So upset by elopement

[Jaffacakedigestive]

I found out today my DSis eloped at the weekend & married the father of her children. I'm so so upset. Not by her wedding, people can have whatever wedding they choose, but by the fact she never told anyone? My poor mum does so much for her & we all speak daily. I thought we were close but obviously not and I feel like all the trust has gone.
AIBU to be hurt?

If she had told you that she and her partner wanted to get married, just the 2 of them, no fuss, no bother, just to make it official job done…..what would you have said to her? And answer honestly! Because if there is ANY chance you would have shown upset and not being there, of missing out, of suggesting they invite just a FEW close family members as witnesses, and then maybe have a meal after or some drinks or a party but then invite more people…..well then it’s no longer what they want. Which is just to be married. Can you honestly say you wouldn’t have said any of that or you would have managed to hide your disappointment? And that’s not a reflection on you, or how close you are, or how much she loves you. But her and her partners decision have been protected by keeping this to themselves and doing exactly what they wanted. Be happy for them.

And as far as ‘if she can hide this, what else can she hide’?! Oh come on! It hardly means thats she some secret serial killer or clubs baby seal to death on a weekend?!

But, OP, on a "need to know basis", you didn't need to know! They told you very quickly afterwards - I have known couples wait months before telling their families that they got married. This is not about you - just be happy for them.

But why are you hurt by it? The couple did something coupley - that's it. You're ok with them doing it privately, you're just upset she didn't tell you first. I don't understand why you're so bothered. It's a big enough thing to not slip her mind: she CHOSE to keep it from you. She probably keeps loads of things from you. And? Don't you keep things from her?

Your sister had some legal stuff to see to. She obviously didn't see that her marriage was of importance to anyone other than her and her now husband. Let it go.

They will say it all afterwards if they are going to say it at all. Many families and friends won't respond like that. I don't think OP would have. Being secret gives a message that their family can't accept that they want a small wedding.

This happened in my family once. Everyone was shocked, which I think is understandable as it goes against ‘tradition’ and you naturally want to be there for close family members special moments. However they got over it very quickly and now it’s part of family lore but not a big deal.

You feel how you feel so yanbu for that, it’s natural to feel something when finding out news like this. It might just be the initial shock. Once you’ve had time to process it you may see things differently.

YABU to feel entitled to a wedding to go to though, a wedding is about the two people getting married and no one else, how they choose to go about getting married is up to them. Getting married isn’t a big life event for everyone. For some, especially two people whose lives are already intertwined via living together for many years and having dc, it might just be something that needs to be done. They may not have the time, money or energy to organise a ‘proper’ wedding but still want to get married.

The reason for their decision will almost certainly be nothing to do with anyone else, or a reflection of yours or anyone else’s relationship with them. It will have been a completely personal decision that they decided was best for them.

It’s not worth having a big family drama over what is just one day out of many. They’re married now, they can’t undo it. You need to come to terms with that and be happy for them. Vent to other family members who may feel similarly if you need to get it out of your system but don’t say anything other than nice congratulatory things to your sister.

Would you have just said ok and not wanted invites etc if she had told you?

You have no idea how the OP would have responded. Her sister clearly decided it wasn’t worth the risk.

So they have told you then? Just not on your timeline. YABU. Hopefully you said congratulations and didn’t sulk on the call

OP says she's upset about the secrecy not the small wedding. I don't see any reason to disbelieve her.

Isn't eloping something people did in the 1930s?

We eloped, neither of us are spotlight loving people and we never would have married if we didn’t elope.

Maybe they are the same?

it wasn’t a slight on our family or friends, it was for us.

I’m an only child and my parents were ok with it, he’s got brothers who all had lavish weddings and his Mum wasn’t bothered - I think they knew it was just our thing.

Maybe consider they don’t want to be the centre of attention, just want to be married.

Pretty much, as she had always said she would like to just go away & get married as didn't want the fuss of a bog wedding. There was literally no need for the secrecy. This is the person who literally phones me twice a day, for at least 45 minutes each time, yet never once said she was going to get married? Our cousin did a v similar thing last year and she's literally spent a year going on about why didn't cousin just tell us about wedding, we would just have been happy for her & no need to keep it secret!!

It depends on your reasons though.

I’m getting married later this year and DH to be and I don’t intend to tell anyone even after we’ve done it.

We’re getting married because of the April 2027 changes in IHT for pensions so no need for others to be involved.

The whole point of eloping is not telling anyone about the wedding beforehand. They told you afterwards so what's your problem ? They had a nice weekend to themselves , got married , came home . What would you have done if you'd known ? Attend ? That's exactly why they didn't. Nor did they want anyone else's opinion or input into it . Wish them well and don't be silly.

The fact you are fussing about the secrecy indicates you would be equally fussy about no invite. They wanted to get it done quietly and without fuss. The bigger your inner circle is, the more risk of people
being upset, trying to track you down to “surprise” you, wanting to be the one to tell people etc. We got married in a quick and fuss-free fashion. One “friend” got wind of it and was unbearable trying to find out details, wanting to be a witness, teasing us by pretending to almost let it slip. We delayed our plan a year and pretty much abandoned the friendship. It’s a lack of respect.

So romantic! 😂

So she did pretty much tell you, just not the date.

That's so dramatic. She got married. She didn't kill someone.

Well no, she came to stay with me last year when she briefly left her now DH, so I wasn't seeing a wedding on the cards just now!

We’ve lived together for 20 years and have a young DS. It’s hardly a new romance!

We were perfectly happy as we were until Labour pretty much forced our hand. If we don’t get married our DS could potentially be left with an additional £1m IHT bill.

It is £62 well spent!

Not telling anyone is what makes it an elopement - otherwise it's just having a small wedding.

My sister eloped, and I can't say that I was bothered or hurt or offended, either at the time or at any point in the 45 years since. We're still close, and I still trust her, and honestly, you just need to give your head a wobble and be happy for your sister.

Did you ask her why she did not tell you?

You could just choose to he happy for her..centering her and not your feelings?

Maybe she thought you’d disapprove, or ask her if she was really sure she wanted to marry him.