So upset by elopement

[Jaffacakedigestive]

I found out today my DSis eloped at the weekend & married the father of her children. I'm so so upset. Not by her wedding, people can have whatever wedding they choose, but by the fact she never told anyone? My poor mum does so much for her & we all speak daily. I thought we were close but obviously not and I feel like all the trust has gone.
AIBU to be hurt?

Kindly I think you need to get over yourself.

Whatever reason your sister has, it’s not to do with you, not trusting you, not loving you. Or your mum, or her best friend, or her DH family. It’s not about that at all.

Its what they as a couple decided they wanted. To get married without the wedding shenanigans. To not spend all that money for all that fuss. They are the same people and the same couple that they were last week.

But she chose the day she wanted, not the one you wanted. It has nothing to do with trust, and a lot to do with having the day her and her partner wanted.
I eloped and it was because neither of us wanted to be the centre of lots of attention. It was about our relationship and not about my relationship with my parents or brothers/sisters/aunts etc . . .

Respect her decision, it was her day and done how they wanted. It’s one day in her life she gets to choose, and she did, so many people feel pressure to do or/and spend in a way they aren’t comfortable.

its one day that’s not about you or everyone else, it’s for her and her husband.

we did the same, it took away so much pressure and expectation, and we tlenjoyed every moment of it together. No family or friends politics , no massive expense, simply a wonderful personal day.

Well, she's allowed to do what she wants. But most mums I know would be hurt, and quite a few of the sisters would be too, so it's not unreasonable at all. You can't do much though, not even if she sends round a begging letter for gifts, or expects you to throw her a party (ok, maybe I'm online too much right now, but people seem to do that).

Well today is Monday and they only got married at the weekend so you’ve found out (how?) very quickly. It’s not like it happened months ago.

Perhaps it’s just not a big deal to them, perhaps they planned to hold a family event to celebrate, perhaps they just wanted a couple of days before letting anyone else know.

If they wanted the attention a wedding would bring them, then they wouldn’t have eloped. Many people just want a simple quiet ceremony to get the job done so to speak.

If her H is a good guy, just be happy for her.

To avoid precisely this level of WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE’RE NOT INVITED???WE INVITED YOU TO OURS! YOU’LL BREAK YOUR FATHER/MOTHER/ GRANNY’S HEART! I CANT BELIEVE YOU’RE HAVING YOUR SPECIAL DAY WITHOUT US!!!

Well, she’s probably feeling the same way, if you’ve kicked up this level of juvenile hysteria…

But she hasn't hidden it? Well unless someone else told you rather than her, in which case I can understand being a bit hurt. If she told you then she hasn't hidden anything and just wanted the ceremony to be between and about them with other people's interference. Not saying you would have interfered or insisted on going, but there's the grooms side too, there's bound to be at least 1 close relative on one side or both than would just be a PIA about it, and everyone else would be getting in the neck if they were left out of being told.

But she didn’t hide anything from you or betray your trust! She just didn’t have a wedding fgs.

I mean, seriously, what else are you concerned she might be ‘hiding’? Are you worried she might be a serial killer or the ringleader of a drug cartel or a spy for North Korea, on the basis that she got married privately and told you immediately afterwards?

I think this is the kind of thing where you're allowed to feel sad for one evening, by yourself. Have some wine and cake, look at baby photos of your baby sister, watch Bridget Jones, pretend it's a wedding and dance to Abba in your living room if you want... and then plaster on a smile, say congrats to your sister, and get over it 😊

They went away for the weekend. Facetimed me today. Its not the fact they wanted a private wedding, that's up to them, it's the secrecy about it. Neither me or my mum are "oh you have to do XYZ" people, in fact, my mum has always told us to just go abroad & do it! but I am so hurt she didn't tell us first.

They had a private wedding with no fuss and that was their choice! Just congratulate them and stop making it about you and how you feel. YABU.

The person I know who did this was in an abusive relationship and so I hope that is not the case here. He really pushed not having her family there. They were understandably upset and then picked up the pieces after as they had all been very close up to that point.

Some people just want to be legally married.
They don't want a wedding.
They don't want a celebration.
They just want the legal bit done.
If I could have got married by filling out some paperwork I would have.
This is your sister's life....not yours.

If you don’t care that they wanted a private wedding, you’re just upset she didn’t tell you BEFORE. And you think this shows she doesn’t trust you, or that you aren’t as close as you thought you were? Maybe you’re not. I was sympathetic initially but this sounds like you wanting to be a part of her marriage/relationship. They wanted this for themselves, clearly. Just them. They did indeed exclude you. Fine if you’re upset by that but you’re not. You’re upset she didn’t tell you the day before rather than the day after; that she kept a secret from you. She probably has tonnes of secrets! Don’t you? Do you really tell her and your mum EVERYTHING? If so that would make you the weird one, and I’d feel sorry for your husband and children!

He has difficulty relationships with his family so can understand why he wouldn't want them there. And how it would then be unfair for my sis to have family there. But we would have liked to know it was happening.

But if they tell you they'd have to tell her husband's parents and siblings... and they might cause a fuss, demand to be invited... which ruins the day for them.

I think you are being quite self centred with this reaction rather than being happy for your sister.

They already had children together so nipped off and got married without the cost and drama. Congratulate them and be happy for them!

Maybe because you are a drama llama

Of COURSE I would have loved to have been there, see her marry, for my mum to get to be mother of the bride etc but that really would be all about our feelings. But it's the fact she didn't even mention it that hurts the most.

So you’re saying that if they’d phoned you and said ‘We’re getting married next weekend in York/Paris/Godalming, just by ourselves ’ you and your mother would have been fine with that, congratulated them heartily and not done the Hurt But Not Saying Anything face, or the Silently Weeping At the Betrayal face, or the Passive Aggressive ‘I’m sure you’ll be happy, really’ face?

im sorry I don’t get this at all.

what trust is gone? Trust in what? She has a life separate from you, she always has done.

So why is that the issue? She wasn’t inviting you…?

And yet you’re literally saying that they should have told you!