AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

I don't think testing is ableist and I think it should be available as I believe people should have reproductive choices. Just as I think OP should be allowed to chose who she procreates with without judgement. My objection is not to her choices, but to her words, and the words of many others on this thread.

Supporting choice does not mean that the way screening and risk is presented is beyond criticism, however.

My mother recalls being pressured to have an amniocentesis because her estimated chance of having a baby with Down’s syndrome was 1 in 200, despite being told the procedure carried a 1 in 100 chance of miscarriage. She says her clinicians disapproved when she declined because she did not want to risk losing her baby.

After I was born, she remembers doctors saying, “She seems OK, but we can’t be sure she doesn’t have Down’s. What are you going to do?” Her answer was: “I’m going to take her home and take care of her.”

Respecting reproductive choices does not require accepting language, framing, or pressure that treats a disabled child as an unacceptable outcome.

I've noticed they disagree - what makes you think I haven't?

I don't take "most people disagree" as evidence that what's been said on this thread isn't ableist. why would I? We live in a profoundly ableist society/ culture.

Most people hold these attitudes and are accepting of them in others.

I'm not going to dignify your second paragraph with further response.

So yeah, where have I said all autistic people are useless and who the fuck would want an autistic child?

ive said 'I wouldn't want to indict a disabled child onto my child. And I wouldn't want bear that on somebody, and a lot of people want to lessen the risk.
I've also said not everyone wants aspects of your life.

So, again, where have I said 'who the fuck would want an autistic child,' and 'all autistic people are useless?'

I'll wait..

Possibly. But if it's so bizarre, why did the op even post the question?

Possibly. But if it's so bizarre, why did the op even post the question?

Possibly. But if it's so bizarre, why did the op even post the question?

I'm glad I've started the thread and asked the question. Because of there's any women in my position, hopefully there's enough testimonies on this thread for them to think again. And make an informed decision. Not to be shamed into doing something that can blow their lives up because people shout 'ABLEIST' at the top of their lungs.

Possibly. But if it's so bizarre, why did the op even post the question? Sorry. Didn't mean to post twice.

You did not say the exact words "who the fuck would want an autistic child".

Your exact words were "Fucking nobody. NO ONE asks for a disabled child"

And they are WILDY fucking different!! 😂😂😂😂😂

You also spoke about not wanting to “inflict a disabled child on your daughter”.

That word—“inflict”—portrays a child as a harm done to someone else. A disabled child is a person, with their own feelings, relationships and value. They may need considerable support, but they can also bring love, happiness and enrichment to their siblings’ lives and other's around them.

Uh huh.

A profoundly disabled child may harm my daughter. They may be violent and hit and thrash. Just like some have posted on this thread that happened to them. Why the fuck out I want to inflict that on my daughter? Or risk it? Nevermind the emotional trauma too that MULTIPLE have posted on this thread.

You really struggle to see anyone else's perspective apart from your own, don't you? Even when it's basic common sense.

I think I will leave this here.

Well I asked you to quote where I said all autistic people are useless. So far you've come up with ✨nothing✨

and you said who the fuck would want a disabled child. And you also came up with ✨nothing✨

you're making yourself look very silly indeed.

Thanks for announcing.. it's not going to get you far, making up things that really aren't there. Adios!

Again, I agree, you did not say the exact words "who the fuck would want an autistic child".

Your exact words were "Fucking nobody. NO ONE asks for a disabled child".

You also spoke about not wanting to “inflict a disabled child on your daughter”.
That word—“inflict”—portrays a child as a harm done to someone else. A disabled child is a person, with their own feelings, relationships and value. They may need considerable support, but they can also bring love, happiness and enrichment to their siblings’ lives and other's around them.

I will leave it there, as no value going round in circles.

'Can' is the operative word. OP could just as easily have a violent, non-verbal autistic child who might make her current dds life a misery and not enrich her life. She has no way of knowing.

'Inflict' is an ok word to use, given the circumstances.

But are you saying that by me doing that, I am contributing to what you have said previously?

’promoting the idea -, uncritically and without any real insight or balance, - that disabled children are fundamentally inferior, wrong, a burden to their families (especially siblings), something that "blows up" or ruins your life , a terrible misfortune "inflicted" on others, etc.’

Do people actively hope for their child
to have a disability? Or, if you find that word objectionable, a neurodevelopmental disorder?

On the flip side, it can be an absolutely terrible condition and experience, not just for the one afflicted but for those around them. Parents and siblings of disabled children have attested to this in this thread. It is a massive gamble to take, and some people would rather not play the game if it means starting with the odds stacked against them.

Of course they don't actively hope for a disabled baby as that by definition would be wishing to make their child's life harder. It's like when another poster on a different thread posted that it was ableist to say to new parents that they hope they have a healthy baby. Who desperately wants an unhealthy one? That would be such a strange, selfish desire.

The overwhelming odds are that you will love the child you get and never want to swap them. That doesn't mean that parents are actively asking for a disabled child.

my brother was ND and basically 1-1 care 24/7. While I wouldn’t say it completely ruined my relationship with my parents it was hugely detrimental to it. There was very little time for their other children. As an adult I am closer to them but I often feel we dont know eachother as well as we should. What I saw them going through encouraged me to stick to the one child! I could not do it.

This thread is quite amazing. Normally any woman considering a blended family or having more kids in a new relationship is told that she is putting cock before her kids, will mess them up, is selfish, terrible, a bad mum and everything else. Ah but when she says she’s NOT going to do this because there’s a real risk the child will be disabled then she’s a selfish ableist bitch who hates all autistic people and her DP (who sounds like he wouldn’t make a great dad) is lovely and deserves better. Really really weird.

And I would definitely listen to the siblings of severely autistic children because normally they don’t describe it as such an enriching joy as the parents might. A school mum’s 7 year old has a phone that he can use if he needs to lock himself in his bedroom when his violent non-verbal older brother starts smashing the house up yet again. The mum often has black eyes. I don’t think he will think fondly of his childhood when he’s older.

And? Is she wrong? Do people actually ask for a disabled child?

What you’re implying she is saying and what she actually wrote are two completely different things?

Her saying ‘inflict isn’t wrong either? Inflict also means unwanted as well. OP going off the experience of the needs of her ex and the possibility of a child with him doesn’t make her ableist.

You can continue holding on to the word ‘inflict’ as much as you desire to make out that OP is ableist but it still doesn’t change the context she is speaking from based on her own experience with her now ex.

I highly doubt if OP’s daughter became disabled she would drop her off somewhere and run for the hills. She would do what any decent parent would do and do her absolute best. OP is a decent parent to consider her daughter’s well-being over having another child that could potentially be as high needs as her ex was. That doesn’t make her or her wording ableist.

Totally agree.
Struggling to see other people's perspectives is a key trait of autism.
It just is. It is recognised as such. I did not pull this concept out of thin air.

So don't be surprised at @Lacksie 's doggedness here.

It's nothing to do with intelligence or IQ. Or saying autistic people are useless. Far from it, many great discoveries have been made by those with autism.

My autistic ex was much more intelligent than me and brilliant at things he was interested in, and while I'm certain that he understood what I meant that one time I told him I had flu, in that he grasped it on an intellectual level, not f*ing once did it occur to him that I might need a bit of TLC.