AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

They can also cause much hassle to their siblings life if the parents are constantly having to do everything for the disabled child and the whole family has to work round their needs. Tbh it's also much more likely that a family with a disabled child ends up with the father ( usually) fucking off.

I assume all that is good for the elder child

Very, very true.

The lack of comprehension by (thankfully) a few here amazes me. It shouldn't but it does.

Yes everybody grasps that once a child actually exists if it is disabled unconditional love usually occurs (hopefully) for the child by its parents.

Well I do anyway. Perhaps others do too.

Nevertheless nobody would choose their child to have a condition that may significantly disadvantage them in a known way.

Yet the OP is getting flak for this and the proverbial 'cherry on the cake' of it all is that this child does not even exist outside of people's imaginations!

I doubt I'd have had children if I'd have been diagnosed pre-pregnancy. Life with autism is hard and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. And I'm low needs, considered highly successfully at life in general.

It’s really disgraceful (and rather lends weight to my central concerns about pp's on this thread) that you keep trying to undermine my arguments by attributing them to disability. For the record, I’m neurodivergent but not autistic, and I’ve never had any difficulty with theory of mind. so I guess that blows your ableist little theory out the water.

I thought that you were leaving this thread?

You can continue shouting ableist if you like, nobody's buying it.

I'm not a heartless person. Far from it.
I've witnessed people devote much
their life to looking after a disabled child.
Thankfully they had a good marriage, money and support else it would have gone terribly wrong for them.

They loved their child unconditionally because it was their child.

Got it. 100%.

If, however, you were to ask them if they'd have chosen their child to be like this they'd have said no.

Of course they wouldn't have chosen disability for their child.

I make no apology for saying this, either. So carry on shouting ableist into the void. Nobody here is buying it.

She actually said she wouldn't want to inflict a disabled child on her daughter's life. Which is quite different. And the entire paragraph, read in context, made it very clear that OP's concerns that a disabled child would have a detrimental impact on her daughter's life in the context of lifestyle, needs, priorities etc.

Whic is all perfectly reasonable.

But then, I had an amusing argument with my ND DS last night. He told me (didn't ask) that him and a friend would be home around 11:30. I said I wasn't quite sure about that and then as he started getting annoyed i said, actually, as long as you're coming back from [the place they are going] and you are together, that's fine. And then he kept banging on about how I didn't trust him and I thought he was goign to die and that he is doing his GCSEs and he's old enough to be out and about. And I just laughed at him because every time he stopped I'd say, "I know, that's why I said you could do it." But that was beyond him in the moment to understand

The joys.

I wouldn't choose for my child to be anything other than exactly who she is. If she weren't autistic, she wouldn't be who she is. Of course there are many ways I would like to make her life easier, but would I change her? No.

Your "of course" isn't quite as obvious as you assume it is.

One poster in the thread said she actively wanted a disabled child and another said she feels sorry for people who haven't had the chance of raising a disabled child. I found both posts deeply disturbing.

why Do you find it disturbing ? Because it challenges your narrow and negative view of disability? I do feel that parents who won't have the experience of raising a child like mine are missing out in lots of ways. She's so incredibly unique and has taught me so much about people, the world, myself, the brain and taught me about the different ways you can love a person . She's brought so much meaning and enrichment to my life.
Of course there are other experiences parents will have that I will miss out on- that's true always.

YTou are falilng into a very easy trap that many of us do at some point. This idea that if you wish that you had made a decision, you are also wishing away the chid you actually have. So when life was really really hard for me when DS was small, it was incomprehensible to me to wish that I did not have him/children becuase no matter how hard life was, he was (and is) so amazing.

But I remember having a conversation with a friend who was very uncertain about whether or not to have children. And he said that no matter what I say to him, he understand that I will never ever choose a different life to the one I have becuase that's the life that brought DS BUT he said that's what makes it so hard becuase he sees parents struggling but the moment they HAVE that child, they can't make any other decision because the child is everything. But what if the chidl never existed.

And its true. No matter how hard my life has been, I wouldnm't change anything because a world without DS in it is impossible to contemplate. BUT, objectively, I can 100% see that my life would have been easier (and man, I'd have been wealthier! ) if I hadn't had children. And it's why it's never been hard to say no to any more children after 2 because I know how hard it is and I know hpw much I love them and so I didn't want any more of these little people.

BUT, objectively, I can 100% see that my life would have been easier (and man, I'd have been wealthier! ) if I hadn't had children

100% true! This is true of all children. But would I change it/ them? No.

Well they are, 2 of your posts have been deleted as have others. The ableism is there.

My autistic child is lovely. There's another girl in his school who is autistic and completely adorable and good natured. I'm not saying that everything is perfect all the time, but people come to these boards when they are struggling and have a problem to fix, so they don't offer a full picture of autistic life, you are hearing the downsides.

I understand your concerns but it's something to keep mind. I wouldn't tolerate meltdowns over forks with my young child, let alone an adult.

EXACTLY. And that is why if that child doesn't actually exist , it is perfectly possible to make that decision without being ableist. OP's life would be harder if she had a disabled child. That is a simple fact. And she can choose to reduce that risk, and the impact on herself and her existing child.

this is tiring

it is possible to make that decision without being ableist

yes. I've repeatedly said I don't object to the decision. What I object to is what has been said on this thread.

OP's life would be harder if she had a disabled child

this is not a fact, it's an ableist generalisation.

yes OP can choose as she wishes, and without being ableist, but she's chosen to say some really awful things on this thread that prompt harmful generalisations about disabled children, egged on by a similar chorus.

Thank you

This is deeply unusual.
Most parents would, if they could, wave a magic wand to make their children's lives easier.

I think that, like most of your posts here, this is about how you feel with very little consideration for others.

If you think what you've said puts you in a good light, in my opinion, it does not. Not at all.

What I find weird is there are no thoughts of how the child feels. They don't stay little and adorable. They have to navigate adulthood, sometimes without their parents being around. Seeing your adult child struggle because of their disabilities is another level and it's incredibly selfish to wish it on them.

And we're back. No. OP didn't say anything ableist notwithstanding the claims she did. She said that a disabled child would negatively impact her child's life, which, objectively, it's pretty clear that statistically, a family with a disabled chld have a harder life. It's not entirely definitive - and of course there are people who have hard lives for other reasons or the odd family with a disabled child whose life isn't hard at all - but overall, it's a fairly binary thing - a disabled child brings singificant additional challenges and needs which, in most cases, means life is a bit harder.
That Doesn't mean it's not worth doing or that the person isn't up for it or that life won't be happy and fulfilling, but there are more factors to take into account. There just is.

Exactly. Seeing my kids struggle is painful. Knowing this struggle will continue in to adulthood, when I can't hug them and help them kills me. I don't want them to have my life or feel about their life as I feel about mine. I thought I was broken, that bring a better parent than mine were would stop it now I know it won't.

My son doesnt hsve the capacity to know hes disabled
But yes your right hes 16 now in the throes of puberty
And whilst i think hes still very cute his behaviour definitley isnt adorable anymore .

I agree entirely.

It's like when you see all the literature around Down Syndrome where it's almost always dominated by cute looking, cheerful children. Where are the diabetic, middle aged men with down syndrome who are suffering with early onset dementia? Before anyone accuses me of ableism, there is a 50% risk of someone with DS having dementia by their 60s and there are four times more likely to be diabetic than the general population. People don't seem to find any of this so cute and I can tell you that the elderly parents of these disabled people don't feel like they are having a superior experience of parenthood.

Also this.

She's not even my child but watching my friend's dd at my DD's birthday party last year was heartbreaking. She had been looking forward to it so much. But once it was happening, she was really struggling. There was a lot going on that she was finding a bit overwhelming and some of the other kids were sort of rushing around all over the place when she wanted to get on with the activity, and it made her so so unhappy. And her mum was being amazing and we managed to get things back on track but it was hard.

She wasn't even my child but it broke my heart to see how disappointed she was and how upset she was for reasons that were really very minor. We did do ALL the things she had been looking forward to. But because it didn't play out exactly as she'd expected, that was really hard fo rher to cope with.

My life would absolutely be harder if I had a disabled child. It would be harder if I had a NT child joyous? Of course. Harder? Absolutely. There is nothing easy about parenting a child and even more so a disabled child. What a bizarre thing to say.

And before you pipe up saying you find parenting easy, you're no better or a parent than I am.

Your view of disability is ridiculously narrow and painfully ignorant. You can only see through your own lens and can't even see how it can be a negative thing either to the disabled person or their families.

It's utterly cruel and perverse to wish a disability on someone or be glad they're disabled. If my parents ever said they were glad I had my disability it would be crushing.