first then nights. It’s the only way
Youll have extra laundry to do for a few weeks but it will be worth it.

It’s all about OP. And the constant posting about it is weird too. There is some amount of enjoyment in posting, that I’m sure of. On previous posts I thought it was all so strange that something else was going on that I can’t say or my post will be deleted! It’s all a bit dubious and it feels like someone playing the long game for fun.

OP, you must be a glutton for punishment to keep coming back here.

Oh the OP was apparently “never going back” to pull ups again. And now here we are.

I NEVER changed either of my DC in the living room or anywhere in front of people FFS!
Even a newborn should be allowed their dignity.

I always took them away to their room unless it was just my husband. My mum, at a push. And only if they were just wet.

That doesn’t mean that I didn’t allow them to be changed by others, of course I did.

I just never wanted them to be lying in the middle of the floor being changed in front of people!

I agree

I think you’re using the pull ups wrong and you’d have more success if you don’t treat them like a nappy but more like pants that can cope with accidents. If she has an accident - wets her pull ups, get her to go to the bathroom straight away to sit on the toilet and see if she’s got any more to come and then she wipes herself and she puts on a fresh pull up. If you have to be with her at first fine, but aim to do this routine and washing her hands afterwards. Treating it like a nappy won’t move her forward in any way, and being changed by you shouldn’t need to happen either- she should be trying to do that for herself.
If you stick to this every single time (don’t let her hand around in a wet pull up) then she will get used to the routine and feel like a big girl.

I think you invited that comment from your friend by changing her in front of her like a baby, because it was easier for you than to get her upstairs and on the toilet.

This!

Sorry to say this but you’ve let your daughter down (yes I know you know but it’s not making you do anything about it).
You've just had the 6 weeks holiday to prepare her for school!!!
Get a grip, put your big girl pull ups in the bin and get this issue sorted - you’ve also managed to make this much more difficult for you and your daughter as now she’s out of the house for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week.
Poor teacher and poor daughter - I feel sorry for both of them.
At home put her in knickers - that cold wet feeling will make her realise a toilet is better (with special seat and step) then reward her when she does well.
The dry-to-skin pull ups give her no incentive to come out of them… it’s easier for you too isn’t it?

Bit odd you left her age out.

This reminds me of my 8 year old nephew who still has a dummy....no SEND, just a child who was never told mo, even now 😳 but i'd say friend thinks shes helping

my child is 3 and SEN is it ok if we still give her a dummy?

To be honest I can imagine just feeling very awkward in that situation and saying the wrong thing!

Your friend is trying to help. I really think parents are too softly softly with their children nowadays.

There is absolutely no harm in saying ‘Emily! I thought you were a big girl! Why are you still wearing those baby pants?!’

Same as you would say ‘Only babies have dummies! You are a big boy now!’ Or you don’t need a push chair you can walk, don’t be so lazy’

Better a friend say it than the mean girl in reception who has been using a toilet for two years. Do the teachers change her pull-ups or does she just sit in wet nappies all day?? Surely that causes problems. A rash? The smell? They always get droopy and hang down when they’re full. How does she run around and do PE with a wee sodden nappy on.

You’re not a shit parent but you are massively holding back your child. My deadline with all mine was 3. You’ve had years to prepare her for school. My nursery wouldn’t move any children from the toddler room to the preschool room until they were in proper pants.

When she gets home from school on Friday, put her in knickers and tell her the pull ups are going in the bin as of now. Tell her to tell you when she needs a wee, then run to the toilet together. If she does a wee in the toilet, give her a pound, really praise her. Next day do the same ALL day. Do the same on Sunday.

You could easily crack this on a weekend.

Shaming kids is never the answer.

This!!

Is it really shaming though? Shouting at a child or being mean and unkind is never the answer but there is no harm at all in playing the ‘big girl’ card.

‘You don’t need pull-ups / a dummy / a sippy cup / a buggy because you’re such a big, clever girl!!’

Parents have been saying this for years and it does absolutely no harm. 20 years ago it was absolutely unheard of to see kids in reception unable to use a toilet.

Jesus. It’s not shaming. It’s a parenting.

Dummies do start to do damage as they grow older. Or is that a trick question?

i do know that but its the only way we cant get her to sleepy in the night

She said her friend said “I thought you were a big girl but now I’m not sure” or something to that effect. That is shaming. The goal is to make them feel bad and it’s completely unnecessary. There are ways to encourage behaviour without resorting to that. There is a wealth of evidence on how bad shaming is for kids.

maybe you should change your daughter in private? At this age ordinarily if no sen or other concern she’d be using the toilet in private. Not in the middle of the living room like a toddler???