So upset by elopement

[Jaffacakedigestive]

I found out today my DSis eloped at the weekend & married the father of her children. I'm so so upset. Not by her wedding, people can have whatever wedding they choose, but by the fact she never told anyone? My poor mum does so much for her & we all speak daily. I thought we were close but obviously not and I feel like all the trust has gone.
AIBU to be hurt?

can you reframe it @Jaffacakedigestive

You've always known that they didn't want a big wedding and that her DH had a difficult relationship with his family. So he didn't want to tell them. And they didn't tell your side of the family either to keep it fair and avoid further conflict if it ever got out that you knew and they didn't.

They clearly think that your side of the family is the most reasonable and the most accepting. And they have put themselves as a couple first on a day where they are the prime focus.

So while they may not have acted in the way you would have preferred, it's great that they did what was right for both of them and that they trust you enough to feel that your relationship will not be damaged by their decision. Of course you can feel hurt but I really hope you don't change your relationship with your sister.

Trying to do things that work for everyone, especially around weddings, is really really hard.

I don't know that getting married is such a big deal in this scenario. In the old days we'd view it as a major life event because it signified lifelong commitment. But in their case having children - and living together - has already demonstrated their mutual commitment to the rest of the world. The wedding really just ratifies everything, if you like. So maybe for them it's just a private event that they didn't want to turn into something bigger.

Unless there are other factors to consider, I don't think this is a slight. It's just that they see getting married in a slightly different way to you.

DH had a difficult relationship with his family. So he didn't want to tell them. And they didn't tell your side of the family either to keep it fair and avoid further conflict if it ever got out that you knew and they didn't.

This OP.

Trying to do things that work for everyone, especially around weddings, is really really hard.

And this. I'd just move on, I really would.

I think eloping is a great idea.

You're so lucky, I wish my sister had eloped!

This is exactly how we saw it. Just something we needed to get around to sorting out. The final impetus was a serious health issue that made us realise we were risking too much by delaying further.

And some of the more dramatic responses on this thread are why we have never made any kind of announcement.

If your mum is not bothered then that’s a good attitude to follow and it’s happened and that’s it.

My MIL got married a second time and she didn’t want her own adult children at the wedding. They eloped very quietly and it was second marriage for her and he hadn’t been married but he had had children with a previous partner.

I honestly didn’t mind nor did my DH, that we were not involved. It’s their business and nothing to do with us. Wished them well and that’s it. Moving on!

They had the wedding they wanted not the wedding everyone else wanted.

My brother and his partner did exactly this, told us they’d had a civil partnership ceremony earlier that day, taking a couple of neighbours along as witnesses. They have been together over 30 years so not exactly youngsters any longer.
I was quite hurt but it was obviously what they wanted. No fuss but they did have photos taken. I said we would have loved to have been there and to have taken them out for a pub lunch afterwards, but ok.
It’s just my brother and me, my dh and ds on our side of the family but SIL has a brother and SIL herself plus three grownup nieces + spouses so if they had invited us they would have had to ask them too. Ah well.

Isn’t the definition of eloping not telling anyone you are getting married