AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

Quite.

Those who can never live independently and end up in group facilities. We don't treat significantly disabled people well in this country and whilst I don't agree with it and strongly support change, it will take a long time and I wouldn't want to have a child knowing the state it is in currently.

Agreed. To the point I think she'd put her wants and needs over her child. She would virtue signal about having a ND or disabled child, rather than make their child's life easier by waving a magic want.

I will always remember when I was helping in a support group for children with learning disabilities. The theme of the group that day was wants and needs. The children were asked to state a need and a wish and a little girl with Down's syndrome said "I need food and I wish my friends would stop dying."

The "advocates" forget to mention that kind of thing.

Maybe I see it a bit differently, I think it's about risk management. It's not necessarily inevitable that having a profoundly autistic child will make your life worse but in terms of probability is much more likely when you look at other people's experiences. People have different levels of risk that they are willing to tolerate.

Of course. I'm not not willing to take that (much bigger) risk.

No it’s not about that. There is no need to be so unkind. You love your children warts and all, everybody does. ND children can’t be separated from their autism, it’s deeply entwined. To lose their autism would be to lose them, it can’t be separated. There is no magic wand.

I find it deeply disturbing you find Lackie’s post disturbing. Lackie sounds like a wonderful mum who is navigating mothering a disabled child incredibly well.

Wonderful mums aren't glad that their children are disabled.

As someone who has a severely autistic child, if you really aren't cut out for it, don't do it. My son is a minority within a minority with his level of need, but it is tough parenting an autistic child, even higher functioning chdren at times, because of the fight to get support and the right education more than anything else. There are great times with my child, but also some really shit ones that have made me hugely depressed. He's gorgeous and very sweet, but if he could be normal and we could all have a normal life then I would definitely choose it.

Wonderful mum’s celebrate and love the child they have.

I don't understand the point of this thread.

You asked if people think you are unreasonable and some people think you are. They are entitled to do so.

You have made up your mind anyway as you only agree with people who agree with you and are being fairy aggressive in responses to those you disagree.

So it does come across a bit as though you were just looking for a rant about disabled people and not wanting to 'inflict' them on your child.

I have read this entire thread. It's completely bizarre. Op, you have not said anything ableist.

I have a minor physical disability. My childhood memories linked to this disability are in two parts: 1. My parents making it clear that this disability didn't make me any lesser or any worse and 2. My parents doing everything they could to help me overcome this disability so that it impacted as little of my life as possible.

I can tell you 100% that growing up with this disabiliy has played a huge role in the person I am today, including many positive outcomes.

I can also tell you that if my parents, or I, had had the option to wave a magic wand and make the disability go away, none of us would have thought twice. It would have been a total no brainer. Abracadabra, go away disability.

My mother died many years ago and I have been an adult, living an independent life where this disability is pretty much invisible to most people, and has been for many years. Outside of my DH and my DC and a few very close friends who are the ones who might see the impact - usually as a result of pain I'm suffering - it isn't on anyone's radar, including my father who doesn't live locally. I was therefore extremely surprised when the first time I met his new partner and she asked me about it. I genuinely hadn't thought my dad would even mention it after all these years. But then I thought about it and realised that it was a HUGE part of my childhood and, as a result, my parents' experience of being parents. Of course it would come up when he was sharing details of his life with a new partner.

To suggest it didn't impact me, them and, I imagine, my siblings, would be crazy. Not least, I've realise as an adult, the ridiculous amount of money they spent over the years buying in the support I needed.

Exactly this with bells on!

I have 2 DC with an autistic DH. He's only been diagnosed as an adult because of DC1. DC1 is so like DH but both are higher functioning so less disruptive to family life. However DC2 and I do have to make allowances for their autistic preferences. DC2 is definitely a UN peacekeeper in the making!

It's hard and mine is higher functioning. Having seen the spectrum of need I'm not sure I would have had children with DH if I had known it was inheritable and he was on the more severe disruptive to family life end.

It's hard but I think you're wise to consider the impact on you as primary care giver and DD.

Same. People weigh up risk factors all the time, it is nothing new especially when it comes to having children and who with.

But the OP hasnt got a disabled child to " love and celebrate" Its hypothetical

This is deeply unusual.

It really isn't unusual. You think it is because you have only be exposed to a very narrow and negative view of disability.

I would love to make my child's life easier by changing many things. The appalling attitudes about disability expressed so unabashedly on this thread would be first in line for waving that magic wand.

But would I change who my child is? Absolutely bloody not. There's absolutely nothing wrong with who she is.

I was referring to the poster being berated about celebrating the child she has.

Which poster was that???

To the point I feel sorry for your children

I have reported your post.

I'm sorry that you can't comprehend that someone may love, cherish and value their disabled child for exactly who they are, and wouldn't wish them any different.

I'm sorry you can't comprehend how a disabled child can bring so much joy, meaning and enrichment to a family.

This says everything about your attitudes towards disability, and only underlies every single point I have made on this thread.

Looking forward to the end of this thread.

You’ve not covered yourself in glory to be fair and haven’t been particularly nice either.

I can't vote on this as I've arrived too late. My dad is autistic and my mum is diagnosed with schizo affective disorder. I thought I was neuro typical until I realised I wasn't. I have four amazing, beautiful children only one is diagnosed autisic, but they all have some challenges. My mum bless her has been sectioned eight times from my memory but she always recovered and contributed to my life and my childrens. I really hope we never live in a world where perfection is the only goal in life. There is so much more.

I'm glad one of your posts has finally been deleted. I hope you will take that on board.