So upset by elopement

[Jaffacakedigestive]

I found out today my DSis eloped at the weekend & married the father of her children. I'm so so upset. Not by her wedding, people can have whatever wedding they choose, but by the fact she never told anyone? My poor mum does so much for her & we all speak daily. I thought we were close but obviously not and I feel like all the trust has gone.
AIBU to be hurt?

If she'd told everyone else apart from the OP, then yes, you could argue they're not as close as she thought. But it was a secret from EVERYONE. It wasn't one of those special types of secret that isn't actually a secret because you tell people about it!

I don't understand why you think you should have been told before hand. They decided to get married between themselves, didn't want a fuss and then told you after. I don't get why you think it would have been more 'decent' to tell your mum (or you) first. What difference would it have made? your DSis doing this is not in any way a reflection on your relationship. I don't understand why you are hurt. Couples are allowed to have secrets. Maybe they thought it was romantic, maybe they just didn't want to talk about it until after with anyone. It doesn't matter. Congratulate them and move on. It may have just been done so they are married be this for legal or other reasons. Not everyone wants a wedding. How does them being married or not affect you?

pigmygoatsinjumpers
1969 Women meaning daughters were not allowed before the age of 21, unless their parents gave permission.
I remember listening to the radio messages announced by the BBC home service, saying that a daughter had gone missing. The parents were alerting the public, to keep an eye out as the couple were thought to be eloping and heading to Grenta Green where they, had to hold out for x days before she could get married under the age of 21.

Hi OP
I understand where you are coming from.

But I presume you sister and husband felt it was more fair to have nobody know than just a select few know. They probably didn’t want any fuss beforehand, and may have gotten pressure from other family members about changing their plans.

Maybe if you understood why she kept it an absolute secret you might not feel so bad.

I really dislike all the recent AIBU threads asking if they "AIBU to feel... X or Y"

I mean, you feel what you feel.
"AIBU to be upset that ...." is just a pointless question.

The question ought to be "Was my sister unreasonable to do this?", which is easier for others to have an opinion on.

What's odd here is you stating that you don't mind at all that she eloped, but that she didn't tell you in advance. Well, that is what eloping actually is - "running away to get married in secret".

Don't get me wrong, I'd be gutted if one of my dc didn't want to involve my and dh and their siblings in such an important life event, but it seems you aren't upset about that bit, which seems the much bigger issue to me. If someone were going off on their own to get married, I certainly wouldn't want to be told about it in advance. Feels like rubbing your face in it to tell you they are doing something really exciting and choosing to exclude you. If someone close to me wanted to get married that way, I think it best if they do keep it to themselves.

I think the pre 1969 ruling that parental consent to marry was required also applied to men under the age of 21.

The Family Law Reform Act 1969 reduced the of age of majority from 21 to 18.

This 100%
You sound very petulant and jealous.

True but parents were trying to stop their daughters. I don’t remember sons being chased but there could have been.

The fact you're posting this hints at why she eloped OP (FYI, an elopement means you don't tell anyone – that's the point).

You have been told, resoundingly, that you are being completely unreasonable, controlling and petulant. Time to pull your socks up and move on.

And, as someone in an earlier comment pointed out, your sister will definitely be aware of your unpleasantly self entitled behaviour, so you had better hide it, and fast.

You and your mother had better get cards and cheery messages sent, and fast. Or you will never have to worry about whether she tells you anything ever again.

I wish we’d just eloped. To be honest the wedding didn’t mean a huge amount to me, and we’d had saved us and our parents £25k. I enjoyed the day but it wasn’t really “me”; no reflection on the people there but we should just have gone away and done it just the two of us, on the cheap.

TBF, whilst the OPs various posts don’t come over well, I can see that if you’re close to a sibling and talking every day, it would be hurtful to find out that they’ve been planning this on the quiet all that time

It takes minimal ‘planning’, though. That’s the delight of eloping. I think ours was a total of two phone calls and showing up with the right documents at the booking appointment. My brother happened to phone me out of the blue as I was on my way to meet DH at the register office to get married and I sat down on a park bench for a chat and was almost late. I wasn’t consciously ‘concealing’ getting married from him, it just wasn’t to my mind a Crucial Life Event, just a bit of admin.

It.

Was.

A.

Secret.

Which bit of that is difficult?!

My brother eloped and we were all very happy for them! They’ve been together about 40 years so didn’t want a fuss and got married just them! Honest to god people are so entitled, they don’t owe anyone a “wedding day” marriage is between two people I think it’s lovely!

But the Op doesn’t think she’s owed a weddinh day @Mammyloveswine, she just feels hurt that her sister could keep a massive secret from her despite how close they are & speaking multiple times daily.

I am completely unconvinced by this. It's easy to say that after the fact.

If OP is making such a big fuss over not knowing, imagine the fuss she would have made had she known.

I suspect there's a reason she wasn't told.

I’m taking the Op at face value @tilypu as I would feel hurt had my brother done this (& I wouldn’t be bothered about the wedding) & we’re not as close as the Op & her sister seem to be.

@B9waiting As OP hasn't answered this question, perhaps you could? If you genuinely wouldn't be bothered about the wedding, why would it hurt you so much not to be told in advance? The outcome is the same either way - they're married; they had a quiet wedding without you. What changes either way?

I'm honestly not trying to be goady - it just doesn't make any sense.

It’s the feeling that you’re not as close as you thought you were. My brother & I don’t speak every day but I feel we have a good relationship & if he kept such a massive life decision a secret, I would feel hurt that our relationship wasn’t as close as I thought it was.

Same as if he announced out of the blue that he’d moved house - I’m not bothered that he’s moved, just surprised at the secret as that will have taken a lot of active planning etc so it’s a clear indication that we’re not particularly close for that to be going on in his life & I’m totally unaware.

Does that make sense? It’s the realisation that your relationship isn’t what you thought it was that’s hurtful, not the act itself.

Gently Yabu.

It wasn’t a secret elopement, in your own words she had always said she would like to just go away & get married as didn't want the fuss of a bog wedding

So you knew those were her plans. She had told you many times this was her plan.

She FaceTimed you right after to let you know personally that she had eloped per the plan she had told you about beforehand.

You are hung up on her not checking with you as to the exact date of elopement.

Saying you can’t trust her is being a drama llama. She told you she was going to elope and she personally told you right after they’d eloped. What more do you need? Nothing, I’d say, because it’s not about you it’s about the commitment she and her husband have made to each other.

Maybe she just wanted to get married without any family drama. You’re entitled to your feelings but I have an inkling she made the right choice.

My best friend eloped because she just wanted her and her future husband to get married in peace.

It is feck all to do with you. Not everyone wants a wedding. It sounds like you wanted a wedding for your DSis. She did not want one.

My now exDH and I eloped. We wanted to be married but didn’t want the hoo-ha or expense of a wedding. No way would we have told family beforehand of our plans as various people would have put pressure on us to “just have a small wedding and invite a few people, including us”. Then we’d have had to invite other people because it can’t be one sided and before we knew it we’d have ended up with a full scale wedding we didn’t want. If you’re upset about not being told in advance, i can very much believe you’d be in this camp of putting pressure on them to “just invite a few people.” If they’d told you they were getting married without anyone present you would have no doubt been upset about that. There is absolutely no reason to be hurt, this is about them not you. It was what they wanted. Be happy for them.

That pressure to just invite a few people is real, sometimes I think people just can’t wrap their heads around other people wanting to do things their own private way.