AIBU to feel upset after my friend commented on DD's pull-ups?

[DearDog96]

For context: I have written on here before about my struggles potty training DD and acknowledge that I definitely should’ve started sooner and been more persistent so before you all come for me, I know what I should’ve done!

anyway… after school today one of my best friends from back when I was in school was round and DD needed changing (still in pull ups). She was only wet and all her stuff was downstairs so I did it in the living room (friend has seen it all before, she’s regularly round our house). Once I’d finished with DD she processed to make comments at DD about how she thought she was a big girl but might have to change her mind now she knows she’s still in nappies (she’s known all along which I found weird). She made a few other comments about how she’s too old for them etc.

I know a lot of it is true, and she’s probably trying to help by pressuring DD into using the toilet, but I felt it was a bit out of order and almost like she was indirectly calling me a shit parent. AIBU?

Your friend is right, your parenting is weak and you need to change that. There is zero reason your child isn't at the same developmental stage as her peers. Stop babying her and start teaching her.

5 years time you will have other problems if you don't crack the hard stuff now. Get bed put of nappies / dummy / bottles now.

The OP's threads on this go back months. Maybe now she actually has a baby to look after as well as a 4 year old things will change. A 4 year old being treated like a baby is terrible.

@LAMPS1
I think you are right that the remark could be seen as a bit out of order towards your child OP, but you could easily have pre-empted that scenario by changing your child away from prying eyes.
Do you know what prying eyes means? I very much doubt the nappy change was something her friend wanted to be subjected to seeing !!

She’ll be back in another few weeks posting the same thing, with people providing the same links and advice.

The other children at school will be saying things like this to OPs daughter anyway, it will become very embarrassing to her and she’ll be put in the difficult position of wanting to change to knickers without knowing how.

Imagine getting your wet pants/nappy changed in front of another person at her age?! it’s not great for teaching about privacy and independence, and it’s not great for safeguarding, there are social boundaries for a reason.

Very rude of her to comment on something so personal and a very mean comment to make to a small child, no matter the circumstances. It sounds like she was trying to help motivate DD to use the toilet but she’s gone about it in a terrible and inappropriate way.

I think it's borderline abusive. A bottle and a dummy too?

Poor child. Do your job op. Potty train her and help her grow up and hit her milestones,

Your friend was out of order with what she said OP but so were you by not changing your daughter’s pull up in private.

Or maybe it's just what op needs to bloody hear? She been posting about this for months and has done nothing about it soon it'll be the other kids that comment about it and tease her for it because her mum is to lazy to potty train her

Pretty unremarkable comment from a dear friend. As you're not managing, that may encourage your daughter to want to get out of her baby pants
What unnecessary work you're creating for those already overextended teachers.
And, you need to fix this before it becomes a source of embarrassment for the child at school.

You're put out, because it highlights that you should be doing better for your daughter.

If DD is 4 or older and you have genuinely tried a number of times to train her and she’s still not getting it, I think you might need to look into why that is. You have said there are no health or developmental issues, are you sure? It’s really pretty far outside of the typical developmental range to still be in nappies at school so I’d be looking for an underlying cause. Contact GP/HV/ERIC and push for investigation into WHY this has been so difficult for her.

ETA: I’ve just seen you’ve posted numerous times about this before looking for advice. A lot of people having a go at you for not training her but you’ve clearly been trying, so again I would really encourage you to follow up with professionals and look for a cause. In most circumstances it does not take this long or this degree of effort to toilet train.

Are you the poster who is keeping this child like a newborn?
Your friend probably feels sorry for her.

She probably thought an adult saying that to her might make some magic switch flick and she’d suddenly realise she should be using the toilet, but it’s not helpful. Children don’t respond well to shame.

I think I recall your previous posts so I won’t bang on about her age, etc. but from how you’ve worded it, it sounds like you’re very much dealing with nappies. A NT school age child really should be able to remove their own pull up and put a new one on, if she has not yet got her head around toilets.

Maybe this is the final nudge you need. No one’s “seen it all before” when it comes to reception aged child in nappies. She should be in pants at home at least.

My son was later being toilet trained, 3.5 years old. He simply wasn't ready before. At this age it only took him a week to grasp the concept, bypassed the potty and went onto a toilet, with only 1 mishap at preschool.

I'm assuming that your daughter is in Reception? I'll be blunt, unless your child has SEN or a physical disability, then there's zero excuse why your daughter is still in nappies/pull-ups. You are doing your daughter disservice by allowing this situation to continue. School staff shouldn't be having to change your daughter, because you've not prioritised toilet training.

Over half-term, stay in, and get to grips with toilet training. I did this with my son over the May holiday, when he was 3.5 years old (he's an October baby, so didn't start school for another year). At her age, she should pick it up fairly quickly.

As for your friend, she shouldn't have made the comment in ear shot of your daughter. It's not your daughter's fault she isn't dry, it's yours. Don't ever change your daughter in front of other people. She's 4 years old, not a baby, and should be changed in the bathroom, and given dignity and privacy.

If you think there's something wrong, and you've tried toilet training but your daughter isn't understanding, then seek professional help from your GP surgery. You can't leave this, because sooner rather than later, other children will notice your daughter is in pull-ups, and she'll be singled out by the other children and asked why.

Being in your own house isn't an excuse for being a bad parent. The child is school age and the OP is changing her in the living room in front of another adult. How is the child going to learn appropriate toileting habits and important boundaries if her mother behaves like this?

Guarantee there are some deep seated attachment or psychological issues on the OP’s side here. Having experience of parents in similar circumstances the issue is not the child.

Keeping changing stuff downstairs and changing her publicly like a baby is a dead give away that you are not ready or willing to let your child transition out of babyhood. Get some help OP.

What happens if she wees or poos in school? Does the teacher or TA have to change her?

If she has no special needs then it really shouldn't be their job. It seems that you have babied your DD, looking at what else you've said.

No sorry its not normal for a school aged child to be in nappies unless some kind of bladder/bowel condition or severe sen.

Yes YABU to feel sad about your friends comments. You do not change your school age DD in front of people, regardless of how long you’ve known them or if it’s been done like that before.

Im sorry but that’s just lazy parenting. You did what suited you.

I feel so sorry for your child. Your friend is also a dick but your DD wouldn’t have been in that situation if it wasn’t for you.

Oh...she is back in pull ups? I thought you were going to ditch them and train her before school started?

When are you going to tackle this once and for all? Its just not fair on your daughter.

I also wonder why you keep putting yourself in the firing line like this? Are you on a wind up?

I’m surprised school hasn’t reported it to SS.

How are the school dealing with it? What happens when it's PE?
I haven't worked in reception but in our school they definitely get changed for PE, so do they take her elsewhere to get changed to avoid children noticing the nappy? I haven't been in this situation so curious what happens.
I work with a very vocal child with autism who states facts - they would be likely to say something like 'Jane is wearing a nappy, like my baby sister.' None of that would be incorrect but would come across as a bit awkward and also likely to make others notice.
I think the children also generally notice which children to make allowances for - if your DD is verbal, joins in everything else, doesn't have an adult around them, then they might also be upfront and ask your DD why are you still wearing nappies should they notice.

The kid is 4! She shouldn't be getting changed in front of family either. Toileting is a private thing not something to do on display.

OP this situation is ridiculous. Bin the dummies, give her a cup not a bottle, ditch the pull-ups and put her in proper underwear, then get used to doing extra laundry until she gets the hang of using the toilet. Shouldn't take long, she'll soon get fed up of being covered in her own mess when she knows there's a simple solution. You've really failed her by letting it get this far. I'm not surprised your friend said something, you're coming across as an incompetent parent, she probably felt she had to step in and say something.