AIBU to feel upset after my friend commented on DD's pull-ups?

[DearDog96]

For context: I have written on here before about my struggles potty training DD and acknowledge that I definitely should’ve started sooner and been more persistent so before you all come for me, I know what I should’ve done!

anyway… after school today one of my best friends from back when I was in school was round and DD needed changing (still in pull ups). She was only wet and all her stuff was downstairs so I did it in the living room (friend has seen it all before, she’s regularly round our house). Once I’d finished with DD she processed to make comments at DD about how she thought she was a big girl but might have to change her mind now she knows she’s still in nappies (she’s known all along which I found weird). She made a few other comments about how she’s too old for them etc.

I know a lot of it is true, and she’s probably trying to help by pressuring DD into using the toilet, but I felt it was a bit out of order and almost like she was indirectly calling me a shit parent. AIBU?

almost like she was indirectly calling me a shit parent

Maybe you should reflect on why you took it that way. You have a 4-year-old without special needs who uses a dummy, takes a bottle, and isn't toilet trained, who you're changing like a baby in the living room in front of other people.

Is it the worst thing ever? No. But to be blunt, it's not exactly stellar parenting to treat your neurotypical 4-year-old as if she's a helpless little 1-year-old. Her development is stunted, and you're not helping by babying her.

(As for people's comments on shame - just like every other emotion, shame serves a purpose when wielded appropriately and in moderation, by prompting us to want to adhere to the social norms of our community and avoid social transgressions. It's part of the grease that lubricates a working society, and isn't inherently a negative emotion. Although whether it's appropriate here is arguable. Perhaps the OP should feel shame, but not her DD.)

I'm actually struggling to try and say those words in my head in any way that isn't passive aggressive and belittling.

BUT taken as a whole, with the thing abut the dummy etc, I suspect the friend meant well and is trying to give the process a push along. It is getting into territory where someone (probably a child) will say something much worse.

So I don't think she handled it well with her exact comments, but I can see why she might be stepping into say something.

And in fairness, I guess what can you say?

Yes, this.

Shame doesn’t usually breed enthusiasm. It usually breeds shame. Unsurprisingly.

I can't believe someone has suggested giving a child a pound every time they wee. The op will be bankrupt within a very few days!

To be fair, I doubt a 4 year old understands passive aggressiveness! I doubt she understands sarcasm either, which the friend could be accused of.

But a little girl will understand wanting to be a big girl so I get the friends intentions too. Sometimes people try to say the right thing and it's clumsy.

Yeah, sorry, but while your friend probably shouldn't have done that, I can see why she might have thought it would 'encourage' your daughter to want to stop using the pull-ups. Changing her in front of other people is worse than the friend's comments, imo. If we're being honest, your friend probably does judge your parenting somewhat, but what she said was more likely intended to help you prod your daughter in the right direction than insult you.

Idk if the op is coming back

But here's a link to Eric, in case it's useful. 4 is late but it's never too late. Early help or school is a good place to ask for help moving on from pull ups, dummies and bottles. They can help make it more manageable than tackling it all at once

https://eric.org.uk/

I think you are right that the remark could be seen as a bit out of order towards your child OP, but you could easily have pre-empted that scenario by changing your child away from prying eyes.

You were far too casual about it and that’s not teaching your child anything. She was subjected to comments and she was given no encouragement or even opportunity by you to help change herself. To my mind, that was lazy parenting, resulting in negativity for your child.

Coming in from school is the time your child must get into the habit of going to the bathroom, removing her pull up, sitting on the toilet and trying to empty her bladder before wiping and either reaching for another pull up or underwear to put on by herself. And then washing her hands. All under your supervision so you can kindly help and encourage her independence.
That is the routine you must insist on for now, until she is reliably dry.
If you happen to have a mate downstairs waiting, that's tough, she can wait, your child and her bathroom routine comes first. Every single time,- she and her bathroom routine is your absolute priority.

Build that bathroom routine into your daily schedule at various key points during the day. Don’t wait until she is wet. She is no longer a baby and shouldn’t feel wet any longer. Aim to keep her dry all day long so that she forgets that wet sensation and comes to dislike it.

As for your friend trying to denigrate you with her remarks, no I think it was simply a natural spontaneous reaction to seeing a school child being inappropriately changed like a baby in the lounge. I think you should take responsibility and do better for your child instead of looking for offence,

The child is definitely 4 years old and in reception? If she’s not SEN then I’m sorry OP, it’s not acceptable. I understand it’s overwhelming, I’m a single mum and dreaded potty training but that’s true of a lot of child rearing.

Normally I would say it’s rude to comment on someone else’s child and personally I wouldn’t because the child might be SEN and there are many disabilities we can’t see. If this person knows your DD isn’t SEN then I’m afraid the comment was valid. It’s a disservice to DD not to potty train her asap. Again, this assumes she has no underlying issue.

Don't you think it's out of order to comment without invitation and then to do so in someone else's home?

Honestly , 3 out of the 4 of my dc have been really hard to potty train. Ds1 is the only one who got it straight away. Dd1 wasn't too bad, it took a while & she was ok but omg my ds2 and dd2 still wet the bed. We've been training dd2 since early summer & she still has accidents almost every day. Each child is different, some really struggle with it. All the smug posters have obviously been lucky. That was an awful thing for your friend to say, especially in your own home. I would be having words.

Have you considered faecal inpaction? This can really dull ths nerves do the child cannot feel the urge to urinate or defaecate.
I would speak to a clinician about giving movical a try

Sorry, shame used in this manner, and situation specifically, is wrong. Shaming a child for not being toilet trained actually encourages resistence.
It's not appropriate as developmentally being able to toilet train requires the brain to be mature enough to control the bladder function and the body needs to be able to produce the appropriate hormone. Shaming a child for a developmental function they cannot control or force creates confusion, anxiety and performance anxiety.
Children need to be reassured that they will stop needing nappies etc when their bodies are ready.
People often think they need to be tough with children to help them reach milestones, but it is a very old and out-dated aporoach, even though frequently well-meant.

Agree. Poor child. You're letting her down OP. If this is even real.

While I wouldn't use shame as a parent during toilet training, at the age of 4 (without any neurodiversity or special needs), the average child is well old enough to control their bladder and bowels and toilet themselves (save the occasional accident). It sounds more like the OP hasn't bothered intensively toilet training her DD earlier on, and now the DD is ingrained in the bad habit of just using nappies.

I don't think the comment from the friend was particularly helpful (although probably well-meant), but I can't imagine it will do any harm, and the child will potentially soon hear far worse from other children if the OP doesn't get her toilet trained.

If you are honest the reason you feel hurt and or annoyed is because you think she was judging your parenting. It's understandable to feel annoyed but if she is a good friend then it likely came from a good place of trying to encourage your dd. In my view there is better ways of doing it rather than shaming however, your child isn't school ready and this is exactly what teachers are complaining about. I still would have shut her comment down about dd not being a big girl. You haven't stated your child's age but I have a 5 year old for whom being a 'big girl' and not a baby is a big deal, mine would have been hurt by this.

As others have already stated I would not change a child of her age infront of anyone else and even when my own were younger I would take them to another room to change. Otherwise I would make potty training an absolute priority in the upcoming October break and take time off work to facilitate it.

My eldest has dyspraxia and potty training took longer with her. I started at 2.5 years but she did not get it so tried again when she was 3. I took a week off work and then dh took one too and she cracked it. I know it isn't easy.

Valid point.
(it's surprising what one remembers and internalizes, though...)
I'd have been shocked if my "friend" said that to my dc - in my own home to boot!

Fair enough! It certainly wasn't an ideal comment, but hopefully it might be the motivation OP needs to try to get on top of the situation for once and for all, without the comments sticking with her DD. Toilet training can be difficult, but it's not the sort of thing you can just give up on (in a child with no medical issues, or special needs, at least).

Friend maybe did overstep but if she loves your daughter she may be frustrated with seeing her still in pull ups and not even changing herself and just couldn't bite her tongue any more.
If you feel offended by being called out by your friend keep in mind that if this goes on much longer your child is going to be called out by classmates soon and think how she is going to feel.
You really need to get knickers for her, put a plastic sheet under her sheet at night and refuse to have pull ups in the house. The summer holidays would have been an ideal time for this but unfortunately you have missed this.

I have some sympathy as my DD has SEN and sensory needs mean she won't sit on a toilet yet (I have tried most products out there to help). At first with potty training she wpuld hold her wee for 10hours rather than sit on a potty or wee somewhere that wasnt a nappy so it was almost impossible.

But where we have managed to get with help from health visitors is-
She will only wear nappies when going to the toilet and mostly independently manages gping to bathroom, popping a nappy on, wee, put nappy in bin, wipe bottom, wash hands.
This isn't ideal and I live in hope of the day she can sit on a toilet without a hige meltdown and still no wee! But it does give her some independence and privacy.
If youre working with your health visitors or ERIC one of the first things they will tell you is to always use the bathroom for changes.
Also is there reasons your daughter cant do more independently for herself when she has a wet nappy?
Your friends comments weren't kind though.

Whats your plan for helping your little one move forwards? Can a friend or family member give you support for a weekend?

I think the OP has gone.

"Friend maybe did overstep but if she loves your daughter she may be frustrated with seeing her still in pull ups and not even changing herself and just couldn't bite her tongue any more."

But, not her place to say anything as it's not her business. I mean, how utterly unhinged if the friend, having zero responsibility in raising OP's child, felt frustrated about something that didn't concern her. 🙄🤦‍♀️🥱

Will you have her out of nappies by the time she is old enough to vote?

If no SEN then you are doing your daughter massive harm by infantilising her.