AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

Ignore them some people are very blinkered when it comes to autism and can only see things from their own perspective
The fact is its a huge spectrum and it can be very disabling for many with it
That doesnt mean those people are not worthy of love and affection or their lives dont matter .

I totally agree re gender differences although I think you're being over simplistic. It's not just about appearance etc.

It's the fact that men and women are socialised differently. and as a result, whether ND or NT, expectations are different. We all see it in the way a man looking after his children alone for a weekend is treated as a god while it's just considered normal for a woman. Or the 5000 similar experiences. "I don't see mess" "tell me what to do". The fact that the mental load defaults to women etc.

I have a DS with all the markers for inattentive ADHD. He has been diagnosed, and takes medication and gets support. But I'm pretty certain it comes from his father, via his grandmother. I suspect that actually, MIL's ADHD is the worst out of all of them. But she is a woman. And so she has had a very difficult life in many ways but was forced to learn certain strategies (mostlt created by herself) to cope.

DH has also learnt strategies to cope BUT, often those were only done when he realised he absolutely 100% had to. And he still often doesn't have those strategies in place. Because everyone (except me) just accepts his somewhat ditzy behaviour and says things like, "aah, that's classic DH'sName". At work, it has absolutely led to problems. But in other aspects of his life, it has been accepted. In a way that I don't believe, for one second, was accepted for his mother or would be accepted for a woman.

Autism is highly genetic. There's every chance that he will pass it on, if you decide to have a child with him.

I've ended the relationship and wouldn't have risked having a profoundly autistic child with him.

She isn’t. Posters are not aloud to be abelist. The posts she was quite rightly calling out have now been deleted for being ableist.

They were abelist and have now been deleted for being abelist so maybe stop with the gaslighting.

Ableism and offensive posts isn’t nothing.

I didn’t see them but I’m believe you saw them. I am glad they were deleted.

No they are not. Autism is a spectrum, varies in how it presents and all most definitely do not struggle with understanding the perspectives of others. Newer research,shows that communication breakdowns go both ways. Non-autistic people often struggle just as much to understand the emotions and communication styles of autistic people as the reverse. Social friction happens because of a mismatch in neurology and life experience, not because one group is missing a core cognitive module.

None of my posts have been deleted, and I've been accused of being ableist. So hopefully that clears the rhetoric that I am ableist, and I've also apparently said autistic people are all useless, and I've also apparently said 'who the fuck would want an autistic child' when I haven't.

🙃

She seems to be calling out everyone.

She isn’t.

I never said you couldn't share your experiences.

Just adding to the voices saying don't feel you need to defend yourself. It's very clear that there are a couple of posters who are going to continue berating you and making false claims against anyone who doesn't think disability is magical and wonderful thing. They aren't convincing anybody except themselves.

No, the vast majority of posts that you have labelled as ableist have not been deleted. In fact very few posts have been.

I'm not gas lighting you. I have referenced scientific facts and diagnostic models to explain why autistic people are more likely to have justice sensitivity and how this may manifest on a thread like this.

The continuing (and apparently wilful) misuse of "gaslighting" is offensive IMO.

I never said any one "owe's me silence lest my feelings get hurt".

I called out ableism on this thread, and I will continue to do so, even if that hurts your feelings, my dear, or the feelings of others who want to say flagrantly ableist things without consequence.

I do think that all of us have a responsibility not to take a "boy who cried wolf" approach to terms like abelist.

Stop using autism to explain away opinions you disagree with. It is patronising and offensive to suggest that someone challenges ableism because they are confused, emotionally extreme or unable to tolerate uncertainty.

I call out ableism because it is wrong to promote attitudes that portray disabled people as inferior, as burdens, or as something “inflicted” on others that destroys families. Those generalisations do not reflect the diversity of disabled people’s lives, and spreading them without challenge causes harm.

Of course people can share negative personal experiences, but much of the discussion on this thread goes well beyond that. You can disagree with my assessment, but stop using disability as a pretext to discredit me.

No, you're inappropriately accusing others of ableism which is undermining and weaponising the whole concept of ableism in the first place. The fact you can't see that you're not some kind of anti prejudice hero but causing an enormous amount of harm to the advocacy and cause you want to represent is worrying. It's all so counterproductive.

There is nothing inapropriate about challenging harmful generalisations about disabled people online.

I don’t claim to be a hero or to represent anyone else. I’m expressing my own views, and I don’t need your permission to do so.

None of the ' OP is ableist' people- admittedly few in number- have yet answered my question on whether it is ableist to do screenings for Downs' Syndrome. And if not, why not?

Err, exhibit A:

"No, I cannot bear the thought of inflicting a disabled child on my daughter's life. I really can't. Who would want to bear that on someone? Realistically? Fucking nobody. NO ONE asks for a disabled child and a lot of people want to lessen the risk which is what I've done. I am sick to the back teeth of posters like you shaming me and others with the same opinion because it fucking offends you. GET OVER IT. Not everyone wants aspects of your life."

(NB the only thing you know about that poster's life is she has a disabled child).

I find it absolutely astonishing that you haven't noticed that the vast majority of posters on this thread disagree with you. Many are parents to disabled children, partners to disabled people or disabled themselves. Yet, you and a handful of posters at most are the only ones that constantly identify ableism in a thread when everyone else sees discussion and experience sharing. Very few posts have been deleted on the grounds of ableism because almost all of the posts on this thread have been deemed to not be ableist. And yet still you scream into the void that they are, without even taking a second to contemplate that you might be wrong and the other 90% are right.

At some point behaviours stray from the what would normally be expected and become ND in nature. I was simply explaining ND traits that can be linked with extreme justice sensitivity and an inability to accept divergence from perceived rules. I used science and diagnostic criteria to explain the link between these and autism. It is relevant to this thread as many posters are getting frustrated with the dogmatic posting where OP and others are consistently misrepresented in the most inflammatory and offensive ways. Justice sensitivity would explain a lot of this. An inability to concede any ground and understand nuance because this would break the rigid moral rules.

It definitely does not follow that autistic parents have autistic children who by and large are similar to them in presentation. I personally know two autistic men, who themselves function fairly well in terms of employment, sociability, relationships, etc who have had children with profound autism, who are non- verbal and have high support needs.