So upset by elopement

[Jaffacakedigestive]

I found out today my DSis eloped at the weekend & married the father of her children. I'm so so upset. Not by her wedding, people can have whatever wedding they choose, but by the fact she never told anyone? My poor mum does so much for her & we all speak daily. I thought we were close but obviously not and I feel like all the trust has gone.
AIBU to be hurt?

Why does her eloping mean that you’re not close?
Speaking daily would suggest you’re very close.
It doesn’t change that.

There are so many reasons they might have done this - wanting no fuss or attention, not wanting people to spend money/time on them, difficult family situations which mean they have problems with who to invite or who to exclude. It doesn't mean they don't love you or trust you, they will have their reasons.

I think it’s okay to feel hurt or as though your trust has been betrayed - but there are two people in a relationship and the way your sister is with you may not be an accurate reflection of the dynamic in her relationship with her now husband. Or maybe it was completely his idea. Don’t make her feel bad for it. Nobody goes out of their way to hurt people like this (unless she actually did in which case bigger problems!). It was probably the least bad choice for her Eg didn’t want fuss and bother or to be persuaded out of it, maybe?

If she told people they would try getting invited, convince them to change plans etc.

I’ve said yes, but really you are perfectly entitled to your feelings. However, your sister made a choice, so it’s better not to cut off your nose to spite your face.

Wish her a very happy marriage and mean it. That’s all a wedding would have enabled anyway, you’re just doing it a bit after the fact.

You will get lots of posts telling you that it was her choice and that it was nothing to do with you, but YANBU.

Making the commitment of marriage is a big deal, and it is a big thing to hide from you closest family. If she can hide that, what else can she hide?

Not everyone wants a wedding. It's about her and her husband rather than you or your mum etc. Just be happy for them. I'm sure she loves you very much x

Is she a person who hates fuss and being the centre of attention? It is difficult, because if your mum had asked to go, then she might have felt she needed to ask the groom's parents, then siblings...I can understand someone doing this tbh, even if it is hurtful.

Because getting married is a major life event so a pretty big thing not to mention?

I can understand why you feel sad. Weddings are usually a time when you want those closest to you around you and to share in your celebration. It can really hurt not to be included.

However as you say, it's up to them what they do. It's not up to them how you feel though.

So many people get married even though they don’t agree with it purely cause it’s the easiest way to protect assets from IHT and confirm paternity rights. Maybe she did likewise and was just in it for the piece of paper.

She didn't really elope though did she?

Did they just get married privately and not make a big faff out of it?

It has no bearing on her relationship with you - unless you choose to make it so.

A wedding is for the 2 people concerned. There might be many good reasons why they want some privacy - I think it's rather sweet and romantic.
It is actually no reflection on the quality of their other relationships - being "close" does not mean that absolutely everything should be discussed and shared.

This is EXACTLY how I'm feeling. I thought she was the person I could trust the most but that trust has gone.

Oh dear. You are naturally feeling strong emotions towards this but I think once the surprise/shock wears off a little you can hopefully come to appreciate that your sister did things exactly how she wanted to, and that’s no reflection on you or your mother, it’s just entirely her choice.

If I were you, I’d rally myself quickly and turn things positive. Get a congratulations card, ask her if there’s any gift she might want, it could be something for them all as a family shared gift, suggest a get-together to celebrate but don’t try to turn that into anything resembling a wedding reception because you know that’s not what she wants. Just suggest a lovely family gathering where you can all celebrate being together.

So how did you find out?

Eh? Why do you imagine it means you’re not close? Why is the trust gone?

She didn’t deceive or betray anyone, just nipped down the registry office to marry the father of her DC, presumably as a bit of a legal formality. I’m sure she didn’t do it specifically as a fuck you to you and your mother.

This decision was nothing to do with you, or intended to cause you pain

It was personal choice and that’s all there is to it

I've known people get married because child was ill and the same surname would be easier. Or perhaps one is seriously ill and its a way of ensuring inheritance.

Or most likely. They wanted to commit to each other not have drunken uncles making crude jokes to bridesmaids.

'The trust has gone' - talk about melodramatic, main character energy.

Ffs she already had kids with the man anyway, it's hardly a shocking thing to have done. Even if she didn't already have the kids- she's your sister, try and be happy for her. This simply isn't about you.

I think it's great that they made the wedding all about them and their commitment to each other.
Why should any one be upset? Everyone should be wishing them happiness and not trying to spoil things for them by trying to make them feel guilty.
Edited to say sorry I didnt mean to quote you @Pedant61 and cant edit the quote out.

Either
She thinks you are someone who loves her and who just wants her to be happy, and would therefore be delighted she had got married to someone she loves, in the way she wanted, without bowing to societal pressure, knowing you can very, very, very easily celebrate her marriage on another occasion
Or
She thinks you are someone who has set ideas on what other people do on their wedding dates, or would make the day difficult for her in some way (and she doesnt feel like having that challenging conversation with you and potentially casting a shadow over the wedding)
Or
She just fancied it, and was focused on their relationship and just thought it would be fun to run off and do it entirely focused on each other and then celebrate with families another time

I imagine they just didn't want fuss, I don't actually think it is a slight on you or your mum, I understand she would have loved to see her Dd get married, I am assuming they have been together a while if they have a family already, i probably would suck it up and see if they want to go out for a family celebration so you can congratulate them,

Fair enough if a couple wants a tiny wedding with no guests, but what is the point of keeping it dead secret? It's as though they don't trust any of the people closest to them. I would be exasperated, but they've done it now, so best just move on.

For you, maybe, but perhaps not for her? It wasn’t for me. My relationship was, and is, very important. Legalising it after many years together had the same charge as signing a mortgage. We just did it with two witnesses on our lunchbreaks, because I certainly didn’t want anyone creating this level of melodrama.